Archive for Sunday, April 5, 2009

Here’s the skinny on our city’s claim to fame

April 5, 2009


According to the Internet, there must be a lot of skinny, wrinkleless women walking around Lawrence ... well, at least a couple of them. On successive days ads popped up on my computer monitor from two women who proudly announced they are average moms in Lawrence, Kan., who solved their respective problems of facial lines and weight gain.

OK, it could be that the woman who used two products to miraculously dissolve her wrinkles did so by gaining a ton of weight, and it also could be that the woman who lost a bunch of weight now has furrows in her face deep enough to grow corn. The ads don’t say, but I prefer to think that these two perfect women are just that, perfectly wrinkle- and fat-free. I keep looking for them in local grocery or department stores, and I’m sure I’ll know ‘em when I see ‘em because one will be stocking up on low-fat foods, and the other will be buying cute clothes in size 2.

I’m glad for them, but I wonder about the odds of two of our city’s fairer sex making such earth-shattering discoveries and then sharing them on the World Wide Web. Sure, it is possible they are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts, but I suspect there’s money in it for someone ... but who?

Is there a pied piper of fitness and beauty canvassing Lawrence for women who have achieved facial smoothness and physical sveltness and leading them down the path of 15-minute fame? Or perhaps I missed the flier announcing a seminar encouraging Lawrence women to market their amazing discoveries on the Internet. If so, it wouldn’t have helped, because I can’t think of anything I’ve done that other women would want to emulate. Who’d respond to an ad that proclaims “I can teach you how to fall off a Wii balance board without getting hurt!”? (Too bad I can’t say the same for the table and lamp.) Or an ad that promises responders they will “learn how to get that dream job that pays zip!”

Frankly, those are two of my best talents. Sister Bette recently told me that I would be a millionaire if I figured out how to get paid — instead of merely racking up volunteer hours — for the work I’m doing. And husband Ray has long claimed that I never saw a job which paid nothing that I didn’t like. I’m not alone. Friend Clenece says she panics if she doesn’t have a “do good” activity marked on her calendar, and friend Rob says that if his busy wife had spent half the time promoting her business that she gave gratis to civic and charitable organizations, they’d be filthy rich.

But is amassing piles of money the answer to a happy life, or is it an unlined face or skinny bod? Beats me, but it might be fun to find out. Perhaps the two Lawrence ladies who are sharing their long-sought-after perfection with Internet users who are still seeking that ideal will tell me. Surely there’s some money in it for them. I’m thinking that someday I’ll turn on my computer and find that one — or both — of them will be advertising: “I got rich by sharing my amazing discovery on the Internet. So can you!”

So far I haven’t seen any miraculous discoveries on the Internet from Lawrence guys. Why is that? Are guys more shy about exploiting their discoveries? Nah! I suspect that one day an ad will pop up on my monitor from a Lawrence guy pitching something. I’ve suggested to Ray that he might start thinking about some amazing discovery he can make and market. And I know just what he needs to invent, because if women obsess about wrinkles and weight, there’s one thing that men would spend a fortune to achieve: a full head of hair. I’ll write the ad for him: Average dad from Lawrence, Kan., discovers a cure for baldness!

— Marsha Henry Goff is a freelance writer in Lawrence whose latest book is “Human Nature Calls.”


bearded_gnome 9 years, 2 months ago

you know marsha, [whispering] most of us who don't live in the country, but live in lawrence, we all do look like that. but we engage in shape-shifting when we go out so we won't hurt your feelings. you see, besides having wrinkle-free faces and perfectly sculpted bodies, we have great empathy for those who are not as blessed as we!

and, at the back of the water treatment plant, there's a bunch of paintings of us, aging and fat in appearance, which age as time passes. [cue the Twilight Zone theme!]

bearded_gnome 9 years, 2 months ago

oh and the two braggarts you saw in the media, we're administering harsh justice to them. you won't hear from them again.

no, not ever again.

password 9 years, 2 months ago

the "person from lawrence, ks., weight-loss ad" that keeps popping up most often for me is a diet with acai berries. But then I've also heard they're dangerous for the body. Anybody know?

jonas_opines 9 years, 2 months ago

Machiavelli_mania (Anonymous) says…

"This City's claim to fame is alcohol consumption and the good fun that can be had while doing it.

Let's not pretend otherwise."

Disagreement. Our city's claim to faim is just one, it starts with a B, and ends with a Ball.

Kryptenx 9 years, 2 months ago

Oh, wow. Anytime a popup or an ad says someone is from Lawrence, KS, don't be fooled. The ad simply takes your IP to find out approximately where you're browsing from.

See for yourself:

Anytime I come across an ad like that, my bullsh*t flag immediately goes up. If they're not honest about where this person is from, they're not honest about how the product works either.

PatKirk 9 years, 2 months ago

Hey bearded gnome. Since this article seems to be about women, I assume you are one. So I'm afraid the beard might not enhance your perfect looks. And maybe that's why your wrinkles don't show. How much of your face does your beard cover? :-(

bearded_gnome 9 years, 2 months ago

pat, I was speaking of all of us who have colonized the Lawrence city limits. perfect women must have perfect men, of course. no, the beard does not hide a single wrinkle, no, the beard is part of the perfection.

Commenting has been disabled for this item.