LJWorld.com

I woke up Tuesday morning contemplating a boycott of Lovie Smith. This concerned me because it seemed to suggest I had just dreamed of the dull Bears coach, which would mean that even my dreams put me to sleep. And I’m confused enough as it is.

Anyway, the boycott: My thought was that until Smith said something both interesting and truthful (early bet: 2018), no utterances of his would show up in this column space.

How much better the world would be! How much more peaceful! That vein on your neck would stop pulsating!

No longer would we have to stand by as Smith blinked impassively at a scattering of bird droppings and then proclaimed it impressionistic art.

On Monday, having analyzed the video of his team’s woeful offensive performance against Cleveland, Lovie’s search party found a way to put the game in the most gracious terms. You were left to wonder whether he’s teaching football or Intro to Positive Self-Esteem.

“I feel good about what we’re doing offensively,” he told reporters. “There are some things we need to do a little bit better, which we’ll do and go from there.”

Since he arrived here in 2004, “and we’ll go from there” has been Smith’s stock way of saying, “Not only have I not answered you honestly, but now I’m dismissing your question and moving on to the next question that I’ll avoid.”

So why put ourselves through this? Why take it anymore?

As a public service, I pondered the possibility of never quoting the Lovester. I would take a stand against us being played for fools. I would put an end to his maddening platitudes. I would rid Chicago of the strain of repetitive eye rolling.

No longer would we have to ask ourselves, “How stupid does he think we are?”

If the purpose is to infuriate otherwise clear-thinking people, then Smith is first-team All-Pro. More from him on the offense:

“Of course we have tried to do some things differently. When things don’t work, you try to do some different things. It’s a process like it is with everything else. I’m pleased with us continuing to get down in the red zone where we are talking about the red zone.”

Get it? Don’t focus on the Bears’ problems in the red zone, where they scored touchdowns only twice in seven tries Sunday; concentrate on the achievement of just getting into the red zone. See? We’re all winners! Now, which team mom is supposed to hand out the juice boxes this week? The patronizing quote made me realize that ignoring him would only enable him.

What Smith views as noble looks more like a refusal to accept or distribute responsibility. And if the players see this from their head coach, why should they ever worry about repercussions?

It occurred to me that if I make my column a Lovie-free zone, I am making things easier for him. The fewer people who read his quotes, the fewer who will realize a shell of a coach is running the Bears.

As much as it pains me to listen to or read his statements, there’s the public good to consider. That’s me, always thinking of you.

Anyway, how much fun would life be without parsing Smith’s nonsense? So we won’t stop. We’ll seek the truth.

And we’ll go from there.