Whereas the country is tumbling in a catastrophic crisis, whereas people are dying like flies in the streets and the economy has crashed and the sky is about to fall down utterly in our laps, whereas universal health care is a right and a hallmark of civilization, whereas we need to “get something done” before the next congressional recess and nap time and whereas haste is of the essence and the time for thoughtful deliberation is past, herewith follows abridged circumlocutions and subterfuges from S.CON.RES.000, Sponsor Sen. Bogus, provisionally entitled Some-Kind-of-Health-Care Bill. Regulations apply to all citizens — except for elected politicians and members of public service unions, who will retain gold-plated coverage and privileges unavailable to ordinary Americans, hereinafter referred to as the “Little People.”
Section I. Mandatory Free Choice Health Insurance. All Americans are hereby required to purchase health insurance according to specifications deemed best for them by their benign and omniscient government. Those who fail to comply will be fined. Those who can’t afford insurance will be subsidized, premiums to be paid by the Rats in the Barn, also known as “the Taxpayers.”
Subsection A. If you like the insurance you have, you can keep it. Fine. It’s a free country. Go ahead, gum up the works by thinking only of yourself. Just remember, you will pay. You will be ostracized, vilified, and forced to sit in the cheap seats at sporting events. (See Afterthought 4,934, Retributions and Public Humiliations).
Section II. Preservation of the Status Quo. Notwithstanding anything herein to the contrary, no proposed change specified by Some-Kind-of-Health-Care Bill will in any way alter or undermine the prerogatives of Special Interests or affect the equilibrium of the status quo, according to the provisions of the Anti-Boat Rocking Act.
Subsection A: Tort Reform. Whereas malpractice insurance contributes to skyrocketing health care costs, lawyers are requested to please, please be reasonable and limit their pursuit of frivolous lawsuits against doctors. Addendum: Whereas the lawyers’ lobby represents a significant source of campaign funds, lawyers shall receive compensation equal to fees forfeited by such self-restraint.
Subsection B: Insurance Reform. Private insurance companies (henceforth officially designated “Greedy,” “Villainous,” and “Rapacious”) will join U.S. Pharmaceutical, U.S. Auto, U.S. Bank and Financial, U.S. Footwear and Bagel and other businesses protected by the Federal Corporate Welfare Umbrella. Greedy and Villainous insurance companies will provide coverage for those with pre-existing conditions, including terminal illnesses and those diagnosed with de facto moribundity. Any loss of obscene profits will be repaid by the windfall from Mandatory Coverage of the Uninsured.
Subsection C: Agricultural Reform and Obesity Option. In order to protect the endangered agricultural oligopoly and encourage overproduction, subsidies for grains that can be converted into high fructose syrups and junk food stuffs will be increased.
Lower insurance rates for those who lead healthy lives are prohibited. (That would be a form of discrimination against people who can’t control their appetites.) Those who elect the Obesity Option are guaranteed the right to overeat. The extra cost of their health care will be born by those who practice moderation and take responsibility for their lives.
Full Employment Act: Jobless citizens are hereby offered employment as fact checkers, file keepers and compliance overseers at the offices of the newly formed Universal Health Care Enforcement Board. Employees will qualify for lifetime tenure after their first hour on the job. Benefits to include taxpayer-funded pensions and protection against firing due to incompetence. Two months paid vacation, six weeks spa leave.
Provision 1. No New Taxes. Government initiatives are for the good of the people. Money required to fund them are not “taxes,” but “benefits.” To help pay for this bill, fees will be assessed on everything remotely connected to medicine and will be designated “contributions.” Increased costs will be passed on to the “Little People” or paid for by eliminating services. Expensive surgeries and therapies will be replaced by painkillers, placebos, nostrums and various forms of Alternative Medicine. (See Article 546, Witchdoctors, Sorcerers and Exorcists.) Anyway, money is no object, since the government can print up a trillion new dollars in a matter of hours.
Doctors are responsible for familiarizing themselves with Federal Guidelines for applications of Band Aids, proper use of tongue depressors, etc. A government inspector will be present to monitor all meetings between doctors and patients. Pitfalls and inconsistencies of this and other bills have been classified as “Top Secret” or obfuscated to frustrate second-guessing by nosy trouble-makers.
Bean counters are advised to address concerns to the Department of Unintended Consequences, temporarily closed due to inadequate funding. As a cost-saving measure and to prevent the sowing of more factually accurate misinformation about the effects of this bill on the Federal Deficit, it is recommend that the Congressional Budget Office be shut down or ignored.
Have a nice day — or else.