How to spot a nonparent:

• Invites you to a party that starts “around 10 p.m.-ish.”

• Seen at coffee shop in the morning with circles under eyes and smelling of alcohol.

• Leaves work to get away from the stress.

• Asks if you did anything fun this weekend.

How to spot a parent:

• Invites you to a party that starts “around 4:30 p.m.-ish.”

• Seen at coffee shop in the morning with circles under eyes but NOT smelling of alcohol.

• Goes to work to get away from the stress.

• Has a balled-up pair of dirty child’s socks in a Tupperware lid on their desk.

• Wears T-shirts embellished with mysterious crusty spots.

• i-Pod playlist includes “Wee-Pals Sing-Along-Songs” and “Hannah Montana’s Greatest Hits.”

• Purse doubles as a diaper bag and/or diaper bag doubles as their purse.

• Asks if you want the crusts cut off your sandwich.

• Offers to sell you 20 pounds of kettle corn in a collectible tin for $100.

• Has ever been too tired to make Easy-Mac.

• Absentmindedly hums or whistles a selection of tunes from “The Wiggles.”

• Has extracted something from another person’s nostril.

• Secretly prays basement will develop a sink-hole capable of devouring 200 plastic storage bins filled with toys.

• Can’t remember the last time they went on a date.

• Requires multiple sessions to watch one R-rated movie.

• Laughs maniacally or is at a complete loss for words when asked if they did anything fun this weekend.