Editor’s note: Below is a reader contribution that recently ran as a letter to the editor in the Lawrence Journal-World:

As a grandmother of seven with five teenagers, I was appalled at the answers to the question “How young is too young for sex?” in the Double Take column of the J-W on Jan. 15. The appropriate age is when a male and a female fall in love and get married. Intimacy is a precious gift given to human beings by God and is not to be misused. We are not animals and should behave accordingly. We must use self-control and discipline ourselves to not give away our virginity until marriage.

My mother-in-law emphatically said many years ago, “Sex ain’t sacred any more!” God intended true love to be kind, considerate and not demanding of its own way. This concept is good for young and old alike. Age isn’t what makes the difference; it’s our attitude and choice. The temptation of passion and lust play a big part in today’s worldly concepts of sexuality. It’s the same temptation, that’s been around since Adam and Eve and will remain until the end of time.

Wes: I appreciate your faith and its underlying value system, and your desire to convey those values to our readers. If you’re a frequent reader, however, you know that we often suggest taking sex seriously, making ethical decisions, thinking before one acts and considering sexual choices as more than recreational. We made those exact points in the column to which you take such deep umbrage. You seem to prefer that we choose not to wrestle with these questions, but answer them singularly, as you do.

Unfortunately, your important message – that sex is an expression of love and should be carried within a sacred context – is lost in its tone. It’s one thing to note that we can choose our sexual expression – which elevates us among other creatures. It’s another to compare sexually active teens to lustful animals. Too often adults demand a standard of unquestioning obedience from young people, ignoring the more likely outcome, that they will simply keep their forbidden behaviors a secret. Those of us who spend our lives face to face with teenagers from all walks of life and living in all situations accept that we are not simply obligated to convey good information. We must do so in a manner that influences teens to trust our judgment and to put that information to serious use. Otherwise we lose our audience quickly and with it any chance to make a real difference.

I’m a big fan of true love and marriage and I agree that sex is something spiritual. Sadly these values are lost on many young people, who instead seem more like Groucho Marx, commenting, “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

Many have quit believing in the idea of “us” in favor of a sort of “me and you” mentality for relationships. Marriage is no longer a primary ethic for sexual expression, and it hasn’t been for many years. Eighty-five percent of adults age 18 to 24 and 56 percent of teens 15 to 17 report having “been with someone in an intimate or sexual way (including but not limited to intercourse).” Just seven percent of men and 20 percent of women 18 to 50 were virgins when they were married. While we may want to believe that premarital sex is a recent occurrence, there is no evidence that this is true.

I respect your values and your right to dissent and I am glad to respond to your thoughts. However, this column remains dedicated to the realities of our reader’s daily lives, not those we wish them to have.

Julia: The idea that sex and true love should go hand in hand is one that many people still believe in; myself included. Unfortunately, one person’s – or even the vast majority of people’s – resounding belief isn’t going to change the behavior of millions of teenagers. The commitment with which you have shared your belief is admirable but that sort of commitment can be scary to young minds.

Teenagers seek boundaries, which we assume was the original reason for the question. Asking these kinds of “kids-say-the-darndest-things” questions is a method of gaining leeway by learning what they can and can’t get away with. Just because they ask doesn’t mean they are out acting as bad as the question sounds. It just shows a curiosity about their limitations.

Depending on the specificity or seriousness of the answer, kids will respond based on whether they deem the limitation as reasonable or fair. Being committed to any one answer is scary, because kids can stay tied down to a given run rule and regret it later or bypass the rule altogether – which could also create regret. Either way, laying down the law doesn’t teach them to actually consider the situation at hand, just follow the rule.

Faced with a numerical answer to the reader’s question, she can straight away break the rule, have sex anyway, then grow up wishing her parents were less focused on chronological age and more focused on a mindset. Saying “wait until marriage” sets up the same problem. Although that might be the right time for somebody to have sex, it isn’t the right time for everyone. Some people are ready when they’re older and, blunt as it is to say, some people are genuinely ready for sex when they’re younger.

I respect and agree with your belief that sex should wait for true love and not the other way around. However, Wes and I would be hard-pressed to convince a group of religiously, ethnically and ethically diverse teenagers and parents of any single approach to this decision, and we’d lose credibility if we tried. We prefer to encourage teens to think this decision through carefully.

Next Week: Self-esteem and the media. Is it OK to just be yourself?

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Julia Davidson is a Bishop Seabury Academy junior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.