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Archive for Monday, June 13, 2011

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River City Jules: Men, privates don’t belong in public

June 13, 2011

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On behalf of all email- and text-receiving women, I have a message regarding the growing phenomenon of men who feel compelled to send photos, including but not limited to distinguished members of Congress, of their ever-increasingly distinguishable members: We do not want to see them.

Some anthropologists (or maybe just I, who once took an anthropology class) believe the trend dates back to prehistoric times when cavemen used to leave crude depictions of themselves wielding large sticks on cave walls. But, much like their descendants today, cavewomen merely rolled their eyes and continued selecting their mates based on who was the best dancer.

Fast-forward to art of the Renaissance Period. More refined than the cavemen, artists of this era used a variety of media to showcase the beauty of man. One particular man, I believe his name was David, asked a buddy of his to create a 17-foot sculpture of himself in order to catch the eye of a Florentine princess. While the piece was hard to miss, the princess could not get over David’s blatant disregard for adequate protection during slingshot battle.

Centuries passed before George Eastman leveled the playing field for artists and non-artists alike with the invention of his Kodak camera. One hundred years of men privately photographing their privates later, Drake Publications took the trend public, launching Playgirl with hopes of capitalizing on the flip side of Hugh Hefner’s famously bunny-clad coin, only to find women actually did prefer the articles.

And now our country’s own public servants cannot take office without sending photos of the very same parts Adam and Eve of Eden-gate tried so desperately to hide from their Creator, or at least the tabloids.

Shame-laden press conferences alone cannot end this millennia-long belief that women derive pleasure from photo verification of one’s gender, so let me give it a try.

If you want to impress a woman, do not send close-ups of your Elvis region. Unless it can fold and sort laundry, it has no unique talent to offer beyond that which we know and for which we are grateful — multiple times over. But we do not care how big it is, we do not care what it looks like in a Speedo. We don’t want to know what you have named it or how eager it is for company. Not in a box, not with a fox, not even if you’re hung like an ox.

Instead, pick up that camera, pan out a bit and send us a shot of you vacuuming the living room or making dinner or shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Send us a video of you singing a love song or reciting poetry. And if you must use the zoom lens, let it be on the single tear you shed when you think about the beauty of a sunset, the smell of a newborn baby or the joy of extended family gatherings with your in-laws.

But for the love of humanity, keep the toys in the toybox and away from Twitter. We’ll let you know when it’s playtime.

— Julie Dunlap can be reached at go@ljworld.com.

Comments

Kookamooka 3 years, 6 months ago

So true. And funny! Why don't guys get this? Of course, studies show (and I really wish I knew how to get federal grant dollars to do these studies) that men can't concentrate or even do basic math when a well endowed women displaying cleavage is sitting at a table to negotiate. The power of cleavage over men trumps the power of penis' over women. Sorry guys. I suggest women start using their cleavage for the good of humankind. Wield it well.

CreatureComforts 3 years, 6 months ago

And yet most of the women I know would rather use them for free drinks or to get out of a ticket :(

And yeah, that's me saying it, not Ron. But I bet he'd agree.

BruceWayne 3 years, 6 months ago

shocked LJW would publish this trash. With Oprah gone the author is at a loss for topics.

RiverCityJules 3 years, 6 months ago

... and yet, you keep reading it. Nice to hear from you, Bruce, it's been a while.

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Mayvbe he's feeling insecure and threatened.

RoeDapple 3 years, 6 months ago

No one, I repeat NO ONE, Has seen or will ever see my junk on the internet! That being said, I have been sent enough pictures of hooters and butts to last a couple of lifetimes, just in the last two or three years. Come on ladies! You know who you are! I'm 63 years old, overweight, high blood pressure, diabetic and have ingrown toenails! Waddatryintodo, kill me? Now knock it off! (At least by the time I turn 65) I gots more than I can keep up with at home!

ivalueamerica 3 years, 6 months ago

Oh, wait, I misunderstood, I thought this was about household waste reduction.

