A disturbing bit of news crossed my desk this week.

Are you sitting down?

According to the Associated Press, nudist groups and camps are having a terrible time recruiting younger members to join their ranks. In fact, the entire naturist movement is in danger of shriveling up and dying in the next few decades unless fresh meat can be found.

Consider the naked facts: Over the past 12 years, 14 nudist resorts in Palm Springs, Calif., alone, have closed their doors due to a lack of warm bodies.

The Solair Recreation League in Connecticut, where the median age of membership is 55, has resorted to recruiting college students to pad their shrinking numbers. (Note to parents of high school grads: It’s not just credit card companies and military recruiters chasing your precious babies. Now, the nekkid people are after them, too!)

In Canada, owners of Glen Echo Park, the oldest nudist camp in the Toronto area, likely will be forced to accept bids this month from the – gasp! – “textiled” public after trying to sell their property for two years.

Even the venerable American Association for Nude Recreation (AANR) is feeling the chill, estimating that more than 90 percent of its 50,000 members are now over 35.

First, the Masons; now, the nudists. It’s the end of civilization as we know it.

So why would the generation who gave us “Girls Gone Wild” videos and celebutantes who go clubbing without their skivvies be turned off by the idea of recreational nakedness?

Is it because there’s no place to stash their cell phones?

Surprisingly, that’s not it.

Apparently, the very idea of shedding one’s clothes in close proximity to older, sagging skin makes the 20-somethings get all, like, icked out.

I can’t say that I blame them.

Don’t misunderstand. I appreciate the IDEA of nudist culture. I recognize the desire to feel uninhibited and free. I often wish I could throw caution to the wind and go “au naturelle,” if only in my backyard. What’s stopping me, you ask? Oh, just a few hundred reasons, but here are six of the most compelling:

1) The light of day. If nudists convened, say, at midnight under a moonless sky, at least 50 miles from town in a dense, wooded thicket, I might be in. But in broad daylight? Not this broad.

2) Actinic keratoses. Let’s pretend I would even consider attending a naturist day camp. Pre-cancer skin lesions run in my family, and I’ve had a couple removed myself. My dermatologist urged me to stay out of the sun as much as possible and, well, what would I tell him if a spot appeared in a place that, heretofore, had never been kissed by the sun?

3) Glare. Due to factors outlined in No. 2, I don’t sport much of a tan these days. Stepping into the sun wearing nothing but a smile might, I fear, reflect enough light to render me, and anyone within 100 feet, irreversibly blind.

4) Cathy is to mosquitoes as:

a) A country buffet is to the Dallas Cowboys;

b) Candy is to 5-year-olds;

c) Marijuana is to Rastafarians;

d) All of the above.

The answer is d.

5) Google Street View. In case you haven’t heard, the whiz kids at Google are making their way across the country, taking 360-degree, bird’s-eye-view photos of every house, street and empty lot in America. Knowing my luck, the Googlerazzi would be lurking next door at the exact moment I stepped outdoors in my birthday suit. Click, click, click! Suddenly, I’m an Internet cautionary tale.

6) Gravity. The force that pulled Newton’s apple to the ground is cruel and unforgiving to middle-aged bodies. This probably explains why the younger generation is hesitant to join clubs dominated by bare-naked boomers. Who needs an in-your-face reminder of the depressing droopiness that lies ahead?

I guess you could call me a closet nudist.

Hey! HERE’S an idea: A naturist camp featuring rows and rows of outdoor closets! Bashful bare-bottoms could bolt from one closet to the next, making their way across camp – from pool to horseshoe pit to juice bar – in fits and starts. Younger folks wouldn’t get a chance to be offended by aging flesh, and oldsters could avoid life-threatening UV ray exposure.

I believe I’ve just saved the entire nudist nation from aging into oblivion. I’m a genius!

Now, I wonder what I can do to help the Masons?