‘Kid-sick’ parents unable to let go

‘Kid-sickness’ tips

Child and family experts say it’s completely normal to miss your kids when they go to camp. Here are a few tips for dealing with “kid-sickness”:

¢ Remember this is good for your kid. While camp is a time for fun, it’s also a growing-up experience. Bob Ditter, a child, adolescent and family therapist in Boston, says parents often comment to him how their children change at camp – in good ways. They learn to problem-solve and develop social skills. They often come home willing to take on more responsibility.

¢ Do your homework. Researching the camp – and understanding more about its staff and inner workings – will help you cope better. What’s the camp’s mission? What activities are planned? How do counselors handle such matters as homesickness and getting along? And what sort of medical staff is on hand? Take a tour beforehand, if you can.

¢ Keep communication upbeat. It’s fine to say “I miss you.” But when writing to your child, avoid saying things like, “The dog misses you, and the house is so empty.” Ask about activities at the camp and new friends. “If parents focus on the positive, I think it helps kids feel better about being there,” Ditter says.

¢ Discuss your “kid-sickness” with another adult. Talk to your spouse or a friend if you’re having a hard time having your kid away. Very likely, you’re not alone. Remind yourself why you sent your child to camp. Experts also say these separations are good preparation for the day your kids leave home for college or work.

¢ Forget the Internet webcam. Experts say you send the wrong message to your kids if you need to constantly monitor them. They need to know that you trust them to make good decisions. By stepping in, you also undermine the camp staff’s credibility. Bottom line: If you don’t trust the camp, don’t send your kid there.

Chicago ? Eve Pidgeon watched the large group of kids, many of them laughing and chatting excitedly as they boarded a bus for summer sleepaway camp last summer.

“They just couldn’t wait,” says Pidgeon, whose 8-year-old daughter Zoe was among the young campers.

Then Pidgeon looked around and noticed something else: “There were no children crying – just parents.”

These days, camp leaders and family counselors say it’s an increasingly common dynamic. It used to be the homesick kid begging to come home from camp. While that still happens, they’ve noticed that it’s often parents who have more trouble letting go.

They call it “kid-sickness,” a condition attributed in large part to today’s more involved style of parenting. Observers also say it’s only being exacerbated by our ability to be in constant contact by cell phone and computer, as well as many parents’ perception that the world is a more dangerous place.

For leaders at many camps, it’s meant that dealing with parents has become a huge part of their jobs.

“The time and energy camp directors put into preparing parents for camp is now equal to the time they prepare children for camp,” says Peg Smith, head of the American Camp Association, which works with about 2,600 camps nationwide.

Pidgeon readily admits she’s one of those parents.

Last summer, the single, working mother of two wiped away her own tears as Zoe left for 10 days at Camp Maas, about 40 miles northwest of their home in Grosse Pointe Park, Mich. This year, Zoe asked to go for three weeks and her mother said “yes,” reluctantly.

“It was nothing for our mothers to send us away for two months. We were their jobs 24 hours a day, so perhaps they needed a respite,” Pidgeon says. “They perhaps didn’t ache for their kids on a daily basis, as working parents do.”

Bob Ditter, a therapist who works with children, adolescents and families in Boston, has acted as a consultant to camps since the early 1980s. He says there’s something to be said for a parent who cares, but not to the point of becoming a “helicopter parent,” a term used for parents who constantly hover over their children, stepping in to monitor their choices and solve their problems, even into adult life.

“Parents love their kids a lot,” Ditter says. But they also need to let go sometimes. He is, for instance, absolutely opposed to the idea of Internet webcams that allow parents to monitor their children at camp.

“I think parents need to trust that all the good work they’ve done teaching their kids values and to stand up for themselves, it’s all there,” Ditter said.

Pidgeon has thought about that as she’s ironed name tags onto her daughter’s clothing. Zoe leaves for camp later this month.

As hard as it will be for her mom to let her go, Pidgeon remembers the more confident daughter who returned from camp last year – the one who declared that she’d like to watch less TV and read more (though Zoe now says she kind of regrets that statement).

“She came home a completely different kid, aware of herself in new ways and proud of herself for trying new things she might’ve been afraid to try before,” Pidgeon says.