Dr. Wes: I recently heard a delightful story on youth radio (youthradio.org) by Johanna Greensberg, a teen commentator from Blunt radio in Maine. She opens, “I’m sorry to say this, but parents are falling down on the job when it comes to ‘the talk:.’ when we compare notes, my friends and I realize we are learning about sex from the Internet and the movies because our parents aren’t talking with us.”

When Johanna asks her mother why she didn’t talk to her about sex, her mom says, “I think that I did.” Johanna insists that she did not and her mom can only remember saying, “I hope you wait:” then she adds, “or maybe that was with somebody else.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Her style was so wry and biting, like the Borat of teenage girls going around asking people really uncomfortable questions that every parent should be considering but aren’t, in a humorous, in-your-face kind of way. At one point she presses her dad for “the talk” and he manages to say “I would like you to know that sex is a part of love and a part of a relationship, and it’s a part of a way that you show caring in a relationship:

“The other part is, of course, the consequences of, you know … pregnancy, HIV and those : are the kind of … did I say pregnancy?” I almost had to pull over by this time because I was laughing pretty hard. But Johanna was hitting a serious point I hadn’t considered for several years. Doing what I do for a living makes teen sexuality about as uncomfortable as an oil change is for a mechanic – it’s just part of the job. Johanna’s commentary reminded me how tough and scary sexuality is for many parents – like the girl she interviewed whose sex talk involved her dad saying, “pay attention” when a condom ad came on TV.

Johanna suggests several ways to make “the talk” go better. First, don’t assume kids know anything – cover all the bases. I’m still mortified for teens who honestly believe one cannot get pregnant if the guy “pulls out” in time. Second, don’t try to be funny, because this will make things more awkward. As a therapist I find humor helpful in these talks, but as a parent I agree with Johanna. Don’t be dark and stern about the topic, but sex is too delicate in these situations for a stand-up routine. I’d use the word “casual” to set the mood for the talk. Johanna suggests never bringing up sex while riding in a car because the teen may feel trapped. I’d never thought of that before. Some of my best father/daughter talks occur in the car – but her point is worth considering.

Best of all, Johanna suggests that instead of a graphic description of how sex works, “impart your values, but realize that we might have to learn from our own mistakes. Just give us all of the information we need to be safe.” I couldn’t agree more. The mechanics are covered well in many books. The values are the big issue, and the last place you want your teenagers learning them is on the Internet and TV.

It’s never too early to begin having “the talk.” The sooner you start, the more comfortable both of you will be as your child ages and you become more practiced. If it’s just too hard to do it yourself, please find an adult friend, youth leader, therapist or other competent person who knows how to talk to kids and let them help you out. Another neat trick is to find several good books that you approve of and leave them in strategic locations around the house. Do this when your child is between 9 and 11. They’ll find them later on when they need them. As Johanna points out, no matter how uncomfortable, the worst sex talk is NO talk at all.

John: It’s a sexually charged world we live in, and it won’t help your children to pretend otherwise. Corporate sponsors have made an industry out of sex. They study the brains of adolescents to unearth the secrets of their psychology. What have they found? Sex sells. A TV show could use wit and wisdom to attract viewers, but why bother when you could throw in a couple of scantily clad blondes? Take off your clothes and rake in millions. Immerse teens in a sex-crazed culture, make them believe that your products are the ticket to sexual utopia – now you’ve created an industry.

Fortunately, you still have the upper hand. Teens who choose to put off sex consistently report that parental opinion is the No. 1 reason. Having a conversation with your kid is a parental responsibility, an essential step in raising responsible and competent offspring. It will be an awkward discussion, as serious issues often are. But if you don’t pass on your values to your children, they will look elsewhere. Discussing sex will not cause your child to think about it. They already are. As Wes said, public schools impart the science involved, but they are bound not to discuss right and wrong. And when marketers have their say, nothing is right, and nothing is wrong.

Don’t limit your talks to “The Talk.” Instead, sex should be a natural and ongoing discussion between parent and child. It’s hard to cover all bases in a single chat, and teenagers’ thoughts and feelings often change in response world around them. As you continue to discuss sex with your child, you’ll find the talks become less awkward and your teen will be able to discuss topics that might previously have been to comfortable. Then you’ll be ready to discuss the next hard fact of life: taxes.

Next week: Are these really the best years of my life? A 15-year-old takes issue with her mother’s advice to cherish her adolescence.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. John Murray is a Free State High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.