In the words of the late great Emily Latella

NEVERMIND

ivalueamerica 3 years, 6 months ago

its farce, not a documentary, for goodness sakes, grow up.

snoozey 3 years, 6 months ago

Scratch Julie off the list of fun people I'd care to be marooned with.

RiverCityJules 3 years, 6 months ago

If "fun" will revolve around me looking at your phallic photo collection, then you probably need to find another maroon mate. Which is a shame, as I'd always hoped to end up whooping it up on an island with someone who calls himself "Snoozey." ;-)

snoozey 3 years, 6 months ago

No offense meant but if you are inspired to a blog deriding nude pics you maybe a bit too shy in the whoopee department for the 'ole snooze. I can' t say for sure, mind you, but you may allow that it's not a promising beginning. I should point out that I've never selected a date based on a weinie pic predilection and I do agree with your point that there is nothing attractive about 'em. Then again I've had one all my life and that has been more than adequate to satiate my curiosity, so, perhaps i'm a bit biased against their display as well when you come down to it.

Liberty275 3 years, 6 months ago

We all know women love men with armadillos in their pants. Also, the volume on the best high-end stereo equipment goes to 11.

RoeDapple 3 years, 6 months ago

Just send me a picture of you makin' me a sammich. bring beer too.

somedude20 3 years, 6 months ago

If women did not like the look of male genitalia then how can they explain all of the porn that is geared to them. I am sure that the homosexual market is not the main source of income for male skin flicks/mags and of course there is Chippendales. Women, we know you can be sneaky and I think this is just disinformation (this reminds me of the that kind of propaganda that Dick Cheney would put out) because we know that you enjoy looking at the (Anthony) Weiner!

Before you say that male genitalia looks weird, look at your own then watch either Alien or Aliens and watch the alien pods open up,then look at yourself again......

pagan_idolator 3 years, 6 months ago

I am not sneaky about it at all sir. I tape mirrors on my shoes when I know I am going to be around men in kilts. Just returned from the Kansas City Scottish Highland Games and I am currently lounging around with cold packs on my eyeballs.

ivalueamerica 3 years, 6 months ago

actually, what you think and what is real are 2 different things, for example, playgirl, the ultimate in male for female porn, is actually more read by gay men. That is why Palin's almost son in law decided not to pose fully nude there, when he realized his junk would be presented to more men than women.

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Don't you love it when men say they "know" what women want, when the truth is that it is what they "want" women to want. Somedude, some men like to look at child porn, does that mean all men like child porn?

somedude20 3 years, 6 months ago

Like women don't pretend to think they know men want, HA! It is all the same, only the name will change. As for you asking if all men love child porn, don't know, ask em. You can start with me. No, I do not like child porn P.S. your analogy is wrong and you missed the point but that is ok. I am not going to get into all of the reasons why but lets just leave it at that child porn is illegal

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Sorry dude, thought you were generalizing all women so I was showing what generalizing all men would be like. Not all women look at porn or go to see Chippendales.

rockchalker52 3 years, 6 months ago

Loved it. Score one for your side. No scoring for our side - via Twitter, anyway.

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

LOL. It seems to be one of his favorite phrases. Kind of juvenile.

homechanger 3 years, 6 months ago

I just laughed when I read your comment.

Mamba 3 years, 6 months ago

So true Julie, so true. Obviously some people are into the whole "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" thing. That is fine between two consenting adults. But I don't want to see yours. So please for the love of God if you are a famous person who has a wife with pending children, just use a little common sense! Oh, and I'll keep you on my list of people I want to be marooned with. Oh, and Bon Jovi.

BigPrune 3 years, 6 months ago

Kudos for not mentioning Democrat Rep. Weiner (NY) in the article.....

btw. - don't most modern guys do all the housework, fix dinner, change diapers, do the laundry already? you know, the traditional wifey role, plus bring home the bacon? What are women good for these days?

