Dr. Wes: We sometimes forget what a special place Lawrence is, with myriad opportunities for culture, arts, public discourse, academia, etc. I encountered a thoughtful reminder of our embarrassment of riches when my daughter and I attended “The Secret Life of Girls” at the Lawrence Arts Center. The play was directed by Christie Dobson and featured a talented cast of local teens taking a serious look at the “mean girls” phenomenon. If this is the kind of teen social commentary we can expect in Lawrence theater, we will continue to be a fortunate audience indeed.

Two years ago, Marissa Ballard and I discussed this issue. Bullying is nothing new. It has a long and sordid history. However, the play underscores quite effectively how peer mistreatment has been significantly advanced and enhanced in the last few years. The characters use cell phones, instant messenger accounts and online postings to reinforce constantly changing alignments and estrangements among their social group. They wield rumor, manipulation, condescension and exclusion like surgical instruments to carve at what little self-esteem their peers might have amassed, with devastating results. Even more accurate and disturbing is the play’s emphasis on how easy it is to go from victim to offender, as the roles shift, alliances form and other girls are included or exiled from the group. In watching the story unfold, it became clear how desperate and fearful each teen was of being the odd girl out, leading each to happily trade in her outcast status for that of the bully.

I bet some of this sounds familiar. During discussion time, several audience members recalled their own difficult days as teenagers. For some, those days came last week, for others 35 years ago, but few seemed surprised at what they saw onstage. The play was careful to raise more questions than it answered, thereby leaving us to finish the storyline in our own families, schools and communities.

Some believe mean-spiritedness is just a part of growing up – that among kids a certain hierarchy naturally will emerge. It’s a bit like “Lord of the Flies”: Given any ambiguity of structure, young people will resort to their worst characteristics by default. I would instead suggest that bullying is mostly a process of social learning, that we cannot expect more of our teenagers than we do of ourselves as adults. I once worked in an agency where one person spread rumors that others were involved in illicit affairs and were being sanctioned by licensor boards. In one case, this person claimed that another staff member had to leave to agency because of an unwanted pregnancy with another staffer. This gossipmonger was a therapist and a parent, yet they saw nothing wrong with carrying on horrific and destructive behavior that led to numerous resignations.

Take a look at the various blog entries across the country and locally. You’ll see adults spreading nasty, hateful commentary about community members, exceeding any reasonable discourse – and most of it is anonymous, so nobody has to take personal responsibility for what they say. Why would our children act differently?

Any anti-bullying campaign must begin at home and in the community, and we should expect families to hold kids accountable for their treatment of others. As painful as it is to watch, it’s often easier for a parent to comfort the child who is a victim of hate than to confront the child who perpetrates it. Yet both are important in helping young people live peacefully.

Julia: Bullying is like the flu: It’s able to adapt to new generations and technology in the blink of an eye. Only in the past few years has the reality of girls bullying more than boys been brought to light. Female bullying often inflicts psychological damage on another person (usually female) without laying a finger on them. Unfortunately, there are no mental Band-Aids, and the injuries bullying girls can inflict on one another can be more lasting and harmful than the typical schoolyard fight.

As bullying has evolved over the years, there are some new strains to look for, specifically among girls. There is, of course, the “insult-you-to-your-face” method as well as the “gossip-behind-your-back” technique. But bullying also can include more subtle and indirect approaches, including purposefully ignoring or excluding someone. Girls are known for separating into cliques, and when someone they don’t know or don’t like pulls them out of that comfort zone, having the power to disregard that person’s existence feels pretty good. The problem is not when friends form groups, but when those groups discover a power in their numbers and a means to abuse that power for amusement or just because they can. I’ve been in the place of and watched many younger girls who, no matter how quiet or haughty, only want to be included and liked. It’s not for me to say who should be friends with whom, but selectively making and breaking friendships or excluding someone “just because” isn’t funny or justifiable, it’s plain mean.

Another type of bullying piggybacks on this idea of cliques – a word that used to evoke the image of popular, untouchable groups. Nowadays cliques have faded, and in their place are alliances. It would take volumes to describe the hierarchies of female friendships at this age – the acquaintances, the friends, the person one calls her “best friends,” the real best friends. And, as Wes notes, girls are willing to align themselves with friends against other friends when a problem arises, and the frequency and extent of these alliances is mind-boggling. At any given moment, a girl could side with Friend-A against Friend-B, but with Friend-B against Friend-C. The list goes on, leaving many girls unsure at any given moment who their true friends are. This isn’t direct bullying, but it certainly enables and incites girls to relish in cattiness and gossip that is hurtful to others.

The final form of bullying is that fine-tuned ability of girls to nitpick someone to tears. It’s the reason why girls are easily jealous, self-conscious or so willing to nitpick back. Nitpicking can take place via text message or Facebook, or it can slip into everyday conversation as an insult, disguised as a joke. This kind of bullying takes its toll by wearing away at the target, making her feel inclined to nitpick back to make the bullying stop. Unfortunately, this kind of bullying is always renewing itself and isn’t going to stop anytime soon. Counteracting bullying among girls requires the development of tolerance and empathy, which few are able to demonstrate because it goes so far against the norm.

Next week: I’m too busy to sleep. A teen responds to our column on the value of rest.

Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Julia Davidson is a Bishop Seabury Academy junior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.