LJWorld.com

Washington — I’m a hovering parent, especially when it comes to the money my children get and spend.

My offspring are still young. My oldest is 14. But I am constantly giving her advice about the right way to handle money. Once after a lengthy discussion, with much eye-rolling from her, I said: “It’s my full-time job to make sure you are a good steward of your money.”

She replied: “Can you make it your part-time job?”

I thought about this after a rather frustrated note during an online discussion. The chat participant wondered at what point should parents back out of the financial business of their children. It’s a good question that I’m sure is coming up as young adults move back home after a lost job, divorce, credit card debts or student loans.

When does concern over your adult child’s money woes cross the line into oppressive hovering? Let’s look at the situation from the woman who wrote to me.

“My parents and I are at an impasse,” she said. “After graduating college, I had minor credit card debt. I asked to move into my parents’ home after living on my own for a while to get rid of the debt, and to get other finances in order.”

I don’t have a problem with adults returning home to try and get their financial lives in order. But going back home didn’t solve the woman’s underlying problem.

“My debt got bigger,” she wrote. “My parents found out about my debt and have been yelling at me about it. The problem is my parents are still ordering me around about my money. I do not ask for parental loans at all. I have a rainy-day fund. I’m finally doing everything right and they are still yelling at me. As a parent, I thought you might be able to enlighten me on why my parents feel they can tell a 30-year-old woman how to spend her money.”

I’m sorry to tell her, but the moment she moved back home, she opened that door to her financial life. Her parents do have a right to know, especially if she isn’t paying rent, buying food or helping with utilities.

The woman said her parents didn’t know how much she had in savings and checking accounts. They didn’t know her current debt amount. They didn’t know she finally changed and stopped using credit and is now paying only with cash.

“At this point I can’t even buy a cheeseburger without being yelled at,” she said.

It’s not appropriate or usually effective to yell at a grown person. But maybe her parents feel guilty that they didn’t teach her how to manage her money. Perhaps it’s because they care or are worried she may never get back out there on her own. Maybe they are frustrated because they haven’t seen any financial progress.

So she should tell them what she has been doing to straighten things out. Pull out the bank statements since moving back home and let the parents see that she is balancing her checkbook. Show them that she is no longer relying on debt to live beyond her means. Let them see that she is building up an emergency fund, even while she is paying down her debts.

Let them look at her budget, which she most certainly should have. Show them her debt payoff plan. And, update them every time she makes a significant dent in that debt.

She should be transparent, because by sharing the information with her parents, she may win back their respect and hopefully put a stop to the yelling and hovering.

Should this be their business? Yes, I think the financial well-being of your children should always be your business, whether they are living with you or on their own. I know I’ll be advising my children about financial issues even when it moves from my full-time to part-time job.