I am watching a “Today Show” segment called “Ease your pain at the pump.”

Like most Americans, I feel the pain. I can’t fill up my car these days without suffering an acute attack of angina. (Note to Phillips 66: Consider defibrillators at every pumping station, you no-good greedy sons of %#$$!)

(I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Gas prices are making me testy, I guess.)

Meredith Viera delivers the bad news: Another record high this week, according to AAA. A gallon of regular unleaded is now $3.53, on average. That’s up 27 cents in a month; 67 cents over a year ago.

A video package rubs it in: Gas thefts on the rise. Food banks are buying locking gas caps for their trucks. Four dollars a gallon predicted for summer.

The reason? Less production from refineries. High demand at home and abroad. Our weakening dollar.

But how can we, the consumers, drive pump prices back down? “It’s easy,” the expert says, “all we need to do is cut back.”

Now, I’ve cut back in every way I can think of. No more impulsive, late-night trips to the grocery store for ice cream. No more popping out to Bath & Body Works for a lotion fix. No more taking the long way home so I can finish listening to my favorite song on the radio.

And going out for an evening drive? Ha! When was the last time you heard anyone say they were “going out for a drive”?

It %&@!!’ing STINKS, I tell you!

(Again, I apologize. It must be the pain talking.)

Matt Lauer is interviewing some guy named Larry from Car and Driver magazine on how people like me can ease their pain and get better gas mileage. I am all ears.

First, he says, check your air filter and tire pressure. “If your air filter is dirty, it’s like your engine is sucking through a straw.” (Note to self: Check my air filter. Wherever the heck THAT is.)

“The less tire pressure you have, the more rolling resistance, and the more the engine has to work to overcome that,” Larry explains.

OK, true confession time. I’ve been pumping my own gas since the ’70s. (Listen! Can you hear me roar?) But when it comes to filling my tires, I am a wimp on the highest order. The whole procedure is so NOISY, and it’s scary to watch that tire inflate, expecting to blow itself and me into smithereens right in the middle of the Gas ‘n’ Go.

Their next pain-reducing tip is to lighten your load. “Empty your trunk, remove the rack on the roof,” Larry suggests. “Anything that’s not necessary, take it out.”

“Well, that’s something I can do immediately,” I say to myself, remembering the trunk jammed with clothes I’ve been meaning to take to Goodwill since February. “And thank you, Larry, for not mentioning the obvious: the lighter the driver, the better the gas mileage.”

My mind drifts as I wonder what losing 30 pounds would do for my MPG rate. Then I notice this graphic on the screen: Excessive use of air conditioning can lower fuel efficiency by 10 to 20 percent.

With summer coming on? What are they %”!@*’ing suggesting?!?

(It’s the pain, I tell you. I’m sorry. I denounce AND renounce my regrettable words.)

But Larry goes on to say that driving with the windows open increases drag, which also burns more gas. “You have to find a balance,” he says.

I start to calm down as Matt drives home the last tidbit of advice: Go light on the throttle.

“The harder and faster you drive, the more fuel you’re going to burn,” Larry concurs.

A-ha! Now, here’s where I’m ahead of the curve. For weeks, I’ve been taking a gas-saving, passive-aggressive approach to driving. I do not, under any circumstances, exceed the speed limit. I accelerate slowly and smoothly, and start braking well before the red light. No herky-jerky, stop-and-go driving for this gal, anymore. Sometimes, I even put my automatic transmission in neutral and coast down steep hills (which gives my husband an attack of angina, so I might have to cut that out).

I have become the consummate old lady driver. And if you want to hear some REAL unprintable words, check out the drivers behind me as I poke down the street at 25 mph.

Maybe that’s the best way to ease your pain at the pump: Become a pain in the %$# yourself!