Shame is one of the most prevalent underpinnings to our emotional struggles. In trying to understand shame, it is helpful to first understand the difference between guilt and shame.

Whenever we are doing something against our morals or values, we will experience guilt. Guilt does not diminish one’s identity or sense of self-worth. A person experiencing guilt might say, “I made a mistake, and I am sorry.”

Shame, on the other hand, is experienced more as I AM a mistake, I am inadequate, I am bad. People who have shamed-based experiences often think, “If people really got to know me, they would see how bad I really am.” Shame is rooted in our emotional body and be reflected in our core beliefs like “I should never make mistakes” or “If people are angry with me it means I am bad.” Or “it is my fault if others in my life aren’t happy.”

Shame-based feelings lead to lack of trust in self or others, fear of rejection, excessive feelings of vulnerability, sense of helplessness and insecurity. Our experience of shame varies in intensity depending on our conditioning from early life experience.

Controlling and critical parents can induce shame in a child; however, it may not be as pervasive as in someone who has endured significant abuse.

There can be many life situations where shame pops up and surprises us, such as in relationship difficulties, when we experience financial struggles, when a boss is critical and even with health problems. To deal with feelings of shame, many will numb or sedate with behaviors like overexercising, overeating, alcohol abuse or even people pleasing. Because shame may trigger defensiveness manifesting in misdirected anger or other blaming, forgiveness of self and others may be an important part of healing.

Working with a therapist or exploring some books regarding shame may help you get on a path of healing. Shame can be a tough conditioning pattern to navigate, and various experts approach healing shame in different ways. The essence of healing is to enable yourself to avoid engaging the past energy that leads to shame-based reactivity and instead respond to present situations with only the present moment’s information to guide you.

“Healing The Shame That Binds You,” a book by John Bradshaw, focuses on healing through inner child work.

There are 12-step programs that take a spiritual approach to healing shame. Michael Brown wrote “The Presence Process,” a guide to help integrate shame-based emotions from our conditioning and learn to stay in the present.

Most all healing programs have at their core a goal of managing, diminishing and/or integrating past information and energy to effectively make room for the present. Finding a pathway to healing shame is well worth the effort as it is a journey toward greater peace within and improved relationships with yourself and others.