Q: Dear Dr. Wes and John: Will you please tell my 17-year-old in print, in front of everyone, that he or she (I don’t even want to say which) cannot date someone who is 13? My kid should be dating someone of the same age. Not only is it strange, but it’s against the law. My child won’t listen to me, but I’ll clip your article and stick it on the family bulletin board.

A: Dr. Wes: Happy to oblige. I’ve seen this problem many times over the years. It’s typically been an older guy and younger girl, but of late that isn’t always the case. For some reason I’m now seeing older girls hanging out with much younger guys. However, gender doesn’t really matter. Either way, your child has several problems here, and he or she needs to get deadly serious about them in a hurry.

First of all, it is unacceptable by any psychological estimate to be 17 and dating a 13-year-old. Kids will argue that it’s “only a four-year difference,” but there is no comparison to, say, an 18- and 22-year-old dating. This is quite simply because 17-year-olds are at a different developmental level socially, sexually and emotionally than 13-year-olds and should not have any reason to become interested in them as dating partners. I recall one client who, when confronted about this, actually told me that her older boyfriend was OK to date because he wasn’t very mature. Needless to say, this didn’t make me or her parents feel any better. Likewise, there aren’t any 13-year-olds ready to be involved with anyone outside of junior high, even if our district is among the last in the world to put seventh-graders in the same building as ninth-graders.

The second problem is one of perception. Most older kids intuitively know what I’ve said above to be true. If nothing else, they realize that others will look down on them for dating much younger teens. If your child needs John and I to reinforce something that seems obvious to both you and us, then I suggest you seek out a good therapist because somewhere something has been lost in translation. Your teen doesn’t seem to understand some very basic social conventions and, unfortunately, this is a common cognitive distortion among sex offenders. I’m not saying that’s definitely where your child is headed, but there is a foundation here.

Finally, even if your teenager doesn’t agree with me, John, the peer group, you or society in general about this issue, then perhaps s/he should reflect on the fact that it is illegal. Of course one actually has to engage in a sexual practice for the involvement to be illegal, but many young people forget that this includes ANY sexual touching, fondling, oral sex, etc. Many assume that if they don’t have intercourse, they are safe, and that simply isn’t the case. And I’m not talking about a slap on the wrist here. I’m talking about being arrested, charged with a sex offense, adjudicated and perhaps placed in a detention facility far from home for treatment and rehabilitation. I’m talking sex offender registry, online, where everyone can see your child’s picture and where he or she lives.

Before leaving this subject, let me urge parents to teach teens of any age that sexual contact with a younger child (e.g. 12 and under) is especially illegal. Too often, I’ve had a 13- or 14-year-old in for evaluation and, when asked what they thought would happen if they got caught fondling a 7- or 8-year-old, they say they feared being grounded. That’s simply not the case, and failing to warn our children about these issues because we feel uncomfortable about the topic does them no service. I commend you for trying and hope this has helped.

John: Well this may be sappy, but if your son were a celebrity, the tabloids would have humiliated him long ago. I don’t mean to be rude, but when a 17-year-old holds hands with a 13-year-old, he can’t help looking like a pedophile. That impression is permeating throughout the community, not just among friends and family, but among potential employers and teachers writing evaluations.

This relationship is on a one-way track to nowhere. When it comes to dating, middle school and high school are sacred realms that should never be mixed. Part of the trouble is that a difference in age creates a difference in power. Your child can drive a car, take advanced courses and go to R-rated movies. These powers, though relatively unimportant, can add up and create a superhero image in the mind of his or her partner. If s/he doesn’t believe this, point to a 21-year-old s/he admires. And although your child may have innocent intentions, I’ve seen far too many cases in which this power difference was abused.

Your child will probably object that s/he’s “not doing anything illegal.” Even if that is true, the problem with entering questionable relationships is that, should they turn sour, the younger party can easily play the abuse card. If his/her significant other claims s/he was a victim of statutory rape, your child’s image will be damaged beyond repair. It doesn’t matter what actually happened. When rape is discussed in court, it almost always comes down to one person’s word against another’s – and guess who is taken more seriously?

Were your child to meander through a middle school health textbook, s/he’d learn that 13-year-olds are usually still in puberty (a time of rapid change in their lives.) Four years can so transform a teenager that it is difficult to compare the day-to-day lives of a 17- and 13-year-old. This, in turn, hinders conversation and mutual understanding, for which physical exchanges are a poor (and illegal) substitute.

If your child doesn’t have the courage to break up with his/her sweetheart, you ought to do it for him/her. Such an end probably would breed resentment, but would make it substantially more difficult for him or her to make an easy target of a younger teen. If your child wants a girlfriend or boyfriend, s/he should get a Facebook, not a sevie.

Next week: A former foster child asks what to do if one was abused while in custody.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. John Murray is a Free State High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.