Wes: When working with teenagers, I often propose that most relationships through the mid-20s are really just practice for the longer-term loves that lie ahead.

I’d never diminish the importance of those experiences — quite the opposite. They form the foundation for how emerging adults choose to treat themselves and their partners over a lifetime of love. In clients, I can often trace the roots of dysfunctional sexual and romantic habits all the way back to junior high and high school. There’s an old saying, “You go from where you start.” And nowhere is this truer than in romance.

It follows that if young people start off in emotionally or physically abusive relationships, they may habituate to those same circumstances over time. In other words, if what you practice is accepting the mistreatment of others, then that is what you will become good at. And sadly, it doesn’t take much for that pattern to take hold — and a lot to disrupt it.

I think most readers understand that if a son or daughter comes home with a black eye or bruised arms from a partner, that’s abuse, and it should be pursued as a domestic battery complaint. What’s less obvious and therefore more insidious is emotional damage inflicted between teenage partners. Parents really need to come to understand their teenagers’ dating practices, beliefs and struggles simply to look out for their interests. Many are having a hard time — whether they recognize it or not — some as victims, some as offenders, and some as a terrible mix of both.

I could go on endlessly about this topic, but I’ll instead dwell only on the most recent installment of this long-standing issue. It’s what I call the obsessed breakup. It used to be that teenagers broke up, hated each other and moved on to other partners while the world kept spinning. Now it seems they need as much remedial work on how to end a relationship as starting one. A major culprit is the old adage that we can “still be friends.” That used to be a nice way to say “kiss off.” Now teens really seem to mean it, leaving many to move back and forth between friend and lover in an indescribably chaotic and intense pattern that maximizes jealousy, hurt feelings and a general stuckness.

Routinely I hear about Bobbi Sue and Billy Joe breaking up, except that Billy Joe threatens to “kick the rear” (shall we say) of any guy who wants to be with Bobbi Sue even if HE did the breaking up. Sometimes these threats are quite serious. The same ethos goes for girls, too. Bobbi Sue is just as prone to send “her girls” after Billy Joe’s new girl. And sometimes the threats extend directly to the “former” partner.

For kids, my advice is to STOP THE MADNESS. While dating at this age is important, NOTHING is this important. Nobody needs to be obsessed with anyone, especially at 16. Nothing in your life constitutes the end of the world, but instead just the beginning. So chill out. All this intensity and obsession may seem very romantic in the movies, but in real life it has another name: stalking. My advice for parents is to understand that young people may not have this all figured out and at times you may have to intercede. While ill-considered moves beg the dangers of a Romeo and Juliet scenario, the presence of an abusive relationship is one of the few good reasons to take that risk.

Kelly: I strongly believe that the seriousness of relationships in high schools tends to be overrated. Teens too often throw around the “L” word to every boyfriend/girlfriend they come in contact with, without really recognizing its value and true meaning. Teens may believe their relationship will last forever with a fairy tale ending. But chances of that actually happening are unlikely. Yes, I may not be much of a romantic, but it’s time to wake up and be realistic about things.

When teens do find themselves involved in relationships, they can quickly go sour. Most likely, teens in abusive relationships are too deluded to acknowledge obvious warning signs. They may find themselves dependent personality types, basing their own value of themselves on what others perceive. The abuser in the relationship will take advantage of this. Those in the position of such “power” tend to be manipulative, controlling and emotionally or physically abusive.

As a parent, it may be hard to recognize whether this is happening to your child. However, several signs may become apparent. There may be changes in your child’s mood and behavior, such as withdrawal from the family. The partner may have anger issues, show signs of too much jealousy or blame every problem on your child. It may even be possible that your child is oblivious to this problem. When you talk to your child about your suspicions about the relationship, be sure to remain open to his or her views. And if you become aware of any abuse, do not be afraid to take immediate action.

If you’re a teen who finds yourself in this situation, please do not hesitate to re-evaluate the relationship. Never should you formulate an opinion of yourself based on how others perceive you. If you recognize any harmful or abusive problems in the relationship, you should strongly consider ending it. Breaking up with the partner won’t be the end of the world. Instead, it could be the mark of a new beginning.

Next week: More relationships issues. Should I keep my relationship going long distance?

— Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Kelly Kelin is a senior at Free State High School. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.