Archive for Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Tiger G-rated again

April 6, 2010

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When he wasn’t repeatedly using a phrase that just eats my lunch, “going forward,” Tiger Woods said Monday he understands the way news is covered is different these days with the 24/7 news cycle.

The past few months, it’s been 24/7 Tiger coverage, much of it centered on his busy happenings between the sheets, yet nobody has asked the obvious question: How does such a robotic talker, such a boring guy, get so much action with the ladies?

So entertaining with a golf club in his hands, Tiger is so drab talking into a microphone, which makes his anticipated return to the golf course Thursday in the first round of the Masters a welcome trip back in time. The golf course is his sanctuary from embarrassing revelations, and it’s our sanctuary from his sex life.

Not that Tiger’s troubles didn’t inject humor into our lives from comedic geniuses such as the writers of “South Park” and the aptly named King of All Media, Howard Stern, who alone makes a subscription to Sirius Satellite Radio worthwhile.

A recent “South Park” episode, I’m told, featured various celebrities in a sex rehab class. The topic taught: how not to get caught cheating.

Howard spent part of his day interviewing an ex-gal pal of Tiger’s, porn star Joslyn James. She said Tiger called her Veronica, and that’s not all she said. Speaking from his uncensored heart, Howard called her at various times “special,” “an angel,” and “what a woman” during the steamy interview that included recollections of her showers with Tiger.

Question: If Tiger truly is a sex addict, could he have stopped himself from having an affair with the actress whose films tend not to be watched all the way to the end if he knew Ms. James one day would detail on the “Howard Stern Show” his prowess in bed and kinky tendencies?

Tiger sounds as if he truly wants to change the world by becoming a good role model. Here’s where he should start: hold a news conference to announce he never again will use the phrase “going forward.”

It never changes a sentence. For example, consider a couple of times Tiger used it twice in the same sentence.

“Going forward, I need to be a better man going forward than I was before,” he said.

And: “Going forward, hopefully I can prove to the other companies going forward that I am a worthy investment, can help their company, help their company grow and represent them well.”

Read those sentences without “going forward.” See. Just fine without it. Join the boycott. And join the world in watching the Masters on television.

One guy who deserves a treat for being the most entertaining athlete in Lawrence the past few years won’t have to watch it on TV. Todd Reesing, who went to school with two-time Masters champion (1984, 1995) Ben Crenshaw’s daughter Katherine, used his connections to get a pass to Sunday’s final round.

“It would be kind of cool to see Tiger in the run for it at the end,” Reesing said. “I’m sure everyone wants that to happen. That would make the buzz around there so great.”

Not unlike the buzz Reesing generated at Memorial Stadium, where he changed a culture as strikingly as Tiger wants to change his life.

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