Tips for hosting events and how to ask for help

There are times when a person wants to gather family and friends to celebrate a special event. A 40th birthday, a child’s high school graduation. But hosting can be expensive and some hosts need a bit of a contribution. How can you solicit help without offending? Here is a quick list of do’s and don’ts when asking for hosting help:

• Don’t surprise guests by asking for money at the party or after the fact. Kerry Patterson, author of “Crucial Expectations” said conflict arises when people feel a promise has been broken.

• For birthday dinners at restaurants, do be a modest guest of honor. Sylvia Brewer of Chicago was once treated to a birthday dinner by co-workers. She skipped the appetizer and had one glass of wine. She also made sure to pick a modestly priced entree. Her costs to guests? About two or three dollars a piece.

• Don’t be hurt if people choose not to participate. Sure, it hurts if no one wants to pay $10 to attend your pig roast. The important thing is that an option was given. “Catching them in a surprise is rude,” Patterson said.

• Do ask for separate checks or itemized bills at restaurants. For Brewer’s birthday dinner, a co-worker arranged for the waiter to print an itemized bill. Each co-worker wrote their initials next to the order. This meant the person drinking only iced tea did not pay for another person’s five glasses of wine.

It’s not always rude to ask guests to somehow contribute. But guests need to know the costs up front so they can decide whether to attend. Here is how hosts can communicate their intentions:

• BYOB: Indicate whether the beverages are to be shared with other guests. Or be clear if BYOB is for your own enjoyment.

• Potluck: Allow guests to suggest their own contribution instead of giving assignments so guests don’t go over budget. (Family parties excluded since hosting duties and assignments usually rotate each holiday.)

• Split the bill: Indicate that a group is meeting at a restaurant instead of saying “I’m hosting.” This should indicate the guest needs to bring money and should be prepared to split the costs evenly. Non-drinkers fearful of paying more for alcohol they didn’t consume should speak privately with the host and arrange for a separate check.

• Admission costs: At Halloween or St. Patrick’s Day, a host might throw a party at a restaurant with an agreement that everyone pays a flat rate, such as $20 per person. Be upfront about the cost in the invitation and indicate how guests should pay.

No, you do not want to pay. Nor do you want to split the tab evenly. What do you do?

One option is to blame the budget and decline the invitation. “Say, ‘It’s the kind of thing I want to do but it won’t fit into our budget this month,”‘ said Kerry Patterson, author of “Crucial Confrontations.” “No one can criticize you for sticking to your budget, you’re not criticizing their party or their ask for their money.”

But the options are different if you are already at the party and the host asks for a contribution. Patterson said that refusing to pay may risk your relationship with the host.

“If you do want to confront them because you feel they are constantly tricking you, that’s a crucial confrontation,” Patterson said.

Start by asking to speak to the person privately and focus on the behavior, not the individual. Patterson said this will help avoid the host from feeling personally attacked.