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Archive for Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Double Take: Reader emphasizes positive outcome of teen pregnancy

Julia Davidson, and Dr. Wes Crenshaw

Julia Davidson, and Dr. Wes Crenshaw

October 2, 2007

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Dear Dr. Wes: I read your column almost every week and generally like and agree with your advice. However, I was a little upset with the advice you gave to a young girl with a pregnant friend. I got pregnant at 17 and went through many of the same problems she is sure to face. I considered adoption but knew I would always wonder. Abortion was never an option due to my beliefs, so I kept my son. I agree whole-heartedly about needing a great support system. I wouldn't have been as successful without parental assistance, even with the regular bickering between us. It's not an easy situation, and not many girls purposely get into it. But almost everything you said was negative. There are a lot more resources out there for young parents than you let on. I graduated from high school and am attending Kansas University and living on my own. It's not easy, but I pay all my own bills, and the only assistance I get from my parents is baby-sitting. My son's father is not involved, but I have my son in activities that surround him with good male role models. I'm glad you warned about the possible outcomes, but I believe you also should have mentioned some of the positives and things that you still can achieve as a single and/or young mother. I do believe that the child of a 14-year-old would be better off if adopted, but I do think it's important to give examples of ALL possible outcomes so that she can make an informed decision.

Dr. Wes: We'd never want to upset a loyal reader who's come through an early pregnancy successfully, lives on her own and is attending college. I have great respect for what you've done. While the difficulties you recount actually underscore most of the points we made, you do remind us that many young moms do pull through. That wasn't the emphasis of our original column, which read a bit like a horror story of teen pregnancy. In contrast, your letter brightened my day. However, I don't agree that there are many resources for teen moms. Instead, our society increasingly punishes them and their children. Government policy actually has been engineered to dissuade early pregnancy by withholding support. Most, like you, tend to succeed in spite of limited resources, not because of them.

Your letter does point out what it takes to succeed in early pregnancy. First, one must actually make a decision and follow through on it. A parent must desperately want their child - making an affirmative choice to be a parent regardless of the circumstances of conception. Without that choice, one is destined to parent half-heartedly, which is hard to hide from a child. I've seen many kids who came to the disturbing realization after 15 years that they weren't ever really wanted, or not wanted enough. You made a choice to want your child, and you followed through. I commend you for it.

Next, one must work incessantly to balance caring for a child and getting one's own life in order. This is where the support system is vital because it allows a young mom to stay in school while providing a loving home. It's also where the party bus gets a flat tire. It's not that young parents can't have a good time. There's just little time left to do it when you're fully engaged in parenting, going to school, working, etc. Parenting is at its core about sacrifice - something that isn't clear to young adults until they are, like you, in the throes of it.

Other factors that predict success for very young parents can't be changed easily. Your family's financial situation, your energy level, mental health, ability as a student, connection to the child's father and raw tenacity (stick-to-it-ness) all improve the odds. Because the biggest factor is family support, my final advice is for the parents of young parents - don't give up. Things may seem bleak, but as our reader notes, you're now past the point of no return and must deal with things as they are, not as you wish them to be. Your help in making choices and sticking with them cannot be overestimated.

Julia: It's amazing to see how you've handled your situation, but as Wes said, you're one of the special ones who has been able to emotionally and mentally take on such a huge responsibility. Most teenagers, despite numerous sex-ed classes, talks with parents and certainty they know all the details, can't or won't wrap their minds around the idea of pregnancy when they come face-to-face with it. We did focus on the negatives, but in doing so, we hoped only to warn other teens in advance of what they might face. You are right that not everyone goes through every single trial and tribulation with pregnancy, and many people do emerge as successful and proud parents. The advice I gave the 14-year-old and her friend reflected her age and the urgency of the letter. The emotional maturity and experience gained between the age of 14 and 17 is vast, and although yours is a shining example of what strong will and perseverance can achieve, I couldn't give the same advice to a 14-year-old.

