Dear Dr. Wes and John: How do you deal with a parent who blames you for everything and doesn’t own up to his or her own mistakes? Please help me with any advice.

Dr. Wes: First, you owe it to yourself to be certain your perceptions are accurate. I realize you’ve already reached a conclusion on that, but it’s worth taking a step backward and trying to assess the situation objectively. Adolescence is marked by upheaval as children move away from their parents (literally and emotionally) and on to adulthood. There is about a 100 percent chance of hitting rough spots along the way, and both parent and child are likely to blame and be blamed at one time or another. A second opinion may be in order.

Let’s assume that things are just as you suggest. It is really tempting to point this out to your parents with great frequency. I’m sure you’ve tried that approach, and you know how well it works. The more you note weaknesses, the more your parents feel defensive and cite your back talk or disrespect. Throw in something about them being hypocrites, and the whole things goes up in flames. It may instead be best simply to accept that your folks are flawed people. They’ve made their mistakes and will continue to do so. Most of us have. Because they live with us, our children are more aware of this than anyone. If, instead, these mistakes are severe – like abusiveness or drunk driving – you have to take action to protect yourself.

The real issue seems to be your concern that they “blame you for everything.” This can be very demeaning and, in its extreme forms, emotionally abusive. If your objective assessment leads you in this direction, it would be wise to track down a therapist. Typically, I’d suggest family therapy to help your parents focus on areas in which you excel and help you along in your shortcomings. Constructive involvement can take the place of blaming in many cases, and many parents just feel fed up and don’t know what to do. If the therapist can give them something helpful, they’ll use it. What you should not do is use therapy like a club to bang your parents over the head for all their faults.

In extreme cases, family therapy may not solve things – or it can make things worse – because your parents may not realize the effect they are having on you, even when it’s pointed out. In such situations, it may be better to see a therapist alone and work on your future. This will help you look for rewards and self-esteem in your talents and larger life endeavors. I don’t think this is the best answer, but if you can’t reach a peace between you and your family, the next best thing is to become more focused on what you can change: yourself. I’ve seen it work many times.

John: The important factor to remember here is the one your parents have probably been pounding into you since infancy: You are the child, and they are the parents. In a head-on collision with your parents, you will lose. So while I’ll discuss a few ways to increase your leverage, I agree with Dr. Wes: You’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that your parents aren’t angelic.

After a few decades, you’ll probably support many of the decisions you now wish your parents hadn’t made. But there also will be issues you still disagree about, and you may choose to raise your children differently. I know a woman who was so disgusted by her parent’s habitual lateness that it inspired her to be punctual as an adult. Throughout her children’s school years, she was late picking them up only twice. You can resolve to change your own behavior, but you cannot do much to improve your parents. Realizing this is an important step toward maturity.

There are a few ways to encourage your parents to accept responsibility. Pick your battles with prudence. Give in on small issues, then respectfully discuss your opinions on important ones. This way, you will appear less argumentative, and your parents will be inclined to look at your side of the story.

Be quick to admit mistakes. When you apologize to someone, he or she often feels obliged to match the apology and admit his or her mistakes in the process. Because your parent is already jumping on your mistakes, you have nothing to lose by apologizing. But make sure your apologies are sincere. If your parent is blaming you for something for which you don’t feel responsible, don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This implies that you are sorry for your parent’s faults and will likely fan an angry fire.

Finally, you would do well to talk with another person. If your parents are married, try asking one of them to mediate your conflicts. If your parents do not live together, try talking to your school counselor, nurse or clergy member. These people are experienced at listening and can help you with specific issues I can’t address. You also should talk to them immediately if your parents’ blaming becomes abusive. Things like blaming you for poor grades would not fall into this category, but if your parent claims, for example, that you are at fault for his recent job loss, you should seek help.

Next week: Advice for foster kids aging out of the system.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. John Murray is a Free State High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.