Quickest way to the top right now in the Bowl Championship Series: Don't play anybody.
Sit tight and let the rankings come to you.
Take a water break.
Yes, Ohio State is getting hammered for claiming No. 1 after beating the likes of Youngstown State, Akron, and Kent State - but at least those are real teams.
Yes, the Kansas Jaw-drops moved up four BCS spots to No. 9 after a victory at Colorado, as if that's never been done before, but at least the Kansas victories involved footballs and chinstraps and trainers.
But here's how wacky this season already is:
Arizona State did not play Saturday but got four merit-raise advances to No. 4 in the BCS standings.
That's one small step for Sun Devil football ...
In the USA Today coaches' poll, Arizona State moon-hopped from No. 12 to No. 7. The Sun Devils jumped over USC, which cheapened itself with a crushing, 38-0, victory over Notre Dame.
It's come to this: Playing nobody is better than beating Notre Dame.
USC's victory earned it only one coaches' poll cookie; the Trojans moving from No. 9 to No. 8.
Play air and move up five positions: Kill Notre Dame and get killed for it.
Boston College, which also didn't play, took advantage of the fact that South Florida did and moved to No. 2 in the BCS.
Rounding out the BCS top five are LSU, Arizona State and Oregon.
Two weeks after the Stanford disaster, USC moved up two square pegs into the round No. 12 hole. The Trojans are No. 7 and No. 8 in the Harris and coaches' indexes, and rose to No. 9 in the Associated Press, yet remain chained to a No. 21 computer ranking caused in part by dismantling two powerhouse programs, Nebraska and Notre Dame, on the road in years when those two programs are a combined 5-11.
The saving-grace component to this head-scratching is that it's still early - not to say that things won't be screwed up late.
"They really don't mean much right now," Boston College coach Jeff Jagodzinski said Sunday of the rankings. "Five weeks from now, I think we'll have a different story."
He should hope not - right now his Eagles are in the BCS title game.
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