Double Take: Mom jumping too soon into post-divorce lifestyle

Dear Dr. Wes and Samantha: My mom and dad aren’t even divorced yet and my mom just informed me that she has been dating someone for a while now. I know this is her decision and there’s nothing I can do about it, but I just feel like it’s too soon, and she should wait until her divorce is final. Worse, she wants me to meet him and spend time with him. This is just too much for me right now. I am already stressed out over everything going on, and this just adds to it. I’m afraid if I tell her how I feel and what I think about it, she’ll get angry.

Samantha: You have a completely valid reason to be upset. You’re still torn up over your parents’ divorce, and your mom is running to a new guy faster than a shopaholic runs to a designer purse on Black Friday. Worse, she’s pushing you into a relationship with a man you don’t know, and you are not even used to the idea of life without your mom and dad as a couple.

Though you may not agree with your mom’s choices, try to understand her reasoning. She’s used to having your dad as part of her basic foundation, and now that relationship has crumbled. Her way to cope with losing your dad may be to find someone to fill the void right away. She may be scared to be alone, and she also may be looking for a father figure and role model for you.

That being said, I agree that she is rushing things. If her divorce isn’t finalized, it’s definitely too soon to be dating new men. If she were writing us, I would tell her that, before she starts dating again, she needs to take some time to reevaluate her life, her goals, and what she wants in a mate. She should give herself and you time to emotionally process the divorce.

It’s fair for you to ask your mom not to date anyone until the divorce is finalized. I know it’s hard to stand up to a parent, but you will feel better about yourself if you do it. Tell her you just need some time. Explain to her that you want her to be happy and find love again, but you are still getting used to the idea of your parents’ divorce. You can’t forbid her from dating him until the divorce is finalized, but, if you tell her how uncomfortable it makes you, she may try to accommodate your needs. At the very least, she might better understand your reluctance to spend time with her new boyfriend.

When you do talk to your mom, let her know you’re willing to meet the new man in her life once more time has passed, but, right now, it’s too painful. In a couple months, agree to meet her new guy in a low-key setting, like at lunch with your mom. You don’t have to like him right away and you don’t have to spend time alone with him if it makes you uncomfortable, but try to be civil and find common ground to show your mom you are making an effort.

This must be a difficult time for you, so I hope you have found someone you can talk to and confide in. Best wishes.

Wes: I wish this sounded odd to me, but from a clinical standpoint it’s all too common. I’d suggest you go down to that “Marriage and Divorce” bookshelf I talked about last week, and pick up a book for you mom on how to parent through divorce. Several good ones exist, and not one approves of what she’s doing, either for her or for you. Unfortunately, you’ve no influence over her dating choices, but you do have the right to protest your involvement, if you do it calmly and sensibly.

People going through crises often get a little numb to the world around them. There’s actually a term for this as it pertains to you — it’s called “diminished parenting.” She expects you to cope with whatever she throws your way because she feels like she has to. Of course you should be able to depend on your mom as a rock in the torrent of change you’re facing. But just as you need her most, your mom thinks she needs someone else and, just as Samantha suggests, it’s another man.

Just for the record, if they go anywhere at all, these rebound relationships fail between 80 and 90 percent of the time. So I wouldn’t get too worried just yet. That said, the fact that she’s trying to force you into something with this guy worries me. Maybe she hasn’t read those statistics or taken them seriously, imagining a bright future ahead. Teenagers always think they’re the exception to the rule where relationships are concerned, and your mom is sort of back in that state of mind right now.

If you can’t get her to back off with the new introductions, you might want to press for a therapist to get involved. I’ll warn you and all parents reading that some therapists have experience in these matters and some don’t. Divorce and custody is a specialized area of practice, so shop around. When you find someone, plan to sign yourself in as the client, and then directly ask the therapist to help you explain to your mom why this makes things harder. A good therapist will provide countless reasons why your mom’s current tack is taking everyone off course, and help set some ground rules for what is and isn’t appropriate. She’s free to have her romance because she is an adult. She just needs to think twice, and then again, before forcing anything on you at this vulnerable time in your life.

I could write 90,000 words on this subject and never get to the end of what I’ve seen. I hope when you’re 26, you’ll only be able to write about five in documenting your experiences: Eventually things turned out okay.

— Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Samantha Schwartz is a recent graduate of Lawrence High School. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.