Dear Dr. Wes and Kelly: Our 13-year-old son is exhibiting an emotional pattern of rejecting friends at home and at school. He has a victim mentality about how people don’t like him, but my husband and I have been observing repeatedly how he sabotages friendship. Any thoughts?

Wes: To know if one is a victim or offender in situations like this requires one to accurately perceive reality, accurately convey that to someone else and then accurately respond to it. That’s an awful lot of accuracy for any 13-year-old boy, and it may be too much for your son. At the moderate to severe level these situations tend to involve developmental delays that become more apparent during major transitions, like entering junior high. You need to put on your detective cap and look for clues. When did you first start noticing this pattern? Were there signs of it early in life, or did it change as he went through puberty?? Did he always seem to have problems perceiving things the way others did, including TV or movies, the behavior of other kids, instructions you or a teacher gave him, etc.? Did your son ever really “get” other kids? Did they “get” him? Did he always have a chip on the shoulder? Did he make friends or mostly stick with the old crowd? Has that old crowd changed in interests, behavior or attitude? Is he more of an introverted person by nature? In adolescence even the introverted people tend to shift toward extroversion, and sometimes that’s a difficult transition. Ask yourself if there’s any secondary gain from any of this — like gaining more involvement from you or manipulating his friends. How does his sabotaging impact the other person’s behavior — do they try to pull him in just cut him off? Does he actually realize in advance that he’s likely to lose the friend, or does he expect unwavering tolerance? Does losing a friend worry him, or is he callous to the losses? This gives you an outline for understanding how your son is interacting with the world from his side of the fence.

Don’t count this as a 400-word workshop on teen diagnosis, but what you’re trying to sort out here is whether your son’s behavior is driven by anxiety, inattention or perceptual inaccuracies. These tend to reveal themselves in the form of cognitive distortions — things he believes that are not aligned with accepted reality. So if he’s constantly obsessing on what others are thinking of him, he’ll tend toward the anxious spectrum. If he impulsively reacts to other people’s behavior without adequate reflection, that’s an inattentive response, and if he persistently misstates what they do or say, then that is a perceptual deficit.

If you can get a read on this, kindly invite him to let you coach him on how to make things come out better. The anxious people respond best to these suggestions because they just care so much. The inattentive people are resistant because they don’t care enough. Those with perceptual problems really don’t understand what you’re talking about and may be offended that you’d even offer. If you’re persistent you may be able to point out more effective ways for your son to respond. If he refuses to buy-in after a few weeks of this, it may be time to head to a therapist who can help you make the link between you and your son, allowing him to take direction and modify his behavior. This is all more difficult than I imply, but it will at least get you started in the right direction.

Kelly: Every parent has this plan of how their child will be when they grow up. Once they actually get there, it’s surprising to see how far they’ve strayed from your idealized life. It’s natural for every parent to want their children to live normal lives with normal friends, and a normal school life. But this picture-perfect scenario can easily be shattered by certain behavioral problems.

It is unfortunate that your son has been demonstrating sabotaging behavior. If this has been a consistent problem, then that’s a definite red flag. Although I don’t know your son’s complete history, it’s highly unlikely that he developed this out of the blue. Have there been any other problems in school? Has he demonstrated any other unusual demeanor? The fact that he has this victim mentality that people don’t like him suggests deeper roots, like low self-esteem, leading him toward becoming a very negative individual. It is likely that if you don’t stem his behavioral patterns at this point, he will grow up continuing down this path. But during this discussion be sure to keep an open mind.

First, I suggest that you sit down and talk to your son. Perhaps he really does see things differently then you. Next, I would suggest going to the school. Talk to his teachers, principal, counselors, etc. If they see this same pattern, perhaps set up an appointment with the school counselor and your child. Sometimes it is easier for children to talk to others about their problems rather than talking to their parents.

But it is important to not be too pushy in this delicate situation. If you open his life up for discussion, he may believe that you, too, are against him, furthering his victim complex.

— Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Kelly Kelin is a senior at Free State High School. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.