Archive for Friday, September 25, 2009

Net Worth: Site proves plenty of people should rethink their ink

September 25, 2009


On the street

Do you have any tattoos that you regret getting?

No, I have two. I got them for good reasons, and they’re still good reasons.

More responses

I am proud of the fact I have no tattoos.

I often think back to what would have happened if I’d gained some ink during any of the various stages of my life.

High school would have likely left me marked with the logo of the band Rush or a “Clockwork Orange” poster.

College could have stuck me sporting a Jayhawk mascot. Worse, I might have gotten a Kansas City Royals emblem.

The 1990s — my wife’s name?

The 2000s — Angelina Jolie’s name?

Safe to say I have few regrets about my non-tattooed agenda. Add in the fact that I have no piercings — never even got an earring in the ’80s — so I possess a corpse that should be mighty hard to identify.

To really hammer home the wisdom of a lifetime ban from body modifications, all I have to do is take a look at Ugliest Tattoos.

Dubbed “A Gallery of Regrets,” the site isn’t just a collection of poorly rendered work or garish images. No, these are monumentally catastrophic junk piles.

“The butterfly tramp stamps, NASCAR emblems and ‘Star Trek’ commemorative plate-style back pieces that walk this earth are an assault on the eyes and an affront to all who encounter them,” justifies the site, which launched in May.

Look no further than this week’s lead tat that features the late David Carradine on some poor freak’s appendage. Only this has the actor’s head on the body of a grasshopper — which was his character’s nickname on the TV series “Kung Fu.” And, in reference to his recent death allegedly by auto-erotic asphyxiation, Carradine is also depicted with a rope around his neck and genitals.

The tattoo seems equal parts tasteless AND reverential.

Want more? Ah, so many to choose from.

How about one showing a dolphin ... sitting in a recliner ... smoking a bong ... with smoke coming out his blow hole.

You know how I can tell it’s a dolphin and not a porpoise? The shape of the dorsal fin, silly.

Other winners include a leg tattoo of a possessed Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.” (If this dude ever gets a really bad knee injury, then he could simulate the head-spinning scene.) A thigh tattoo of Judge Judy with the words “Only Judy can judge me.” There’s even one of that “Chocolate Rain” guy with the tagline “I move away from the mic to breath in.”

Who says Internet fame is fleeting?

On the truly inexplicable side, check out the dude who flaunts a cartoon hamburger with eyes and tennis shoes on his right foot, and a similarly drawn hot dog on his left. A word balloon on the burger says “No pickles!” The dog says “No ketchup!”

When the feet are placed together the two foods give each other high-fives.

No pickles. No ketchup. No class. No clue.

— Entertainment editor Jon Niccum explores facets of pop culture that have established a unique niche on the Internet in Net Worth. He can be reached at 832-7178.


Tom McCune 8 years, 8 months ago

"...The child is amoral. To our eyes, the Papuan is too. The Papuan kills his enemies and eats them. He is not a criminal. But when modern man kills someone and eats him he is either a criminal or a degenerate. The Papuan tattoos his skin, his boat, his paddles, in short everything he can lay hands on. He is not a criminal. The modern man who tattoos himself is either a criminal or a degenerate. There are prisons in which eighty per cent of the inmates show tattoos. The tattooed who are not in prison are latent criminals or degenerate aristocrats. If someone who is tattooed dies at liberty, it means he has died a few years before committing a murder. ...."

"Ornament and Crime," Adolf Loos, 1909

beatrice 8 years, 8 months ago

OMG! that website is funny! I'm not a fan of tattoos and most just look like bad illustration art. I also find the mass appeal to be an "individual" hysterical. Those who invest in laser removal now will make a fortune in the future.

Katara 8 years, 8 months ago

It is sad when LJW has to steal links from for their news articles. This was done a couple of days ago.

Bad form LJW.

notajayhawk 8 years, 8 months ago

"I often think back to what would have happened if I’d gained some ink during any of the various stages of my life."

When I was in high school, I wore tinted glasses (it was the 70's). I got so tired of people asking what I looked like without them, I thought of having an identical pair tattooed around my eyes. Then, when people asked what I looked like without glasses on, I could whisk them off and say "Oh, about the same."

feeble 8 years, 8 months ago

Perhaps next we can get stories on Fail Blog or icanhascheezburger?

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