Dear Dr. Wes and Kelly: Our 15-year-old, ninth-grade daughter is preparing to not join her peers in high school due to us living in a different attendance zone than all her friends. She is being very rejecting of us and yesterday told us she hated us and that she is not grateful for anything. Of course, we don’t feel good at all when we hear such things, but we also know enough about how teenagers work to not take it personally. Could she be processing her feelings about peers and what’s going on?

Kelly: The transition from junior high to high school can be difficult enough, especially when your friends are attending a different high school. Now, add in the factor of being the underclassman and not having any clue about what you’re getting yourself into. Your daughter is about to begin an important step in her life. She’s anxious and intimidated. Even through the yelling and fighting, realize you’re only trying to do what is best for your daughter.

She may be directing her mixed feelings at you, but it’s highly likely that by the time she has spent a whole semester at her new high school, she will have changed her mind. Even through her anger and tears, try to be supportive every step of the way.

High school is a time for teenagers to really find themselves. They are given the ability to develop themselves as individuals. If she does attend a different high school than her friends, I recommend keeping her busy with after-school activities. Make sure they are activities she enjoys. You could even go as far as to take some sort of classes together. Create a stronger bond between the both of you. Let her know you’re there for her. By doing so, it will open up opportunities to meet new people and find her niche within high school life.

Also, I suggest you continue to support her relationships with her old friends. Just because she is going to a different school doesn’t mean she can’t still spend time with them. Encourage her to continue hang out with them. Set up fun things for them to do. Help her maintain a healthy balance between her past and present.

I know you’re trying your best, but your daughter isn’t going to stay mad at you forever. When a child says, “I hate you.” It is typically because they are being selfish and wanting their way. Your daughter may not see both sides of the argument. Just continue to be there for her.

Wes: Kelly offers some wise words. We should help our kids adapt to new situations and challenges. However, after 10 years of practice in Lawrence, I’ve found that the transition your daughter faces is not so easily made.

In the beginning, there was Lawrence High School. And the school district looked upon it and said, “It is large.” In fact, it was the largest school in the state — remarkable considering it included only three grades. Even so, there was a lot of controversy surrounding the building of a new high school, typically involving dominance of school teams in state competition. So the district proposed an idea that has worked well in other communities. The new high school would be for freshmen and sophomores, and LHS would be for juniors and seniors, leaving the junior highs for seventh- and eighth-graders. Everyone would matriculate together after eighth grade. But voters refused the bond to build this new school, later opting to build Free State and to split the high schools along the existing grade designations.

There have been many benefits to this. With schools half as large, twice as many kids get to be in Encore, Showtime, football, basketball, marching band, etc. But the downside has been the problem your daughter faces. In many communities the high schools are fed by a specific set of junior highs, each of which is fed by a specific set of elementary schools. Thus everyone matriculates together. Many districts are fairly lax about relocations, so a child who moves to another attendance zone can continue to matriculate with the original peer group.

Most preteens enter seventh grade with an established circle of grade school friends. Severing those relationships by attending a different junior high exponentially multiplies the inherent struggle of those early teen years. Usually those relationships will ebb and flow, and most teens will leave junior high with a modified or perhaps completely different social circle than when they went in. But without that initial supportive base, it’s very difficult to enlarge and change one’s support system. By the time young people reach sophomore year, they’ve solidified that core social circle. Once again, severance brings on challenges that at best compete with the other tasks of high school. At worst, I still meet adults in their 20s and 30s who recount horror stories of attending a new school at one of these two transition points. It may seem melodramatic, but many feel they’ve never recovered.

Obviously many kids make the move just as Kelly suggests — and come out fine. However, It’s easy for us as adults to imagine that our schools are open and welcoming places where kids can actively seek out new relationships and invite others to join existing peer groups. We can also imagine that by 10th grade, young people have evolved social skills and wisdom sufficient to introduce themselves into those groups and to extend themselves into new and challenging situations. But I rarely see this rosy scenario come to fruition and have repeatedly seen it turn out badly. That’s what college is for — pushing kids to restart their entire social network any time before that is a gamble.

I recommend requesting a transfer from the district, and I encourage this or any school district to be empathic and accepting about these matters. I find that there are almost equal numbers of kids who want to go from LHS to FSHS as there are in reverse. Thus both schools could easily absorb the other’s transfers. I’ve seen that work out beautifully on many occasions, and I bet it would for your daughter as well.

— Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Kelly Kelin is a senior at Free State High School. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.