There has been a lot of talk lately about overhauling our country’s health care system. While our leaders duke it out in D.C., I have written a plan of my own. And I have done it in less than 1,000 pages. Less than 1,000 words, in fact.
So, Congress? Take note …
Some blame the providers, others blame the insurance companies, but truthfully it is we the people, hell-bent on having our cake, supersizing it and, of course, eating it too. In the drive-thru. On our way to Walmart. To pick up our cholesterol meds.
Now, before we start feeling bad about ourselves, just remember it is not our fault.
I mean, who can resist a big, sexy oversized burrito? Or a (pan of) brownie(s) with a (pint-sized) scoop of Chunky Monkey on the side? We are being played. Like an Xbox on a beautiful sunny day.
Madonna, on the other hand, will turn 52 this year and is in perfect shape, which is why I will appoint her Chair of the Committee on How To Look Freaking Awesome As We Age. Tina Turner will be her deputy.
Of course, the Material Girl did not acquire that perfectly sculpted body by simply refusing to go to bed with Ben and Jerry (no small accomplishment; they are great in bed). No, Madonna vogued her way to those rock-hard abs. For most of us, though, a new exercise program can be costly. Fortunately, under my plan, old leg warmers may be exchanged for The Perfect Push-Up as part of the “Cash for Clunkers” program extension.
Be sure to consult your doctor before beginning any new exercise program. I’m putting Dr. McDreamy in charge of that. You’re welcome.
With Americans leaner and meaner, diabetes, heart disease, strokes, sleep apnea and depression (which, apparently, can be exacerbated by downing a bag of chips while watching “Bachelor” re-runs) will no longer assault our well-being.
And, with all American women rocking their hot bods and with American men no longer ailing from that which brings them down, the need for erectile dysfunction drugs, which currently account for roughly 60 percent of all prescription dollars (I’m totally making that up), will nearly disappear.
Speaking of prescription plans, mine will include guacamole, dark chocolate and red wine.
A lofty agenda with some pretty high-profile names, I know. How will we fund it, you ask? A “Sin Tax” that will encompass tobacco, soft drinks, drive-thru windows, the cast of “Jersey Shore” and running shoes (running causes pain and suffering we cannot afford to fix — trust me).
But not bacon. Bacon is exempt. So are nachos.
And Tiger Woods will bankroll anything not covered by my plan. (He knows why.)
Alternatively, we let health care experts such as Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann continue to cage-fight on cable TV while the people we elected work together to find a solution …
But I like my plan better.
Comments
LJWorld.com doesn’t necessarily condone the comments here, nor does it review every post. Read our full policy. Also, read about banned accounts and harassing comments.
This comment was removed by the site staff for violation of the usage agreement.
monicataylor (Monica Taylor) says…
I'm all for keeping it simple! Too funny!
snap_pop_no_crackle (anonymous) says…
"Madonna, on the other hand, will turn 52 this year and is in perfect shape..."
If you think this is "perfect shape", you've got some issues.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/...
BigPrune (anonymous) says…
If you saw Madonna during her prime (mono brow and all) walking down the street and she wasn't famous, she wouldn't even get most guys to give her a second glance. Same could be said about Mick Jagger for women. Why are ugly people considered attractive if they are rich and famous?
merrill (anonymous) says…
What a wonderful commentary....
Well Julie how about if we throw in some ideas about home work out systems? What the heck.
I've babbled about this before however with guacamole,dark chocolate and red wine it becomes evermore fun is my guess. All three work for this family( our youngest gets spritzers instead of red wine).
Let's talk in home wellness centers to keep humans healthy and wise plus eliminates air pollution by NOT driving.
Keep health care expenses down for the country by way of establishing home wellness centers which might be better than driving across town. YES what a great tax deduction and clean air idea this could be.
What could this wellness center look like:
*Bicycle - Take a break go cycling
*CrossXOver Elliptical Trainer ( many choices)
*Weight Bench Set ( not expensive)
*Power Walking builds energy and is fun. Vary the routes and see the town.
*Lovely fruits and Veggies taste soooo good
*Not Bottled water but yes water( save dollars and the environment)
*Sleep makes one feel good
*Whole food Multi-vitamins, meaning those made with food, to provide the immune system with a boost specifically if one enjoys socializing. There are many labels to choose from.
Why not set up in the spare bedroom,garage, basement or on the patio(spring through fall) . The TV/stereo/radio room or near the computer putting exercise in view as a reminder. May as well keep it fun.
Enjoy…
kudzutexas (anonymous) says…
Great stuff! Really funny.
angelbaby (anonymous) says…
im not sure if its funny...i dont think tryn 2 figur out a health care plan is a joking matter...i mean yah some of the statements were a little bit amusing...but that health care plan is somethn thats going 2 effect many people
merrill (anonymous) says…
This writer is placing emphasis on wellness. improved Medicare Insurance for All will also focus on wellness.
Wellness must be substantial player this process.
RiverCityJules (anonymous) says…
Honestly, I debated whether or not to appoint Madonna over other candidates, however after seeing her on NBC's "The Marriage Ref," my decision was made. She looks awesome, not at all like the photo (Photoshop, perhaps? Didn't it appear in a tabloid?) of an emaciated Material Girl, but a well-toned woman. As an added bonus, she seemed to have nearly dropped the British accent, even slipping in a little New York a few times. And, Merrill, I would venture to guess she works out at home quite a bit :)
Thank you for reading, and I hope you all have a fantastic week. Hopefully the sun will shine soon!
sunny (anonymous) says…
Her ta ta's look good!