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Archive for Monday, June 13, 2011

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River City Jules: Men, privates don’t belong in public

June 13, 2011

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On behalf of all email- and text-receiving women, I have a message regarding the growing phenomenon of men who feel compelled to send photos, including but not limited to distinguished members of Congress, of their ever-increasingly distinguishable members: We do not want to see them.

Some anthropologists (or maybe just I, who once took an anthropology class) believe the trend dates back to prehistoric times when cavemen used to leave crude depictions of themselves wielding large sticks on cave walls. But, much like their descendants today, cavewomen merely rolled their eyes and continued selecting their mates based on who was the best dancer.

Fast-forward to art of the Renaissance Period. More refined than the cavemen, artists of this era used a variety of media to showcase the beauty of man. One particular man, I believe his name was David, asked a buddy of his to create a 17-foot sculpture of himself in order to catch the eye of a Florentine princess. While the piece was hard to miss, the princess could not get over David’s blatant disregard for adequate protection during slingshot battle.

Centuries passed before George Eastman leveled the playing field for artists and non-artists alike with the invention of his Kodak camera. One hundred years of men privately photographing their privates later, Drake Publications took the trend public, launching Playgirl with hopes of capitalizing on the flip side of Hugh Hefner’s famously bunny-clad coin, only to find women actually did prefer the articles.

And now our country’s own public servants cannot take office without sending photos of the very same parts Adam and Eve of Eden-gate tried so desperately to hide from their Creator, or at least the tabloids.

Shame-laden press conferences alone cannot end this millennia-long belief that women derive pleasure from photo verification of one’s gender, so let me give it a try.

If you want to impress a woman, do not send close-ups of your Elvis region. Unless it can fold and sort laundry, it has no unique talent to offer beyond that which we know and for which we are grateful — multiple times over. But we do not care how big it is, we do not care what it looks like in a Speedo. We don’t want to know what you have named it or how eager it is for company. Not in a box, not with a fox, not even if you’re hung like an ox.

Instead, pick up that camera, pan out a bit and send us a shot of you vacuuming the living room or making dinner or shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Send us a video of you singing a love song or reciting poetry. And if you must use the zoom lens, let it be on the single tear you shed when you think about the beauty of a sunset, the smell of a newborn baby or the joy of extended family gatherings with your in-laws.

But for the love of humanity, keep the toys in the toybox and away from Twitter. We’ll let you know when it’s playtime.

— Julie Dunlap can be reached at go@ljworld.com.

Comments

classclown 2 years, 10 months ago

I find it humorous that a blog about mens privates was written by someone named Jules. Too bad the last name isn't Johnson or Wang.

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notaubermime 2 years, 10 months ago

I've gotta agree that Weiner clearly did not think through his actions. He should have focused on what women want: rock stars. Don't send a picture of your member, send a picture of you singing into a microphone on a stage with pyrotechnics in the background... while vacuuming... in the nude. A picture like that isn't labelled "lewd" or called "scandalous", it is called "art" and deservedly so. Just a crotch shot? Perverted. Naked, vacuuming rock star? Thing of beauty.

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TopJayhawk 2 years, 10 months ago

Now that there is funny stuff. Both the article and the insecurity of certain male members and their members........funny funny. Jules, you are hot darlin'

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lawrencechick 2 years, 10 months ago

Getting back to the original point of the editorial - yes it disgusting and assinine that a congressman would 1) be such a pervert and 2) be stupid enough to publicize his perversion. These are the people that are making critical decisions for our country? Deciding what health care I should have? Like him or not, Leonard Pitts had an awesome column yesterday - pointing out the fact that he couldn't remember the last time a female politician was involved in a scandal like this. Can we please get someone in Washington who knows why they are there.

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Multidisciplinary 2 years, 10 months ago

(applauding you two..and you know who you are. ROFL) PS(note to self) Get the will done, and be certain ___'s the only one who get's access to my phone and computers.

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LadyJ 2 years, 10 months ago

Now this is really getting funny. New user with female (yeah right) name.

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NinaR 2 years, 10 months ago

Yes, there may be a number of men who are fascinated by a certain part of their anatomy, however, there's an equal number of women who are obsessed with their bodies and revealing their latest plastic enhancement. I recall you writing an article on, "the perfect swimsuit"?! Seriously, you're a 40 year old woman, most swimsuit discussions are left behind in grade school!

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Multidisciplinary 2 years, 10 months ago

Prosp...how many brownies is that wide angel shot going for? 785-867-5309

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RETICENT_IRREVERENT 2 years, 10 months ago

"We’ll let you know when it’s playtime" - RiverCityJules

What a sexist biased rant. I hope this is pure humor and your husband is not as emasculated as your writing suggests. A relationship should be built on trust and mutual respect, with sex as an intimate bond between two equal partners, not a sexual power-play as your writing suggests. You should never use sex as a tool. Sexual manipulation is dishonest, misleading and controlling.
I pity your husband.

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throwdown_wallet 2 years, 10 months ago

Hilarious article! And the comments are almost as much fun to read. It sounds like someone has a bee in his balaclava...

I certainly can't think of any of my congresspeople I would want sending me pictures of his or her parts that should be covered by a swimsuit. I know you didn't name names, RCJ, but a certain unfortunately-named representative from New York has definitely made this topic one that everyone is talking about. Funny AND topical--Jules, you rock!

