Dear Dr. Wes & Sam: I’m a freshman in college. I can’t exactly live under my mother’s rules. I am planning on coming in town this holiday. I set up plans to “live” at one of my friend’s houses because she basically lives at her boyfriend’s and is never at her actual house. I wanted to run this idea by you and see what you thought and how I should approach my family with this. If I am living in my family’s house there are going to be a lot of fights about what I do and who I hang out with. That’s not what I want. I want to have a good Christmas and holidays but …

Samantha: I understand your desire for freedom over break. However, this time of change in your life is a lot harder for your parents than it is for you. There’s a hole in their lives that you used to fill. You’ve met new people and have a new life at college. Deciding not to live with them is a big choice, and your decision will be very upsetting to them. Make sure you’re prepared to accept that. You’ve come up with a good plan to avoid arguments, but if you don’t handle this issue carefully, you could end up with even more fights.

Plan carefully how you will broach this issue with your parents. It will be their first opportunity to see how you have grown up. Be firm. If you present this decision as being up for debate, it can only turn into an argument. At the same time, explain it in a way that respects their feelings. Explain that, while at college, you’ve led a pretty independent lifestyle, and it would be difficult to go back to living at home right now. Don’t say you will never stay with them again; just tell them that for this break, your plan is to stay with a friend. It’s not that you don’t enjoy spending time with them, you just need to have your own space, and this approach is the best way to avoid conflict so the holiday is peaceful and fun for the whole family.

Promise to come over to the house often, and invite each member of your family out for some alone time. Offer to spend the night on Christmas Eve. Whenever you’re there, focus on your family. Don’t bring friends over unless your family asks to meet them. Your time with your family will already be limited if you’re not living at home, so work on making every moment there count. Show you’ve grown up by helping out with things. Do the dishes, vacuum or offer to cook. Prove that you’re not ditching them to party with friends. You’ve just matured. Being together as a family this holiday will show them you still want to spend big holidays with them and be a part of the family, while setting a boundary for the rest of the break.

Be aware however, that if you expect your parents to help pay for your food or living expenses over the holiday or when you go back for college, they may assert input into your decision. If you do end up staying with your parents, make sure your actions demonstrate your maturity. Then the next time you want to do this you’ll meet with less resistance.

Wes: Welcome to adulthood. I bet you’re wondering what awaits you here. If not, now would be the time to consider what it really means to be a grown-up. For some reason our society does all it can to stretch adolescence way past its expiration date. This means that young adults hang on to the core task of youth — differentiating from mom and dad — longer than necessary. As Sam notes, this may have a lot to do with finances. Research tells us that most young people require some financial support from their families until age 25. As long as parents have some influence over the purse strings, there is a conflict of interest between the need to become your own person and their need to direct you where they think you should go.

Some of this is perfectly legit. Parents shouldn’t spend money on things that harm or don’t advance their adult child’s future. However, they should be incredibly careful how far they take this strategy. I’ve seen some pretty ridiculous attempts to manipulate young adults with money. The consequences can be years of resentment. In this case I would advise your parents to cover whatever expenses they would incur if you lived at home over break and let you find money for the rest. I would suggest you follow Samantha’s holiday plan and that your parents accept this as a normal part of growing up. In no case would I advise them to discontinue paying for school or reasonable college expenses just because you find holidays at home fraught with conflict.

That said, growing up and differentiating from your family involves something far greater than where you live and who pays the bill. It means considering the feelings of others. You can live in Bulgaria and be perfectly self-sufficient and if you do not consider the impact of your choices on your family and others, you will still be a child. If you do as Samantha suggests, then you will have accomplished another milestone in your life. That doesn’t mean your parents are ready to do their part to help the process along. It only means that you will have countered their major objection. If you let this situation turn into a battle of wills between you and your parents, then everyone will lose.

So the ball is in your court. Play the game wisely.

— Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Samantha Schwartz is a senior at Lawrence High School. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.