History offers fatherly advice

Much of parenting is about instinct, about applying the judgments we learned from our own fathers to guide our children into their lives.

But sometimes we could use a little help. Trouble is, good fathering advice is hard to find.

The big parenting magazines are pretty much useless; aside from the occasional feature article, they’re largely aimed at moms. And those self-help books from fathering “experts”? Well, you’re saying, they don’t know my kids.

Fortunately, fathers today have two key parenting tools their ancestors didn’t: the Internet and “Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations.” So for Father’s Day, we’ve enlisted some of history’s minds and mouths to fashion a guidebook for the guy who wants a more classic take on parenting.

Sure, these people didn’t KNOW they were talking about fathering techniques. But they were.

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein (1879-1955), genius

Yes, the math class is important. Yes, bringing home A’s and B’s is probably going to get your really intelligent daughter into college and start her on the road toward a good life. But c’mon, people: This obsessiveness to get your kids into the right preschools and make sure their kindergarten transcripts are well-rounded is out of control.

Education means experience, too: trips, amusements – yes, even the occasional out-of-control high school party is part of a modern American education. Lives are stitched together with memorable moments, and not all of those come during a ninth-grade civics class.

(Alternate quote from Bruce Springsteen, New Jersey musician: “We learned more from a three-minute record, baby, than we ever learned in school.”)

“Never has a man who has bent himself been able to make others straight.” – Mencius, Chinese philosopher (372-289 B.C.)

Your kids will do as you do, not as you say. If you’re a jerk, odds are your son will be, too. Look in the mirror: Can you live with what you see? If not, recalibrate.

“You have to take chances for peace, just as you must take chances in war.” – John Foster Dulles (1888-1959), American statesman

Angry fathers have yelled and sulked and punished and turned inward for centuries. Fortunately, we’ve managed to learn that shouting down a bad situation is the easy way out; so is ignoring the problem by turning taciturn and walking away. What’s riskier for a father is making peace.

Here’s one possibility: “I’m sorry.” Here’s another: “I know you’re unhappy. Can I help?” Here’s a third: “I was wrong.”

“It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well and justly, and impossible to live wisely, well and justly without living pleasurably.” – Epicurus (341-270 B.C.), Roman eater and philosopher

Pay attention here: Your kids need to know that balance is one of the keys to a life less ordinary. Anybody can – and many do – sit down and play videogames until their brains explode, but one of the most important tools a father can offer a child is the understanding that fun is tempered by duty, and – just as important – duty is tempered by fun.

(Alternate quote from Peter Parker, Daily Bugle photographer and superhero: “With great power comes great responsibility.”)

“At worst, a house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived.” – Rose Macaulay (1881-1958) English novelist and essayist

OK, so your 5-year-old’s room is a mess even after the third time you’ve thundered to him about cleaning it up. Are you really going to ground him or let the Saturday afternoon slip away, simply to make a point? What do you want on your tombstone when you die – “He made sure his kids’ toys were picked up”?

Get some fresh air together. Watch a DVD. Go to a baseball game. There are many times to stand on principle. This ain’t one of them.

“Bite on the bullet, old man, and don’t let them think you’re afraid.” – Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936), British writer

This is a tough one, because – like a lot of Kipling – it cuts both ways. As a dad, you’re a prime teacher of being brave and making sure that your kid can manage fear – fear of school, of potty training, of monsters in the closet. Well-handled, that bravery can flow like a clear river down to the next generation.

But … revealing your fear is a great fathering technique, too. Fathers who pretend they’re never afraid raise sons and daughters who pretend the same thing (see Mencius, above). Showing your fear, and being honest about it, shows your kids that what they’re feeling isn’t something to be ashamed of and hidden. And that makes them stronger.

“We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” – Joan Didion (1934- ), American writer

Do not discount the power of storytelling; it’s one of a father’s key tools, and not just at bedtime. Stories, told in one of the two voices that our children trust most, can ground them in the world, shape their behavior and get them to understand things they’d never even consider if you just told them.

So tell stories as if their lives depended on it – and tell real stories, not just made-up ones. Tell them stories about their grandparents, about their neighborhood, about where their food comes from, about who built their house. Tell them stories about people who do admirable things and make the world a better place – and then talk about the stories.

Come to think of it, any time you’re thinking about lecturing your kids, consider telling them a well-chosen story instead.

“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” – Spock of Vulcan, Starfleet officer, upon dying, in “Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan” (1982). (With apologies to Karl Marx.)

Dr. Spock had his moment; we can learn parenting from Mr. Spock, too.

This one isn’t about socialism. You want your kid to be an individual, to understand the power of individuality? Got news for you: In our narcissistic culture, you might do better teaching them about collaboration and teamwork. The kid who can play well with others – and see how the other guy feels – is going to end up more confident, and thus more equipped to be a strong individual, than the one who gets a trophy for just showing up.

“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.” – Janis Joplin (1943-1970), American singer

You think you’re doing your kids a favor by letting them do whatever they want? You’re not. Responsibility attaches them to a cause; teaching your son responsibility to his family early on helps him learn responsibility to his community and his world later. Throwing up your hands at your daughter and saying, “She’ll just do what she wants anyway,” might serve the moment, but it’s destructive to the life you’re helping to shape.

Still think pure freedom’s wise? Look at the dates of Janis Joplin’s birth and death, and if you don’t know what killed her, look it up.