Once, a young sportswriter calling from Florida went on and on about a new girlfriend. After extolling the virtues of her appearance and wit, her brains and grit, he said he envisioned spending the rest of his life with her.

“I can’t wait to bring her home to mom,” he said.

Before hanging up, I asked her name.

“Dawn,” he said. “Stage name Genesis.”

Which of course brings us to golfer Eldrick Woods, stage name Tiger.

The love-struck sportswriter calling from Florida wasn’t married. If Tiger Woods could say the same, he wouldn’t be in sex rehab. He’d be lionized as a fun-loving playboy the way Joe Namath was when he won Super Bowl III.

The fallout of Tiger not being single led him to a podium, where he gave a speech Friday morning. Who knows if Tiger is a sex addict or just another man-in-demand not cut out for marriage. This much we do know: He’s like most celebrities in that when he tried to apologize, he made the mess messier.

What is it with these hugely successful men that when they try to sound as if they have been humbled after being exposed as cheaters they come off sounding so out-of-touch with an audience not nearly as stupid as they think?

President Richard Milhous Nixon accepted the “responsibility, but not the blame,” for the Watergate coverup. President William Jefferson Clinton philosophized about the definition of the word “is,” during the sex scandal with “that woman, Miss Lewinski.” Slugger Mark McGwire’s confession included him saying he didn’t think steroids enhanced his performance. Maybe he thought people were asking about his love life.

And Friday, Tiger’s well-rehearsed “apology” had him reading off sheets of paper. It aimed to accomplish two contradictory goals: 1. Show he genuinely is sorry for his actions; 2. Shift the blame to a safe villain, the press.

When he referenced his fans, you could almost hear a media coach’s voice: “Now don’t forget, Tiger, you have to look right into the camera to gain sincerity points. There, just like that. Perfect. I can see how you became so great. You are so coachable. Free tonight?”

Estimates put Tiger’s mistress count in the teens, including a pair of porn stars. He would have sounded so much more authentic had he stuck up for them, saying something along the lines of, “Hey, ease off the porn stars. Porn stars are people too, you know.”

Instead, he indicated his wife, Elin Nordegren, never hit him with a golf club and emphasized that she did nothing wrong. He assumes anybody would think less of her for clubbing him when most people’s reactions would range from uttering an “‘atta girl” to being turned-on. Come on guys, admit it.

Tiger lectured the media for hounding Nordegren, as if he had nothing to do with that inevitable consequence of his actions.

It’s easy to feel sympathy for the Swedish swimsuit model. One day she no doubt called a friend to tell her about the handsome, ripped gentleman at the top of his profession she had just started dating, and when that friend asked his name, she might have said with pride, “Eldrick. Stage name Tiger.”