Dear Dr. Wes and Miranda: Every time my boyfriend and I are making out he brings up sex. He asks if that bothers me, and I always say “no,” because it normally doesn’t. Until last night. He knows I don’t want to have sex before marriage, but he said jokingly, “Well maybe I’ll change your mind.” The more we talk about sex, like what it means to each of us and stuff, the more desensitized I get to the idea of doing it. So one night he asked if I honestly thought that we would never have sex before marriage. For some reason I said “no.” So he asked when, and I finally said “six to nine months.” He seemed kind of saddened, so I asked if it was a deal-breaker. He said it wasn’t, but after nine months he would want to have a serious conversation about why I wouldn’t want to. I am so confused right now. He treats me really well, makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the room. I feel like this shouldn’t be that hard for him, and it freaks me out that I’m even considering having sex with him.

Miranda: Your boyfriend is probably a great guy, and I have no doubt you’re being honest when you describe the way he treats you. But at the same time, he is a teenage boy. I’m not excusing his behavior, but be aware that every single hormone-raging boy is similar when it comes to sex. He can be a model student and sweet about everything, but he’ll always want to have sex when put into an intimate situation.

I’m not telling you to jump into bed with him just because he’s a normal boy. I assume you’re choosing to wait for a reason, and that is perfectly OK. Anyone who says it isn’t is wrong. It doesn’t matter what your reasoning is or the logic behind it — if you feel that you don’t want to have sex, then don’t. Period. If you do give into his invitations and you aren’t sure of your choice, you may well regret it.

I know you want to make him happy because you care about him. Instead, sit your guy down, all clothing on with plenty of space on the couch, and calmly explain how you feel. If he truly cares about you, then he will make the effort to restrain himself and his requests. Make sure you let him know how uncomfortable these comments are for you. He may not even realize how it makes you feel. He may have just got caught up in the moment and not understood how awkward this topic is for you.

Just remember, no means no. Make sure you put yourself first and don’t sacrifice what you want for a relationship.

Dr. Wes: Some guys may object, but Miranda is right on when she notes that all teenage boys want to have sex with the girls they are attracted to. It’s the most natural phenomenon. However, wanting something does not make one entitled to it, and that’s where our culture has shifted in the last few years as far as teen romance is concerned.

Miranda echoes that quaint old saying intended to give girls more ways to say “no”: “If he really cares about you, he’ll wait.” Unfortunately, that was never true, and it isn’t now.

The average teen boy doesn’t wait out of a deep and abiding sense of respect for his partner. He waits because his girl sets a boundary. He then weighs the costs and benefits of accepting that limit and decides if he wants to continue the relationship.

This has gotten a lot tougher in the last 10 years because, on the whole, girls are much more willing to hook up without benefit of a relationship than they were in the past. So a guy’s options are more open now if he just wants to have sex. This changes his cost-benefit analysis, and from your perspective, undermines the boundary you’ve set. Whether he’s a “nice” guy or a “bad” one, this still holds true, and it puts you in an unfair competition with his other potential partners. Regardless of how he approaches you, that’s the real source of the pressure you feel.

I strongly support your decision to be abstinent and encourage you to draw the line just as Miranda suggested — exactly where you think it should be. I hope your guy will weigh the benefits of being with you and decide it’s worth it, even if it costs him the level of sexual activity he desires. If he doesn’t, you’ll have to do your own analysis and consider the costs of keeping him around.

Take some time and think this through. You don’t have to flex to be who he wants you to be, and the same is true for him.