....now, back to my goddesses for some "winning."

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

You missed the part where wifey is bringing home the bacon too, sometimes more than the man. I can work circles around most modern men. Very rarely do you see a working man doing "all" the housework so surely that is not what you meant to say.

verity 3 years, 6 months ago

Hmm, I think the comments here verify the truth of the article.

Of course it's full of stereotypes and hyperbole---isn't that what comedy is about?

sissezz 3 years, 6 months ago

ok how about this ...send me a pic of a guy doing house work in the NUDE! that'll work... lol best of both worlds! And for the record there isnt anything wrong with naughty pics as long as everyone is consenting and adult.

RiverCityJules 3 years, 6 months ago

Consenting adults? Absolutely! Especially if they can vacuum!

sissezz 3 years, 6 months ago

If im in a relationship and the guy sent me a racey pic..... shoot it may brighten up my day. lol!

RoeDapple 3 years, 6 months ago

I have no idea what wimmen want. I still want that sammich though.

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Now Roe is the smart guy here, he knows how to deal with wimmen, which is wisdom that comes with age.

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Ty Pendennington, or any of those other handymen on tv.

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

I'm sure he cleans up good. Bet his wife has some good stories. Maybe they have a place for him to clean up after the shoot. If he would let me in on what laundry detergent they use, that might be sexy.

RiverCityJules 3 years, 6 months ago

Don't recall either of them texting photos of their units, but to answer your question, Captain Jack.

BigPrune 3 years, 6 months ago

What if a dude sends a racy photo to his girlfriend, then his girlfriend ends up sending the photo to a couple of her girlfriends, then her girlfriends separately hit on the dude at a party?

It kind of throws everything out the window doesn't it?

:)

RiverCityJules 3 years, 6 months ago

Thank you all for reading, I hope it brought a little levity to your day. We are all far more likable when we smile.

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Well it did make my day a little more bearable since my stupid asthma has me down and out and no amount of medications is helping. Keep thinking of all the things I need to be doing, but can't.

BruceWayne 3 years, 6 months ago

"On behalf of all email- and text-receiving women, I have a message regarding the growing phenomenon of men who feel compelled to send photos, including but not limited to distinguished members of Congress, of their ever-increasingly distinguishable members: We do not want to see them." So you speak for "all" women now? Get over yourself.

RoeDapple 3 years, 6 months ago

Relax Batma . . I mean Bruce. I'm thinkin' it was a tongue-in-cheek sorta thing . . .

8-[

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Really, you have to wonder why it upset him so much. Hmmmm

mcrckchlk 3 years, 6 months ago

If Jules doesn't really speak for "all" women, sir Bruce, must you then take such an offended stance on behalf of all the other women? While your screen name is the alter-ego of a children's comic book hero, the leather and cape at night does not mean your stance is wise (please reference your portrayal by George Clooney circa 1997).

It's a humor column, Batman! It's satire (i.e. something to put a small smirk on your face while drinking your orange juice before you realize you have a day's worth of being you.)

Obviously "all" was just an exaggeration representing "the majority," or "a lot" or "a significant portion" or if that doesn't work "all the females on the same cell phone plan." Whichever it is, it's not written with a self-inflated ego.

If week after week your comments are so critical then please start your own blog with your own ideas that I may predictably rely upon as a reminder "thank god I'm not this guy." Otherwise please tend to Robin's wounds rather than poorly attempting to hinder Ms. Jules' merit (ha... just read my last three words a second time).

So may I declare... figuratively speaking... on behalf of "a significant portion" of all males not elected to their occupation nor living on the Jersey Shore: ---when it comes to my pal Persephone (Yep... call it Persephone... sounds musically talented...), even if God cast him out of gold (went with silver) with a girth that'll cause overage fees on any cell plan... despite the best lighting with perfectly captured angles, I shall never come close to making my Twitter-post look as big of an anatomical shaft that you... literally speaking... represent as a human being.

