These old eyeballs have seen a lot of football.
OK, so I didn't see it played in leather helmets, I did not know Knute Rockne personally and when Howard Cosell used to tout the "New York football Giants," I was not old enough to have a memory of the New York baseball Giants.
But I have witnessed my share of football, my friends, be it prep, college or pro. Which is why I feel qualified today to issue an official proclamation in recognition of 2007 as this:
Our Weirdest Season Ever.
Where do I begin? I watch and watch and can't believe my eyes. I hear scores and can't believe my ears. I see a story on the TV news or read a stat in the newspaper and my jaw drops.
Here, have a taste:
South Florida is the No. 2 college football team in America. I didn't even know South Florida played football. I didn't even know South Florida had a college.
South Florida, South Carolina and Kentucky are ranked ahead of USC, Florida and Texas. Of course they are. And the Three Stooges can sing better than the Three Tenors.
Appalachian State beat Michigan at Michigan. I knew this would happen. Sure I did. And next year's Oscars for Best Actor and Best Actress will go to Pauly Shore and Tori Spelling.
Stanford beat USC. A 41-point underdog beat the No. 2-ranked team. You bet. And in other news, the Nobel Peace Prize is a tie between Ann Coulter and the president of Iran.
Boise State beat Nevada on Sunday night 69-67. I am not talking about basketball here. It's the most points in a Division I-A game in 70 years. I have a hunch the over-under in Vegas was not 136 points.
Homewood-Flossmoor High School in Chicago's south suburbs lost Friday's game to Bradley-Bourbonnais 26-4. (A safety in the first quarter and a safety in the last.) I cannot for the life of me ever recall a team's final score being 4.
Hawaii quarterback Colt Brennan threw 75 times in Saturday's game. His arm must be as limp as a lei.
Navy's leading passer and rusher is its quarterback, a Hawaiian whose name is Kaipo-Noa Hiwahiwa Akahi Kaheaku-Enhada. I wish Navy had cheerleaders so one could yell to the crowd: "Give me a K ...!" It would be the first cheer in history to last 10 minutes.
Mike "Our Man" Flynt, age 59, played in a college game. He was on the field Saturday for nine snaps, and his team, Sul Ross State, defeated Texas Lutheran in three OTs.
Wofford beat Appalachian State. Why wouldn't it?
The No. 1 and No. 2 teams both lost Saturday. Why wouldn't they?
In rushing, Notre Dame now ranks 119th of 119 schools. Rockne is spinnin' in his crypt.
In the NFL, the Rams, Dolphins, Bengals and Saints have a record of 2-20. Come on.
Meantime, the Lions, Cardinals, Browns and Texans are a combined 12-11 . Last season they won 18, lost 46.
Over the last four weeks, the Bears are giving up 31.3 points per game. Last season they did not give up more than 31 points in a game.
Brian Griese is now No. 3 in the NFL in passing yards per game. He ranks ahead of Brett Favre, Tony Romo and Peyton Manning. Of course he does. When it comes to passing the football, doesn't everybody think of the Chicago Bears?
Well, that's my story.
Thanks for following Our Weirdest Season Ever.
See you here next week after Notre Dame defeats USC 69-67 in quadruple overtime, a Hawaiian quarterback throws 100 passes and poor little Ohio State gives up its No. 1 ranking to a true football superpower, South Florida.