Dear Dr. Wes & Kelly: Our daughter is a sophomore this fall. She is very tight-lipped to me, her mother, about anything regarding boys. Do you see this as a problem, or is it to be expected at this age?

Wes: This depends a lot on how you’ve developed your conversations on this topic with your daughter over the years. As we’ve said many times in this column, discussions of human relationships and sexuality have to be being early on. That tends to pay off when it counts. As you are aware, that time for your daughter is now.

Let’s assume for this column that you have tried to foster a good working conversation and yet your daughter still seems distant. One obstacle could be an excess of enthusiasm on your part. Perhaps you’ve done such a good job of pursuing that dialogue that your daughter just wishes you’d back off. Some kids see this as the parent trying to relive the joys of adolescence vicariously through them. Another possibility is that your daughter feels a lack of confidence in herself and her prospects. The more you bring up the subject, the more she’ll feel like you’re pointing out her inadequacies. This is tantamount to having a kid who feels she isn’t musically talented being encouraged or even pressured to join every choir in town. It actually stifles the interest in music. It might instead by helpful to encourage your daughter’s other interests while continuing to be a supportive listener when the time is right.

If your daughter is actually involved with someone and doesn’t want to tell you about it, then I think you have to carefully determine why that is. Most kids either openly or secretly want their parents to support their dating life — even as they may tempt our ridicule by their choice of partners. If that’s not the case, you probably need to ask her if you’re doing something that offends her or might offend her dating partners. As parents, we’re not always good at estimating how our teenagers see us. Perhaps you’re saying things that she takes as discouraging, or she fears you’ll unfairly judge her or her choices.

Finally, beyond these common reasons, it is also possible that your daughter leans toward an anxious personality style. I’m seeing this more and more as our kids get pressed further to the edge by our hypermanic world. If she tends to be a high achiever, or at least very driven in her schoolwork, social life, extracurriculars, career interests, etc., she may also be a bit more high-strung than her peers. These always seem like the ideal kids — conscientious ones who we’d all like to have. But underneath, they are painfully self-conscious and excessively worried, even by teen standards, about what others think and how they will be viewed. If that describes your daughter, then her lack of disclosure may be due to a well-hidden anxiety. If that’s the case, focus all your energies on being supportive and encouraging and very little on pushing and demanding. That works for less cautious kids, but for the anxious ones it will always backfire.

Kelly: Through these awkward transitions from child to adult you may notice your daughter’s demeanor changes drastically. And as much as you want to help her through this transition, in the end you may find it better to show support for your daughter but allow her to blossom on her own terms.

Your daughter will soon be embarking on the sporadic rollercoaster ride we call life. During this journey, not only is she changing physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. She’ll soon be experiencing new things, some of which you will know nothing about.

Your daughter’s secrecy regarding boys is nothing but normal, especially for teenage girls. Yes, there are some girls who have no problem disclosing information to their parents regarding their love lives. However, others tend to be a little more modest. Your daughter is more likely to be modest about boys rather than completely secretive.

Take a look at this situation from her perspective. When you were her age, were you outspoken in regard to boyfriends? Another possibility could be that your daughter may simply not be as boy crazy as many of the girls her age are. Maybe she just hasn’t found the right boy to introduce you to.

I know it’s only natural for you to be concerned about your daughter, but she is only a sophomore in high school. If you want her to open up to you, just give her time to do so. As much as you want to be involved in her life, the more you push, the more she may continue to shut you out. Instead, show her support and that you still have interest in her life, just from a greater distance. Let her know if any problems or questions do come about, that you are there with the answers.

Her tight lip will only become a problem if you notice it affecting her negatively. If she becomes completely aloof about her life, then that raises some concern. Until then, continue to ride this roller coaster. In the end, she will appreciate it.

— Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Kelly Kelin is a senior at Free State High School. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.