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BruceWayne 2 years, 10 months ago

"On behalf of all email- and text-receiving women, I have a message regarding the growing phenomenon of men who feel compelled to send photos, including but not limited to distinguished members of Congress, of their ever-increasingly distinguishable members: We do not want to see them." So you speak for "all" women now? Get over yourself.

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RiverCityJules 2 years, 10 months ago

Thank you all for reading, I hope it brought a little levity to your day. We are all far more likable when we smile.

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BigPrune 2 years, 10 months ago

What if a dude sends a racy photo to his girlfriend, then his girlfriend ends up sending the photo to a couple of her girlfriends, then her girlfriends separately hit on the dude at a party?

It kind of throws everything out the window doesn't it?

:)

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Gandalf 2 years, 10 months ago

He Jules, who does most women find more sexy...Captain Jack or Mr. Rogers?

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Gandalf 2 years, 10 months ago

I don't think wimmen know what wimmen want!

I do know that a woman's aversion to pornography can be calculated by a mathmatical formula tho...age X weight /10 = aversion factor.

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RoeDapple 2 years, 10 months ago

I have no idea what wimmen want. I still want that sammich though.

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sissezz 2 years, 10 months ago

If im in a relationship and the guy sent me a racey pic..... shoot it may brighten up my day. lol!

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sissezz 2 years, 10 months ago

ok how about this ...send me a pic of a guy doing house work in the NUDE! that'll work... lol best of both worlds! And for the record there isnt anything wrong with naughty pics as long as everyone is consenting and adult.

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prospector 2 years, 10 months ago

Does it change things if you need a wide angle lens to get the shot?

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verity 2 years, 10 months ago

Hmm, I think the comments here verify the truth of the article.

Of course it's full of stereotypes and hyperbole---isn't that what comedy is about?

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BigPrune 2 years, 10 months ago

Kudos for not mentioning Democrat Rep. Weiner (NY) in the article.....

btw. - don't most modern guys do all the housework, fix dinner, change diapers, do the laundry already? you know, the traditional wifey role, plus bring home the bacon? What are women good for these days?

....now, back to my goddesses for some "winning."

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Mamba 2 years, 10 months ago

So true Julie, so true. Obviously some people are into the whole "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" thing. That is fine between two consenting adults. But I don't want to see yours. So please for the love of God if you are a famous person who has a wife with pending children, just use a little common sense! Oh, and I'll keep you on my list of people I want to be marooned with. Oh, and Bon Jovi.

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ratfamily 2 years, 10 months ago

I took a huge dump when I read this. Huge.

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rockchalker52 2 years, 10 months ago

Loved it. Score one for your side. No scoring for our side - via Twitter, anyway.

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LadyJ 2 years, 10 months ago

Don't you love it when men say they "know" what women want, when the truth is that it is what they "want" women to want. Somedude, some men like to look at child porn, does that mean all men like child porn?

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somedude20 2 years, 10 months ago

If women did not like the look of male genitalia then how can they explain all of the porn that is geared to them. I am sure that the homosexual market is not the main source of income for male skin flicks/mags and of course there is Chippendales. Women, we know you can be sneaky and I think this is just disinformation (this reminds me of the that kind of propaganda that Dick Cheney would put out) because we know that you enjoy looking at the (Anthony) Weiner!

Before you say that male genitalia looks weird, look at your own then watch either Alien or Aliens and watch the alien pods open up,then look at yourself again......

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RoeDapple 2 years, 10 months ago

Just send me a picture of you makin' me a sammich. bring beer too.

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Liberty275 2 years, 10 months ago

We all know women love men with armadillos in their pants. Also, the volume on the best high-end stereo equipment goes to 11.

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snoozey 2 years, 10 months ago

Scratch Julie off the list of fun people I'd care to be marooned with.

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Liberty_One 2 years, 10 months ago

Wow, an article full of stereotypes and very little truth. Sorry to burst ya'lls bubble, but it works. Maybe it's more about the confidence of the act than actually seeing anything, but it works. So don't tell me you'd rather a guy who vacuums or reads poetry over the bad boy who does naughty things because it's not true.

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RoeDapple 2 years, 10 months ago

No one, I repeat NO ONE, Has seen or will ever see my junk on the internet! That being said, I have been sent enough pictures of hooters and butts to last a couple of lifetimes, just in the last two or three years. Come on ladies! You know who you are! I'm 63 years old, overweight, high blood pressure, diabetic and have ingrown toenails! Waddatryintodo, kill me? Now knock it off! (At least by the time I turn 65) I gots more than I can keep up with at home!

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BruceWayne 2 years, 10 months ago

shocked LJW would publish this trash. With Oprah gone the author is at a loss for topics.

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Kookamooka 2 years, 10 months ago

So true. And funny! Why don't guys get this? Of course, studies show (and I really wish I knew how to get federal grant dollars to do these studies) that men can't concentrate or even do basic math when a well endowed women displaying cleavage is sitting at a table to negotiate. The power of cleavage over men trumps the power of penis' over women. Sorry guys. I suggest women start using their cleavage for the good of humankind. Wield it well.

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