Archive for Monday, November 15, 2010


River City Jules: A Thanksgiving carol

November 15, 2010


It has been brought to my attention that certain radio stations have already started playing holiday music.

While I can accept the need for retailers to start their holiday campaigns on the tail of Halloween, I cannot handle this blatant disregard for my beloved Thanksgiving by disc jockeys cramming December down our throats before we get even a nibble of turkey.

So in protest, I have written new lyrics to some popular holiday carols. Feel free to sing them in your head (or out loud, I won’t judge) whenever you hear the familiar tunes and enjoy the month of gratitude just like the Pilgrims and Native Americans dreamed we one day would.

To start us off, I have penned a ditty to replace “Jingle Bells” that is sure to warm the soul, if not set the calendar straight.

Thanks-giv-ing, Thanks-giv-ing,

Thanks-giv-ing comes first.

Right between Hall-o-ween

And Christmas on a Thurs-DAY!

Thanks-giv-ing, Thanks-giv-ing,

Please don’t skip this day.

Santa isn’t ready yet

To load his reindeer sleigh – HEY!

And to counter “O Christmas Tree” I have an ode to a Thanksgiving favorite.

O, Pumpkin Pie, O, Pumpkin Pie,

I cannot wait to eat you.

O, Pumpkin Pie, O, Pumpkin Pie,

Whipped cream on top completes you.

Seducing me from the buffet

To put my skinny jeans away.

O, Pumpkin Pie, O, Pumpkin Pie

I cannot wait to eat you.

Enjoy my antidote to prematurely ringing “Silver Bells,” with this scene from an American Thanksgiving.

Turkey’s roasting, stuffing’s toasting,

The parade’s nearly done;

On the stovetop the gravy has thickened.

Children laughing, gas is passing.

See the Cowboys have won;

And around the whole kitchen you’ll hear:

Christmas sales, Christmas sales

Meet me at Target tomorrow,

Five A.M., see you then.

How I love Thanksgiving Day.

I will probably have to answer for this one someday, but I think even St. Peter would agree that it is a bit too early for “O Come, All Ye Faithful.”

O come to the table, giving thanks for turkey,

Loosen your belt and let the feasting begin.


Sweet potatoes call your name.

You hope no one’s offended

Your belly looks distended,

But Thanksgiving’s not ended

There’s pie left to eat!

Look for more tunes on my Thanksgiving CD, due for release July 5, 2011, featuring a tribute to napping, including “God Rest, Ye Men on Tryptophan” and “(I’m Dreaming of a) Food Coma.” In the meantime, I hope you take a moment to stop and smell November. It is delicious.


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