"If you don't quit squirming I'm gonna break it," the man clasping tightly to my forearm screamed.
My 19-year-old self, at 5 feet 9 inches tall and 130 pounds, resisted. I found myself pressed against the strikingly white wall of my apartment, my socks slipping on the wooden floor as I struggled to free my arm, which the man held firmly behind my back. I was looking for an advantage. A weapon. A way out before he snapped my ulna like a No. 2 pencil.
I let out a shrill cry for help.
The man was wearing a red polo shirt with a tiny tiger embroidered where a front pocket could go. His hazel eyes glowed with anger. His spiky brown hair was disheveled, and his face was splotched with bright red tones, sweat swam from his brow. He smoked at least a pack of Camel Wides a day, and he was out of breath.
My heart pumped powerfully too, and I thought, "How did I get myself into this?"
Well, it all started innocently enough. I was enamored with the man who was now attacking me from the first time we'd met. He had a bad-boy edge, which I'd later learn was all there was to him. Nine months later, he would grip my arm like a vise.
It wasn't long before he started hitting me. It's a tattered, torn memory - a long stream of torture and torment, and I relive it to you with apprehension.
But more powerful than my fear of being labeled or blamed or reduced to a stereotype is my urge to reach out to other girls who have been or are in an abusive relationship.
I want to help other victims discover that they do not have to feel shame or guilt; that they do not have to cover, conceal or compartmentalize their pain with a forced smile; that they, under no circumstances, have to tolerate insults, threats or physical abuse from anyone. And I want to help them learn that instead they can stand proudly and independently on their own, because an unloving relationship, no matter how comforting or familiar, is not worth staying in.
Even after I removed this man from my life, the pain from the punishments he inflicted remained because I secretly felt that I didn't deserve happiness and, all and all, I deserved to be beaten, not loved.
And the pain never fully fades.
Even now, four years later, when I leave the house I still have to check my reflection three or four times just to make sure I look normal. All of the things he said about my appearance still ring in my ears: You're fat, ugly, no one would want you. Often I can't even hold eye contact with a man for more than a second or two before nervously turning away.
And any time something good happens, I am crushed with an irresistible inclination to punish myself.
When my boyfriend brings home flowers, or I win a contest, or someone compliments my outfit, I come up with a reason to question it, a reason to not be satisfied with myself, because, down deep, I feel responsible. Like it was my fault.
And at the core, part of me still associates love with pain. Sometimes I wish time could rinse the memories away, like the ocean waves wash away sand castles.
But other times, I want to cling to every detail. I want to remember the time I spent on the battlefield of domestic violence so that I will not forget that it happens to other women every single day.
I can still picture the dusty stack of books on the floor next to me, the pile of magazines on the desk, the broken glass bowl, once filled with leftover cereal milk, that he had hurled to the wall causing it to shatter at my feet, all of it next to me as I writhed with pain to free my arm. I can still remember the clothes I wore. And most clearly, I can still remember the anger piercing through his eyes.
Thankfully, I was rescued by a neighbor knocking on the door. He'd heard the struggle, and wanted to check on things, make sure everything was OK. My attacker didn't get a chance to break my arm. He was arrested and eventually convicted of battery. The verdict, along with a string of previous convictions for similar crimes and probation violations, added up to five months in jail.
Five months for me to clear my head.
I'm so glad I had the courage to call the police, and in the cold, black night, while standing in the parking lot of my apartment complex, give my report to an officer.
My hands trembled and my fingers outlined the fingerprint bruises on my forearm as the details tumbled from my mouth as quickly as they pour from my mind to my fingers and onto the computer screen now.
I tell you this story because I know that there are girls who are abused every day, and they needn't be. If you are in an abusive relationship I want you to visit www.womenslaw.org, a Web site that will provide you the help you need to begin your journey to an abuse-free life. And, most importantly, I want you to know that you deserve to be loved, not beaten or abused.
And for everyone else, I want you to watch out for your friends, sisters, mothers and cousins, and make sure it doesn't happen to them. Let's break the cycle. Snap it like it's a No. 2 pencil.
Comments
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Godot (anonymous) says…
Beautifully written. Chansi gets an A+.
smitty (anonymous) says…
What makes a bad boy and what makes a female want a bad boy? There are missing parts to this story such as, what from her background made her insecure? What from his background made him insecure enough to exhibit violence in a so-called dating/love relationship? Separate out the societal misogyny from personal responsibility and we can make some progress on the battered issue, both sides.
Confrontation (anonymous) says…
It sounds like Marion has been beaten by a woman. Momma, maybe?
Great article, Chansi! I read it on the Baker Orange site first, and it took a lot of courage to come out with your story (especially on a small campus). Ignore those people who think you brought this on yourself, or that your past or his past somehow gave him the right to do that to you. Best of luck in your future.
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says…
Oh Marion, you make me laugh! Where's your empathy? Now, I could get really sarcastic, but sometimes...things are best left to the imagination. ;)
This is Chanci's personal story and experience - of course she's going to focus on the male on female violence. So, you feel the need to attack her story on domestic violence?
Of course females abuse men everyday and there isn't nearly enough attention to this real issue. Maybe if more men came forward and shared their stories, then this type of domestic violence would be brought to the attention of more people. Maybe some men get poo-pooed when they DO share their stories...but, sounds like all the more reason to not be a passive victim and make their voices heard. Historically, women have been ignored a bit on this issue too. "Oh, it's just a husband and wife thing..."
I could get into the obvious fact that as a general rule, male abusers have a physical advantage over their victims. The opposite does not generally hold true. But, that would be an ignorant statment because females can be really good at emotional manipulation. Then, there's the pure and simple fact that many men are raised to be gentlemen and don't believe in striking a woman - ever (even in self defense).
