The A’s approach nurtures relationships
There were a lot of things that impressed us during the movie “Avatar.” Certainly it is a spectacle worth seeing. However, both of us agree the most powerful moments of the movie were when the words “I see you” were spoken by the main characters as they looked into each other’s eyes. Being seen, being recognized, being valued, are essential to our spirit. In order to truly see each other we have to be conscious. We have to be mindful in our relationships and in our loving. How many of us can truly say we live our relationships consciously?
In our work with clients we have found a book that is very helpful, whether you are in a committed love relationship or want to improve your relationships with family and friends. The book is “How to be an Adult in Relationships,” by David Richo. It is filled with useful tools to build skills to become conscious in your relationships.
The five A’s
Richo refers to five keys, the five A’s, for mindful loving: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. Here, in brief, are aspects of each “A.”
• Attention, when genuine and focused, involves an expression of interest and engagement. Therefore it cannot occur with the television on.
• Acceptance is all about the experience of safety. When we are respected for all of our thoughts, feelings and idiosyncratic ways, we feel safe.
• Appreciation, according to Richo, deepens acceptance. When we appreciate something we give the object of our appreciation value. The more we appreciate something the more its value.
• Affection is felt at the cellular level. The human need for affection, particularly in these troubled times, cannot be overstated. Affection is an expression of like and love. Affection can be expressed in a myriad of ways; from simple touch to kind words to a basket of flowers.
• Allowing means providing an environment in which everyone is free to express him or herself. Allowing cannot exist in a highly controlled environment or one with rigid expectations for behavior.
Put away the ego
Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to review your actions each day and determine whether you have provided the five A’s in your relationship? Most of us will struggle to consciously apply the A’s because our conditioning and egos get in the way. You cannot be mindful in your loving if you are ego-driven. And you are not conscious if you are reacting to your environment from conditioning.
Most of us will find that how we engage our adult relationships today has strong underpinnings in our family of origin. How did you feel in your family? Did you get the five A’s from your parents? Most likely you didn’t. It is important to recognize what was missing and how it may be affecting your ability to provide it in your relationship today. It also may be affecting your choice of relationship.
It is important to come to the task of building conscious relationship skills without judgment of your past or present situation. Become an investigator and observer. We strongly recommend Richo’s book to provide structure and essential foundation to the work you do.