Julia: For the past year, magazines and TV have marketed the idea that body-image-wise, they are OK with you, so you should be OK with yourself. There is, however, a big fat "BUT" attached. You should love yourself BUT you can always enhance your looks with this new product, or you should feel good about yourself BUT another product will make you feel better. Rather than promoting wispy heroine-chic models, America is trying to endorse the "be your best self" mindset.
It's a nice ideal, always feeling good about yourself and your actions, but what's the cost? You still have to plump your lips, fix your love handles and resist scarfing down bags of Cheetos to be happy. So what differentiates this from any other fad? The media are still manipulating American minds but using a different tagline. With this product, you'll feel less stressed, be healthier and enhance something. While pretending to recognize that you already have something special and beautiful, the media still weasel their way into your head to make you feel just insecure enough to buy their product.
The media teach us to cover up our flaws, or somehow make them beautiful, which gives people no firm option of "I'm OK" to fall back on. It's easy and fun to slide into the materialistic trap of buying things to better oneself, but a wonder bra or diet pill does not self-esteem make. The mindset seems to be "I'm beautiful, and I'm confident if ..." rather than "I'm beautiful and I'm confident as I am, end of discussion."
What's wrong with just being you? No frills, no extras, just you, flaws and all. The ideal of perfection isn't a healthy mindset. Perfectly happy would mean a person with no flaws, no arguments and no emotions - a robot.
Instead, parents, teens and kids should strive for awareness. It's OK to feel on top of the world one day and lousy the next. It's fine to go shopping and enjoy yourself. Just be aware that what you do or what you buy might not yield the results you expect. Despite what that person on TV tells you, a better way of life cannot be found in a book or bought for $19.95. It takes awareness and a gradual acceptance of yourself to work through insecurities and to become a "better you."
Wes: Julia's column gives me the oddest urge to go on a spiritual journey and seek enlightenment. Actually, the first step in that journey was TiVo. I haven't watched a commercial in two years, so I am already in a state of advertising-free bliss. On a serious note, I've had more than one pang of anxiety over whether I should feature Seventeen or CosmoGIRL! in my waiting room. However, any time I try to take them away, I'm faced with threats of mutiny. Sound familiar?
What I've come to believe is that the media have been with us always, in one form or another. Unless we sell the TV, filter the Internet, move our families to an isolated ranch in Montana, screen the mail, home school and otherwise pretend that the world does not exist, it always will be. Instead, we have to raise our kids to be sensible consumers of information. This has to begin when they are about 4 or 5 years old, and then accelerate rapidly as they pass into adolescence.
The very first lesson, repeated again and again, is one of incredulity (lack of belief). I play a game with my kids in which I devise a story and they have to determine if it's true or false, and why. Sometimes the stories are plausible but false. Other times they sound impossible but are true. The nice thing about this game is that it grows up with kids as they face a never-ending stream of increasingly sophisticated propaganda. This is just one way to promote critical thinking in children that will pay off when they are adults. From the beginning of their media experience, kids need to be taught to assume that anything that's a paid advertisement involves a pitch to get their money. Maybe the product has value and maybe it does not, but the job of an ad is to sell, not to give a balanced perspective.
Kids should learn to use independent reviews to determine the value and utility of a product. Consumer Reports is a good resource, but I also like online product reviews. I check these resources along with discussion groups and other independent evaluations before I make a significant purchase. I teach my own kids and clients to consume information in the same, critical manner.
Finally, I concur with Julia about the stampede toward flawlessness. It's reflected in body image and eating problems, overuse of cosmetics and the disturbing trend toward plastic surgery for teens. Unfortunately, I don't think it's just media-driven. While media do create markets, they also reflect them. Since we're never going to get big companies to give up the hype, we should instead help young people toward greater independence of thought.
Julia stands in good company with Nietzsche in urging each of us to become who we are. That's great advice, except insofar as others may choose to accept or reject us in our raw and revealing form. Thus, I continue to hold to the notion that we must encourage our kids to be more accepting of each other before they can become more accepting of themselves. Sounds like another vote for spiritual harmony.
- Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Julia Davidson is a Bishop Seabury Academy junior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.
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Escapee (anonymous) says…
Dr. Wes,
Your BEST commentary ever! And I especially love the start early campaign for children to understand the 'Whats & Whys' of advertising messages. It is true that we should all strive to be our best selves, but we don't need to be vulnerable to every option available.
Wish every kid had a parent like you!