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Archive for Monday, March 14, 2011

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River City Jules: Let’s open a bar for grown-ups

March 14, 2011

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I have a business plan I’d like to run past you. Let me know if you would like to pony up the capital.

We need a bar in Lawrence for people who are old enough to remember “The Love Boat” but young enough to know how to YouTube it.

This bar will not charge a cover. If it does, it will use the money raised at the door to pay for things like clean bathrooms and large-print drink menus, though you will be able to opt out of paying the cover by promising to offer up your seat to anyone older than you who looks like she would like to sit down.

But that won’t happen too often in my bar, because my bar will have ample seating.

And not some low-to-the-ground, foam-stuffed vinyl piece that sticks to the backs of your thighs when they sweat. My bar will have firm, comfortable seating, and the barstools will all have backs. They will also rotate only 120 degrees each way and be firmly bolted into the floor to reduce the risk of injury.

The floor, by the way, will never be sticky, it will be clean and grit-free. The kind of place a girl could leave her purse. But no girl will ever leave her purse on the floor, for instead of uptight bouncers at the door who greet each female patron like a nuisance and a bother in the otherwise important world of counting heads and confiscating fake IDs, my bar will have men stationed around the floor offering to hold purses and coats. They will also pull women aside to let them know when their lipstick needs touching up, when their mascara has flaked and when they have spinach dip in their teeth.

Because my bar won’t just serve drinks, it will serve people.

Real people, with real needs. Like good lighting. I have reached an age where the line between lighting that diminishes the appearance of wrinkles and dark circles and that which allows a gal my age to read is a fine one. But my bar will walk that line with unwavering balance.

Speaking of balance, platform stilettos are prohibited. So are rump-hugging minidresses and hair glitter. My bouncers will be prepared to wrap a blanket around anyone dressed like Snooki and drag her to the nearest Chico’s for an intervention.

And, perhaps most important, the music won’t be too loud, because we know if you really wanted to stand around a crowded bar without a dance floor and not be able to hear the person next to you, you would come wearing an iPod. So no loud music. And nothing recorded after Kurt Cobain. Elvis through Nirvana, that’s it.

Live (acoustic) music every Friday, trivia every Sunday, no strobe lights or lasers ever, and no disco balls before 9 or after 11.

Finally, my husband has already come up with a name for this bar. So until another investor comes along, “High Maintenance” will remain under its current management.

— Julie Dunlap can be reached at go@ljworld.com.

Comments

whatupdown 3 years, 1 month ago

Do grown ups hang out at bars too?

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Steven Gaudreau 3 years, 1 month ago

I have a better name. "Out of Business". How about your investor paying me half the money it will cost to open and then I kick them in their privates. This would save them half the money and be less painful.

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chicago95 3 years, 1 month ago

Yes! Maybe at Orchard Corners (Bob Billings Pkwy and Kasold Drive.) No TVs. Jazz (or even Fado!) -- not country, not oldies. Tapas -- not wings. Wine -- not beer. Grown up conversation. Count me in.

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oneeye_wilbur 3 years, 1 month ago

Most adults of civility won't waste their time in a bar, what they would like is a classy place to dine at and Lawrence has none of those with ambiance. Sitting on a sidewalk downtown eating tofu and ostrich meat is hardly class.

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dizzy_from_your_spin 3 years, 1 month ago

Funny.

I want all of the benefits of living in a college town but demand that I be shielded from the pitfalls.

Most of the adults grew up and moved elsewhere.

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Starlight 3 years, 1 month ago

Why do we even know what a "Snooki" is?

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beeshlii 3 years, 1 month ago

I THINK HE IS TRYING TO BUILD A STRIP JOINT.

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somedude20 3 years, 1 month ago

"Bring on the dancing girls and put the champaign on ice"

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tonytman 3 years, 1 month ago

There is a bar like that or as close as you can get Shenago lounge on wakarusa. The avage age is 35+ they still have a juke box that takes $1 bills with cds in it. Not the internet so you get 4 songs for a doller. The bathrooms are clean. there are enough TVs to watch the game but not one every 3 feet.The after noon crowed knows each other and women can leave their purse on the bar people look out for each other and you always get hello and welcome. This is a neighborhood bar were every one can be one of the neighbors . Stop by set down and join in you will see just how comfertable it is.

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Agnostick 3 years, 1 month ago

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Agnostick 3 years, 1 month ago

This comment was removed by the site staff for violation of the usage agreement.

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BruceWayne 3 years, 1 month ago

and as far as these guys standing around holding your purse and coat...just don't touch them, it's illegal.

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g_rock 3 years, 1 month ago

I'm craving spinach dip now. Thanks.

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Richard Payton 3 years, 1 month ago

Some may want to eat that spinach between your teeth. Those types turn into superman and have an enchanted evening with Lois Lane. Others offer a toothbrush and say brush your teeth and don't forget to floss. That type is Roger Rabbit who is quick to point out your flaws. That type often goes home alone.

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Kirk Larson 3 years, 1 month ago

By "ample" seating I assume you mean "wide".

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RiverCityJules 3 years, 1 month ago

Big Prune: Hoping the dress code will keep out the students, but there is definitely room to raise the drink prices, I haven't made any final plans yet.

Strateup: If you fund it, I will build

T_W: Thank you for laughing with me! My 96-year-old grandmother never complained about a birthday, saying it always beats the alternative. Her humor has filled her 96 years with the kind of joy we all should have in our lives.

Have a great week, Go 'Hawks!!

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throwdown_wallet 3 years, 1 month ago

An important part of getting older is being able to see the humor in a variety of situations. RCJules seems to be just fine in that regard!

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strateup 3 years, 1 month ago

If you build it, they will come. Count me in.

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BigPrune 3 years, 1 month ago

If your bar requires bouncers, then you need to up the drink prices to keep out the KU students (unless they are female KU students, of course, looking for a middle aged man that looks much younger than his years who also drives a sports car and spends money on pretty things for others)

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BruceWayne 3 years, 1 month ago

Maybe you could call it "Vanity"? While you seem to have major problems with getting older, some of us actually embrace it.

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