Domestic violence is an issue that should always be taken seriously no matter who the perpetrator and who the victim.
Chanci shouldn't be chided because she is a female victim. Her story means something and I believe she's very brave to share with others.
arlene (anonymous) says…
Kudo's Chansi! Thank you for having the courage to speak openly about this epidemic. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. I'm glad to you got out safely. As for Smitty and Marion, give their response no attention. Victim blaming is a common institutional response. The victim is never to blame for the abuse, battering is a choice that is made by the abuser. People who blame the victim do not understand that only the abuser is responsible for his or her own violence. Victim's do not provoke or deserve to be battered. How a person deals with anger is a choice. There is no pattern to who the victim of domestic violence is. It is not a character flaw. It is not the fault of the victim. Abuse is a choice. I wish you all the best in your future and the many joys of life.
smitty (anonymous) says…
Neither one of us blamed the victim!
So what makes a woman want a bad boy and then can't leave when it turns violent? What makes a bad boy violent. They are both sick!! Society needs to address both sides of the issue keepping in mind we live in a male dominate, power crazed, misogynistic culture.
I only asked questions about both sides of the issue. Seemed fair and balanced as opposed to the one sided view points put out thru shelter movement.
repeat:
Separate out the societal misogyny from personal responsibility and we can make some progress on the battered issue, both sides.
Time for the shelter movement to grow. It is only recently that men have been accepted to advocate for women thru WTCS. With more than 25 years of separtist activism, battering education has been slow to advance.
Victim mentality only allows a dyfunctional response to the problem.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…
well, marcy,
meet a male victim of domestic violence. no, the reasons were a bit more complex.
***
chansi, very well written, very compelling story, I hope you will continue to write. in the future though, please understand that some of the woman-as-victim stereotypes actually can perpetuate female on male domestic violence, as in my case. I hope that you are meeting with an insightful therapist/counselor and that eventually you will be able to hold eye contact with a man, that you will be able to accept love without the 'strings' of violence attached.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…
regarding the horrific brutal attack of about three weeks ago by Matthew jaeger against his former girlfriend here in lawrence:
dear Reader or my fellow LJW poster,
If you were wishing to express support for Jaeger's victim, or send something for her comfort and assistance, I now have a way for us to do that.
Send to:
Gadugi Faith Center/Rape victim Survivor service
2518 Ridge ct.
Lawrence, KS 66046
Make your check out to the Gadugi Center, and either in the memo field of the check, or on the envelope, write "Jaeger case" and I am assured every cent
will go to the victim's assistance.
---
I want to add that this is an appeal organized just by LJW posters, 'theeleventhstephanie' and me. Jaeger's victim represents many unreported victims
of sexual violence who are also assisted by this very good organization. Gadugi Center is looking for additional support. This organization would also
benefit from an unrestricted gift, too if you choose. Mrs. Gnome and I will be enclosing two checks in our envelope, one marked "Jaeger case" and the
other unrestricted.
Jaeger's victim certainly deserves all the support we can muster after the things which she has suffered.
/gnome
pace (anonymous) says…
You can be doing nothing and some sun of a gun decides he is going to torture you. When you report it to the police, you can still get bizarre reactions. One woman who is being stalked by a crazed ex boyfriend, (twenty year ago) came back in her life, she had no idea how crazy he had become. He was crazy and mean as a snake. One night, he called her and told her he was going to sleep in her drive, she called the sherriff and stayed with me. The deputy called her and said he was just sleeping it off and they were going to let him. She said she didn't want him there. The deputy said, for her not to come over but to stay there with me because if she came there ( now remember this was her property, not the stalkers) it would be because she wanted to make trouble. I got on the phone and said, that wouldn't do, and he said, what business was it of mine and that the guy needed to sleep it off. I said I didn't care and to move him along. the deputy said that he couldn't as it would be entrapment. Then he told me off for interfering in the people's business. I hung up and called the sherriff's office and asked for the deputies supervisor.
the supervisor was very nice, ascertained that the exboyfriend had no business being on the property went over and unhappily let the drunk wake up a neighbor and they let the neighbor drive the car. When the woman tried to complain about the stalking and the death threats, this was hard and embarassing, she told one deputy , then it turned out that it didn't qualify as a report, got the courage to go in, the deputy she had talked to wasn't there and she was given another deputy , we were in an office, then he said to come and talk to him , and led us out to the lobby where all these people were milling. The deputy then motioned another woman, to sit too and asked her about her duis, and then turned to us and asked " whats your issues" We tried to tell him, he then turn to the other woman and said, was anyone in the car with you. My friend was becoming more agitated and I said, lets do this back in the office, The deputy said, no this is ok.
I gave him a look. My friend said, I told everything to the other deputy. The guy said. Well I will talk to him, then I will call you. I said when will you call? The deputy said he would call tomorrow. He never called. Times change but idiotsdon't. The creeps pick on the women, or children, or men who are actually probably better and fairer than I am. When someone stalked me, I decided I would rather go to prison for killing him than stay in my room avoiding him. If I had a child at that time, that wouldn't be a choice I could make. You have to stay around for a kid.
beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) says…
bearded_gnome (Anonymous) says:
well, marcy,
meet a male victim of domestic violence. no, the reasons were a bit more complex.
_______________________________
I'm not exactly sure what you're implying. Yes, the reasons for male inflicted vs femal inflicted domestic violence do differ. I could spend hours discussing the sociology of violence. I was simply informing Marion it's very uncool to chastise a woman for sharing her own personal domestic violence experiences...domestic violence is an awful thing - no matter the sex of the victim.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…
what I was implying was this, you meet me, you meet a male victim of domestic violence.