Los Angeles ? Enough with the two-a-days, coach-speak, NCAA committee of distractions, poll posturing and depth charts — it’s time for Hawaii and USC to strike up the sand.

With the season opening Thursday, we offer a kitchen-sink slew of phony-baloney predictions you can take straight to the Bailey Savings & Loan.

• Expect upsets over Labor Day weekend. The numerically challenged Big Ten (Minnesota) will steal an early game from the Sun Belt (Middle Tennessee) now that Blue Raiders quarterback Dwight Dasher has been suspended for accepting a $1,500 loan in violation of NCAA rules.

Middle Tennessee had been favored.

• Kansas State will pull off a mild home upset over UCLA. The Bruins can’t get through a walk-through without someone ending up in surgery. Quarterback Kevin Prince’s back muscle injury will be lingering and threaten to turn the “pistol” offense into the pop gun.

• Former USC quarterback Aaron Corp will lead Richmond to the NCAA Football Championship Subdivision title and Pete Carroll will tweet “I’m pumped for Aaron!”

• Someone will try to argue a September game, Clemson vs. Presbyterian, before the Supreme Court.

• Alabama will blast San Jose State in its home opener, 73-6 (or something like that).

• Wisconsin will blast San Jose State the next week in Wisconsin, 56-13 (or something like that).

• Utah will blast San Jose State on Sept. 25 in Salt Lake City, 46-12 (or something like that).

• San Jose State’s first-year Coach Mike MacIntyre will say these kind of games build character (or something like that).

• North Carolina’s once-promising season will unravel under the weight of an academic scandal.

• The Pacific 10 will retain the firm of Richter and Associates to help divide the future 12-team league into divisions on either side of a major fault line: San Andreas “East” and San Andreas “West.”

And it will all, ultimately, be Texas’ fault.

• Alabama won’t repeat as national champion, and the reason is: it’s hard. No school in the BCS era has won consecutive BCS titles. The last school to do it was Nebraska in the mid-1990s.

• Kansas University quarterback Kale Pick’s first pass of the season will be intercepted.

• Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor will win the Heisman Trophy, but Oregon State’s Jacquizz Rodgers will have deserved it.