RiverCityJules 3 years, 6 months ago

I do not know you, but I like you. Thank you.

@Bruce, I'm pretty sure this is not the doctor you think it is. Now please go spread your sunshine elsewhere. Surely there is a puppy you could kick somewhere.

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Ok, tell your wife we said you deserve a sammic, heck, make it two.

RoeDapple 3 years, 6 months ago

She must be a mind reader, just walked in with my lunch! Now as long as she doesn't read my posts . . .

throwdown_wallet 3 years, 6 months ago

Hilarious article! And the comments are almost as much fun to read. It sounds like someone has a bee in his balaclava...

I certainly can't think of any of my congresspeople I would want sending me pictures of his or her parts that should be covered by a swimsuit. I know you didn't name names, RCJ, but a certain unfortunately-named representative from New York has definitely made this topic one that everyone is talking about. Funny AND topical--Jules, you rock!

RiverCityJules 3 years, 6 months ago

I can assure you this was a piece not to be taken too literally (except the part about not wanting to see random dingdongs, that, I stand by). A little humor to get a point across. River City Jules is a weekly humor column that should, under no circumstances, be taken seriously or read for real-life instruction, and Lord help those who look to it for something informative. I often forget that online it gets mixed in with all the bloggers, whereas in print it appears weekly in the Go! ("lifestyle") section.

Husband laughed quite hard at this one before I sent it in, I promise :)

NinaR 3 years, 6 months ago

I think we understand it was your attempt at, "humor" but seriously?? Your husband needs to be honest with you, this is tripe!

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Hope your statement goes for men too because I've seen them do it too.

David Dunlap 3 years, 6 months ago

I've met that poor emasculated fool. It's nothing but vacuuming and getting RCJ her cocktails after a hard days work at the flower shop. Wishing ..oh wishing that he had a relationship based on trust and mutual respect. How true the conclusions are that you jumped to from reading a 500 word humor writer's column about someone's johnson. Amazing.

RiverCityJules 3 years, 6 months ago

Come home, PearlJ, my drink needs refilling. I love you! xo

RoeDapple 3 years, 6 months ago

Damn! For a second there I thought you gave prospector MY cell number!

NinaR 3 years, 6 months ago

Yes, there may be a number of men who are fascinated by a certain part of their anatomy, however, there's an equal number of women who are obsessed with their bodies and revealing their latest plastic enhancement. I recall you writing an article on, "the perfect swimsuit"?! Seriously, you're a 40 year old woman, most swimsuit discussions are left behind in grade school!

LadyJ 3 years, 6 months ago

Now this is really getting funny. New user with female (yeah right) name.

lawrencechick 3 years, 6 months ago

Getting back to the original point of the editorial - yes it disgusting and assinine that a congressman would 1) be such a pervert and 2) be stupid enough to publicize his perversion. These are the people that are making critical decisions for our country? Deciding what health care I should have? Like him or not, Leonard Pitts had an awesome column yesterday - pointing out the fact that he couldn't remember the last time a female politician was involved in a scandal like this. Can we please get someone in Washington who knows why they are there.

TopJayhawk 3 years, 6 months ago

Now that there is funny stuff. Both the article and the insecurity of certain male members and their members........funny funny. Jules, you are hot darlin'

notaubermime 3 years, 6 months ago

I've gotta agree that Weiner clearly did not think through his actions. He should have focused on what women want: rock stars. Don't send a picture of your member, send a picture of you singing into a microphone on a stage with pyrotechnics in the background... while vacuuming... in the nude. A picture like that isn't labelled "lewd" or called "scandalous", it is called "art" and deservedly so. Just a crotch shot? Perverted. Naked, vacuuming rock star? Thing of beauty.

classclown 3 years, 6 months ago

I find it humorous that a blog about mens privates was written by someone named Jules. Too bad the last name isn't Johnson or Wang.

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