Mind Matters: Tips move through 5 stages of grief

Next stop

Looking for fun things to do when you travel? Check out a new Web site called nextstop.com where users offer up ideas for interesting places and activities, from obscure cafes to major landmarks.

Some nextstop members recommend things they encounter in their travels, while others are locals suggesting favorite places from their hometowns.

Many users create mini-guides with evocative titles such as “Man Up Texas BBQ: Eating our way through Texas’ BBQ joints” and “I miss Pasadena, won’t you go there for me?”

You can browse recommendations on a map, by city, by topic or keyword, or by following a member of the Web site whose posts you enjoy. The site also suggests other members with similar tastes and makes it easy to share posts on Facebook, Twitter and blogs.

— The Associated Press

Grief is not only experienced with the loss of a loved one but also can be experienced with loss of financial stability, loss of health for you or a significant other, loss of a pet, loss of a dream, moving to a new home or changing schools and graduating. In other words, change can trigger grief.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross worked with the terminally ill and observed five stages of grief.

Stage 1, denial: You may find yourself saying, “This can’t be happening to me.” Numbness is a normal reaction here.

Stage 2, anger: You might be saying, “Life is so unfair.” The anger may be directed toward a higher power, the deceased or doctors. Feelings of abandonment and the sense that life is unfair are common.

Stage 3, bargaining: You might be thinking, “If I am a better person, maybe this will all go away.” Focus is on chasing away the pain or avoiding the inevitable.

Stage 4, sadness: “This is so painful.” This is a time where depressive symptoms may temporarily occur. There can be low energy, a victim mentality, loss of appetite, deep feelings of emptiness and/or isolation.

Stage 5, acceptance: “The gratitude has finally conquered the loss,” writer Rita Mae Brown says. Grief is no longer in the foreground but has been integrated into your life experience.

Stages of grief are not to be seen as neat boxes in which to fit your emotions but rather waves of experience that may ebb and flow with varying intensity. Grief is as individualized as a fingerprint and varies according to personality, life experience, faith, coping mechanisms, support and the significance of the loss.

Thoughts to keep in mind while grieving:

• Don’t ignore the pain. “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey,” says poet and author Kenji Miyazawa. Avoid numbing yourself with alcohol, which will not help to suppress the feelings in the long run and can create new problems. Allow for the feelings of sadness or emptiness. These are NOT signs of weakness.

• Get support. This can be in the form of friends and family, a church, a bereavement group and/or a therapist. It can be helpful to tell your story of grief. Using other tools, such as journaling, can also offer a healthy outlet for expression.

• Don’t judge your process. If you don’t do a lot of crying, that doesn’t mean you still don’t feel pain. You may have a different way of expressing it.

• Be prepared for triggering events, such as an anniversary, birthdays or other holidays that may bring up waves of emotion. It’s OK and normal to have intense feelings resurface; it doesn’t mean you are going backward with your healing … it’s all part of the process.

• Seek assistance from a medical or mental health professional if you are having thoughts of suicide, intense guilt, or are unable to function at work or school, or pervasive feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.