A McDreamy health care plan
There has been a lot of talk lately about overhauling our country’s health care system. While our leaders duke it out in D.C., I have written a plan of my own. And I have done it in less than 1,000 pages. Less than 1,000 words, in fact.
So, Congress? Take note …
Some blame the providers, others blame the insurance companies, but truthfully it is we the people, hell-bent on having our cake, supersizing it and, of course, eating it too. In the drive-thru. On our way to Walmart. To pick up our cholesterol meds.
Now, before we start feeling bad about ourselves, just remember it is not our fault.
I mean, who can resist a big, sexy oversized burrito? Or a (pan of) brownie(s) with a (pint-sized) scoop of Chunky Monkey on the side? We are being played. Like an Xbox on a beautiful sunny day.
Madonna, on the other hand, will turn 52 this year and is in perfect shape, which is why I will appoint her Chair of the Committee on How To Look Freaking Awesome As We Age. Tina Turner will be her deputy.
Of course, the Material Girl did not acquire that perfectly sculpted body by simply refusing to go to bed with Ben and Jerry (no small accomplishment; they are great in bed). No, Madonna vogued her way to those rock-hard abs. For most of us, though, a new exercise program can be costly. Fortunately, under my plan, old leg warmers may be exchanged for The Perfect Push-Up as part of the “Cash for Clunkers” program extension.
Be sure to consult your doctor before beginning any new exercise program. I’m putting Dr. McDreamy in charge of that. You’re welcome.
With Americans leaner and meaner, diabetes, heart disease, strokes, sleep apnea and depression (which, apparently, can be exacerbated by downing a bag of chips while watching “Bachelor” re-runs) will no longer assault our well-being.
And, with all American women rocking their hot bods and with American men no longer ailing from that which brings them down, the need for erectile dysfunction drugs, which currently account for roughly 60 percent of all prescription dollars (I’m totally making that up), will nearly disappear.
Speaking of prescription plans, mine will include guacamole, dark chocolate and red wine.
A lofty agenda with some pretty high-profile names, I know. How will we fund it, you ask? A “Sin Tax” that will encompass tobacco, soft drinks, drive-thru windows, the cast of “Jersey Shore” and running shoes (running causes pain and suffering we cannot afford to fix — trust me).
But not bacon. Bacon is exempt. So are nachos.
And Tiger Woods will bankroll anything not covered by my plan. (He knows why.)
Alternatively, we let health care experts such as Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann continue to cage-fight on cable TV while the people we elected work together to find a solution …
But I like my plan better.