It is possible to get through a teen pregnancy with an immense support system and a lot of knowledge on what you are getting into. It's important to deal with each situation singularly and hope that other teens learn from another person's problem. Within that context your story was a good balance to our advice, but not a replacement.

Next week: The Kansas "kiss-and-tell" case started under then-Attorney General Phill Kline has returned the office of therapists and physicians to places of safety for teens dealing with sexuality. We'll update readers.

- Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Julia Davidson is a Bishop Seabury Academy junior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.

Comments

Karen Dawber 6 years, 6 months ago

The discouraging thing is that the experts don't look at the other issues. While they agree that a teen mom can make it, they seem to assume that the child will always be better off in the "stable two-parent" family. They also ignore the impact that losing an infant will have on a mother.

Still, it's a giant step forward when the experts concede that a teen mom can make it.

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tangential_reasoners_anonymous 6 years, 6 months ago

"cmon, conf , you never made any stupid decisions regarding sex? (can i ask that?)"

We can ask... but do we REALLY want to be Confronted with THAT?

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saraheckman 6 years, 6 months ago

birth control pills are not free from clinics. condoms are not handed out in high schools with abstinence only education. young girls are often uninformed and get pregnant. i dont think most of them think they are heroes.

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Mr_Ramirez 6 years, 6 months ago

"Try staying "upright" for a change..."

LOL!!!

cmon, conf , you never made any stupid decisions regarding sex? (can i ask that?)

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Confrontation 6 years, 6 months ago

Too many teen girls are having kids just because they know someone else who "made it." Free childcare and all the other perks are blinding these girls to the fact that they don't have to be part of the prego club. Try staying "upright" for a change and getting those free bc pills from the clinic. It'll save us all a lot of money. Plus, don't expect everyone else to applaud that fact that you got knocked up in high school. You aren't a hero. You made a stupid decision.

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redneckwoman 6 years, 6 months ago

I agree with both. I too had a baby @ 17. I kept my baby but it was a very tough road too take. Because I lived @ home SRS wouldn't help me until they got the clue that either SRS help or I was on the streets because my parents weren't going to help. I then only recieved Medicaid from SRS. Then my parents found a home for pregnant teens for me but to stay there they had to pay the bill. Of course my parents wouldn't have that so I became a legal adult at age 17 & started recieving more aide but my fee for staying in the home was half of everything I got. Which gave me almost nothing to save. By that time I was well showing makeing it impossible to get a job. I couldn't get Section 8 because the waiting list was so long that they weren't even taking apps. The house told me that I had 30 days to find a place to live after my baby was born. I ended up back at my parents but had to pay rent equal to a studio apt. in Lawernce @ the time. Oh and NO babysitting. I had to find my own. I was lucky to find a job "flipping burgers" when my baby was 6 wksold. But working 40+ hrs/wk @ min. wage gave me too much for any aid other then Medicaid. I did eventually move out into Section 8. but rent was bassed on wages. My baby's dad was ordered to pay support but didn't work so guess what no money.Because of the support I was "supose" to get I got even less aid from SRS. But I was ordered to drive all over the country side because he "had the right to see his kid".

My point is it's not easy. Not everyone has the support system like the 17 yrold. SRS kept telling me that my family is suppose to help me & couldn't understand why they weren't then didn't care. I was told to go to college but couldn't because of money & a babysitter. 13 yrs later thing's have smoothed out now. Still no child support but, at least I only hear from him 1-2 x's a year. The 1 good thing is when I see how good my 13 yrold is doing I can say "I DID" that.

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Ragingbear 6 years, 6 months ago

Dear Pregnant Teen,

Your not really pregnant, you just have ADD. Take some Ritalin now, so that your kid will be on it the moment they are born, because all kids have ADD. Just the other day I prescribed Ritalin for a 5 year old kid that was running around and acting just like a 5 year old.

Sincerely,

Dr. Fraudshaw

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