Oh, the Saints aren’t in the Super Bowl this year? Never mind. I don’t really care who’s in it, I just show up to the party, over-hug the hostess, comment on all the wonderful things they’ve done with the house.
“Wow, new kitchen?”
“Must be all that great food, then,” I say, then over-hug the hostess again and wander off to eat my weight in chicken wings.
Yeah, you can fake a Super Bowl. Just follow me. Here’s how to have a great time on Sunday, even if you’re not a big football fan, on the biggest social occasion of the year:
• Pitch in behind the bar or in the kitchen.
• Wander the TV room with a cheese tray and a full bottle of wine. When someone holds out their empty glass, plop a piece of cheese in it and move on.
• In the second quarter shout: “Who are you people? How did I get here?” then stumble toward the bedroom, fall on the pile of guest coats and take a two-hour nap.
Preferably, you’ll sleep through the halftime show, particularly this year’s. The Black-Eyed Peas are performing. They are led by a smug man with punctuation in his name. There is also a band member named apl.de.ap, which I think might be some kind of computer coding.
If that isn’t enough, there’s this Fergie, an underdressed singer. She is known primarily for her supple mind.
You’ll note that the NFL only picks Super Bowl acts that, like me, are a little past their prime. Last year, it was the Who. The year before, Ludwig van Beethoven. Big hit, Beethoven. And he didn’t even expose himself.
Honestly, I don’t care who plays at halftime, as long as it’s not me. Because halftime is an excellent time to show off my knowledge of professional football.
Don’t know anything about the game? Neither do I. Don’t let that stop you. You just need a few ad-libs prepared in advance.
For instance, the Packers have this Buick of a man named B.J. Raji. He is a splendid specimen — as wide as he is tall. When No. 90 waddles across the field, shout “Raj Mahal!”
Another way to liven up the party is to quote some relevant stats. Zoosk.com, a social website, surveyed 1,000 or so of its members and discovered:
• 73 percent of women would rather watch the Super Bowl than have sex.
• Nearly 50 percent of men would rather have sex than watch the game.
• 57 percent of men said they’re rooting for the Green Bay Packers.
• 54 percent of women said they’ll be cheering for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Obviously, that’s all relevant stuff. Or, at the very least, entertaining stuff. Or maybe just stuff.
Go stuff! Go Saints! Happy Super Bowl.