Dear Dr. Wes and Ben: I read (future Double Take columnist) Miranda Davis’ winning essay. As a retired sexuality educator (University of Michigan) plus high school teaching, I’ve learned that “just say no” is ineffectual. Kids are susceptible to the pleasure of sexual interaction and are very interested in learning ways of experiencing it without risk. Unfortunately, I’ve found that many safer sex practices (which I call “outercourse”) seem too risqué for many “moralistic” folks to discuss. However, if we could get beyond the unwarranted taboo of perfectly normal stimulating behaviors that fall short of intercourse, people would welcome such information.

Wes: I just saw an excellent production of “Spring Awakening” at the Lawrence Arts Center, performed mostly by teens and young adults. The post-show discussion included thoughts on improving the sexuality dialogue between adults and kids — a topic of great interest at Double Take. I agree that modern teens seem in a terrific rush to have intercourse, and making that jump too quickly is likely to reduce overall sexual satisfaction in the short and long term. The most rewarding aspects of physical and emotional intimacy develop between partners, rather than being hurled at each other on random hookups. So I’m with you on that.

But most 21st century teenagers have a pretty accurate and sophisticated knowledge of human sexuality, and they feel pretty comfortable considering and discussing it. They can access vast bodies of literature (some better than others), or as one member of the “Spring Awakening” cast put it, “We know the mechanics. We know the consequences.” Unfortunately, the level of forethought and ethical reasoning that accompanies that knowledge varies greatly and is largely a function of the ease with which parents discuss sexual topics and the extent to which the joys of sexuality are portrayed alongside the consequences. As you propose, taking a high-handed or shame-based approach usually fails.

Here’s my advice for parents wanting to improve those talks, and by extension the way teens engage sexually: Start early and keep talking through childhood and adolescence. Make your discussions fun and safe, as you would any interesting topic.

Use television and movies as conversation-starters. And most importantly, live your life as you wish your children to live theirs. If you don’t set the agenda on these discussions, someone else will — and you may not like what they have to say.

Ben: Oscar Wilde once proposed, “The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.” If you want to eat cookies before dinner, the easiest method of release is eating cookies. There’s no doubt that sexual desire is prevalent; the question is how do we deal with it?

I agree with C.S. Lewis, who said that sexual impulses are being put in “a position of preposterous privilege.” We have other desires. Say a father and son are attacked, and the father runs away without his son, appeasing the most innate desire present in nature, survival. We would call him a coward. We do not fault his desire but his response. Similarly, we don’t fault sexual desire, but we are quick to acquiesce to its whims, so long as the consequences aren’t too obvious.

Sex is more than release. It impacts relationships, serving as a turning point, for better or worse, in a couple’s sense of commitment. However, the more we assimilate sex with release, the more we dissociate sex from relationships. It becomes objectifying, self-serving and empty. Few advocate the pornography or prostitution industries; however, outercourse upholds the primary mindset that feeds them.

I would ultimately argue that sex can be cheapened, that it should not be, and that it is neither impossible nor unreasonable to pursue that second point.