Unlike the Smurfs movie, 2011 was packed full of highlights worthy of review, a few of which I present to you now as one more thing to read while you further delay taking the holiday lights off your home …
Shania Twain kicked off Jan. 1 by yet again marrying someone who was not my husband, much to his dismay.
I did not marry Shania either, but I did get a new(ish) minivan, complete with a sunroof and a three-month XM radio subscription.
Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes for what many assumed would be his final time; I watched it even though the only nominated movie I had seen was “Toy Story 3.” (See: minivan.)
We quickly forgot about Gervais in February when Charlie Sheen hit talk shows, the Internet and a few goddesses. Our insatiable curiosity about bi-winning led Charlie to set a Ticketmaster record in March by selling out his national self-promotion tour in 18 minutes while our forefathers spun wildly in their graves.
Highly distractible as we are, though, we soon swapped our tiger blood for tea. By April 29, nearly every man I knew had heard enough about William and Kate. And by April 30, nearly every woman I knew had heard enough about Pippa.
And, apparently, by May 1, President Obama had had enough with both Donald Trump and Osama bin Laden, releasing his birth certificate and the Navy SEALS, respectively, upon them.
In other political news, Sarah Palin toured Paul Revere’s old British-warning stomping grounds while the rest of the Republicans announced their candidacies for president. Democrats were too distracted by a package belonging to the unfortunately named Anthony Weiner to notice.
Congress spent the summer warning us of certain death due to something called the debt ceiling crisis, which I suspect was code for the end of the “Oprah” show. Either way, we survived, though I’m not sure how much longer the current Congress will.
On the home front, our summer ended with a drive to Yellowstone, where we joined the ranks of families who have seen a bear, slept in a cabin and renewed their XM radio subscription halfway through their family vacation.
We returned in time for school and in autumn said goodbye to Erica Kane and Steve Jobs. Both society-shaping, once-in-a-generation legends, one was better known for getting married and the other for dictating what I should buy for Christmas every year.
Fortunately, holiday shopping was still alive and well here in Lawrence, as any one of the hundreds of people standing outside Best Buy on Thanksgiving night can attest.
Which brings us to December 2011, when professional basketball players and franchise owners ended the NBA lockout in an act thus far unmatched by Congress by successfully negotiating an agreement, allowing our country to finally move forward and our forefathers to once again rest in peace.
Have your cake pop and eat it too, and don’t forget that a cup of kindness is best enjoyed with (Words with) Friends. #Seeyounextyear