I’ve been known to go on tirades about the plummeting lack of manners and etiquette at movie theaters. I’ve even been on the aggressive end of sending a patron’s phone flying toward the exit after a cellular conversation went on too long during the climax of an adventure pic. So you texters beware ...
But today my diatribe takes aim at my favorite social networking site. Specifically, why are folks becoming such cads on Facebook?
Once solely a method to interact or reconnect with friends, Facebook is gradually being monopolized by dark forces. First, it’s becoming a “look at me” place to brag about one’s professional accomplishments. Second, it’s turning into a marketing incubator.
In hopes of keeping this network from sinking faster than NBC, I want to reveal some of the Facebook credos to which I subscribe.
1. I only “friend” people I know.
This may seem obvious, but you’ll be amazed how many individuals I don’t recognize try to friend me under the assumption I’ll write about them or hire them or something. These are the same people who in high school asked the prom queen they never once talked to if she’d sign their yearbook. (Note: I was never prom queen ... or king.)
2. If I’m your friend, I’m not your fan.
Based on Rule 1, I already think highly of you by being your friend on Facebook. So don’t ask me to become a faceless minion on your professional fan page. Why are you making your own fan page, anyway? If you’re prominent enough, some teen in Sri Lanka will create one for you already.
3. Don’t tag me in something with which I have no connection.
Recently a filmmaker acquaintance tagged me in a video, which popped up on the front of my page broadcasting to everybody that they should watch this thing in which I was supposedly featured. Turns out the video was an investigative TV package that this director had put together in his distant past. It had absolutely no connection to me whatsoever. It was basically just a cheap way for him to trumpet, “Look at this cool thing I once did.”
The problem was it was a video about Nazi skinheads. So the implication of his tagging was essentially implying to the world, “Hey look at this old Nazi footage that Niccum was in!”
I may be bald, but I ain’t no skinhead.
I couldn’t delete his name fast enough.
4. I have no interest in joining your cause.
Even if I agree that shooting Tasers at manatees is a terrible crime against nature, you’ll need to recruit me the old-fashioned way: having me hang up on you when you randomly call my house.
5. I’ll take your quiz, but I might lie.
It’s occasionally a hoot to figure out Which Marvel Superhero Are You (Cyclops) or to list the 15 Things You Don’t Know About Me (former Olympian). But I have no problem exaggerating the details for a more interesting read. I do it all the time in this column.
6. I don’t want to play Mob Wars.
I already work at The World Company. I have no desire to join another organization where I’ll constantly worry if doing the wrong thing around the wrong boss will get me whacked.