I’ve been hearing a lot of bells lately. I’m not talking about the bells that peal in your head when you kiss your sweetheart for the first time. Nor am I referring to doorbells, church bells, sleigh bells, “ring for service” dingy bells or that groovy cowbell from Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

The bells I’ve been hearing are those of my cell phone : even when it’s NOT RINGING.

I hear them in the shower. I hear them in heavy traffic. I hear them in TV commercials and certain songs on the radio. I’ve even heard them while washing the dishes.

Just the other morning, I was minding my own business, drying my hair with my Conair 1875 Watt Ionic Turbo Styler, when I swore I heard the phone ringing.

“Who could be calling me at this early hour?” I thought. “It’s GOT to be an emergency! Could it be Mom? Dad? The kids?”

Quickly, I shut off the dryer. Tightening the towel around my body, I was ready to race to the bedroom where my cell phone lay in wait by the bed.

My pulse quickened as I waited for the second ring.

The sound of silence filled the air.

“That’s strange,” I said to myself. “I could have sworn …”

I cut myself short. There was no time for second-guessing. (When attempting to blow-dry stubborn, mind-of-its-own hair like mine, there is a small and finite window of opportunity to get the job done. Exceeding the window can make the difference between a good hair day and a “Bride of Frankenstein” movie.)

Switching the dryer back on, I continued styling until I heard the familiar sound again.

“OK, maybe that WAS the phone last time,” I reasoned, “but I didn’t actually HEAR it until the tenth ring, at which point the party on the other end decided I must be in the shower and hung up. Now, they’re calling back!”

Good Lord, what could be wrong?!”

I clicked the dryer off and got ready to bolt. But all I could hear was the sound of the trash truck outside.

Finally, it dawned on me. I was experiencing the psycho-acoustic phenomenon of phantom phone rings, also known as “ringxiety” or “fauxcellarm.” I remembered reading an article about victims of this modern affliction awhile back, and thinking to myself: “Crazy, paranoid bozos.”

According to scientists who study such weirdness, phantom phone rings occur in people who live in states of extreme “phone vigilance” – in other words, anyone whose cell phone has become an extra appendage. This includes teenagers, traveling salespeople, movie producers and women like me with grown children who are always calling with questions like, “So, what goes in chili besides hamburger and, like, chili spice?”

The human ear is particularly sensitive to certain frequencies – specifically, sounds ranging from 1,000 to 6,000 hertz – like a baby’s cry or (a-ha!) simple cell phone ring tones. The brain becomes conditioned to respond to these noises. So it follows that the young mom who used to dash into the nursery at the slightest coo on the baby monitor has now become the middle-aged woman ransacking her purse at the slightest strain of “Classic Phone.”

Moreover, when the brain hears sounds that only SEEM like a telephone ring, it fills in the blanks and anticipates the full ring tone. Thus, the phantom phenomenon.

Curiously, the article said, people who use popular songs as ring tones don’t seem to have the problem. And, thus, my problem was solved. All I had to do was find a suitable pop song, download it to my phone and – voila! – no more blow-dryer insanity!

Yesterday, I hopped online to explore my options and quickly discovered a list of the top-25 ringtone downloads. Heading the list were ditties like “Irreplaceable” by Beyonce, “Because I Got High” by Afroman, “When We Ride On Our Enemies” by 2Pac, “Nuthin’ But A ‘G’ Thang” by Dr. Dre …

Hmmm. “Classic Phone” is sounding better all the time. But I must protect my blow-drying time!

I wonder if they have anything by Blue Oyster Cult?