Dr. Wes: It’s time for Double Take’s annual list of New Year’s resolutions for teens and parents. Hopefully these resolutions will just take a little time and effort to keep. Mine are for parents. John shares some for teens.

1. Resolve to keep a weekly date with your teenager. If you have several – my thoughts and prayers are with you – try and do this with each one separately. The level of family contact and intimacy is greater one-on-one than in a group. It might also work with twins or near agemates if they get along. Dinner gives you something to do, but it’s not so distracting that you can’t talk, which is the whole point of the exercise. It’s best to start this tradition when kids are younger and keep it going into adolescence.

2. Resolve to begin with the end in mind (Stephen Covey, “7 Habits of Highly Successful People”). Make a secret list of things you want your kids to be, think, know, believe in and pass on to their kids. Target the achievement of these goals to age 25. This reminds you of the golden rule of parenting teens: You aren’t going to achieve much between 13 and 21 except to get them out of the house and successfully on the path to adulthood. All the great ideas you have for your kids about loving the right person and picking up their rooms will only kick in at about age 23 when their brains finish developing and they suddenly realize what bright and thoughtful people parents really are. I like to call this list your “discipline.” Its good to get into the habit of using the word discipline as a noun and not a verb – a way of thinking rather than reward-and-punishment system.

3. Resolve to clarify your expectations. Make another secret list with two categories: internal expectations and external expectations. The externals should be set higher so you encourage (not demand or manipulate) your children into striving for their best. The internal expectations should be kept to yourself and reflect what is realistic. For example, it is wise to encourage your child to wait to be sexually active until s/he is, say, 21. However, this isn’t really likely in modern America. In fact, recent research suggests it hasn’t been for more than 50 years. If you set your internal expectations this high, you’ll be terribly disappointed if your teen doesn’t meet them.

4. Treat your teenager’s other parent as you wish your teen to treat his/her partner. Whether married or not, teenagers watch this closely. If you have a hostile divorce, angry marriage or extramarital affairs, you are teaching your child to have these, too. Re-read No. 2 if you don’t understand why. It’s just as easy to teach bad values as good ones. This one is a whopper.

5. Talk to your teenager about your successes and regrets. Don’t lecture them by saying, “I just want you to understand (insert dumb thing that you did in life) so you never go through what I went through.” Just share your errors as well as your good decisions – without begging them to take a different course – in order to illustrate important decisional points.

My New Year’s resolution is to finish my book on parenting teenagers and flesh out each of these ideas, so you may see them revisited during 2007 in Double Take.

John:

1. Compliment everyone. This is common sense but, unfortunately, not common practice. Everyone has a pessimistic voice inside them, a voice that tells them they have no talents and no future. And, sadly, we often forget to acknowledge others’ talents, even when we admire them privately. This is especially true for guys. Just remember how much you beamed the last time someone complimented your sense of humor. You can make your friends feel the same way with virtually no effort on your part.

2. Talk to your teachers. They aren’t at school to make the big bucks. Most are eager to help their students learn, but they can’t help you with academic problems if you won’t discuss them. If you have a question, raise your hand, and if you need more help, come in after school. Don’t be afraid to discuss grades either. I once changed a semester grade from a C to an A because I noticed a mistake on my progress report. Talking to your teachers also will help them learn more about you, which will make for better letters of recommendation.

3. Keep healthy sleep habits. Many people think of their sleep as reserve hours from which they can withdraw whenever they need more time. In fact, people who don’t have healthy sleep patterns have less energy and accomplish less than those who do. Although the exact amount differs from teen to teen, everyone needs at least seven hours a night. You might think you have to stay up late to catch up on homework, but a better solution would be to waste less time during the day. Also, try to wake up and go to bed at the same time every day. That way, your body will become accustomed to a pattern and you will fall asleep quicker.

4. Stop procrastinating. Perhaps you think that if you had more time, tasks like cleaning your room would fall into place. They won’t. The longer you put off an unpleasant task, the longer it looms over your week. Then when you can ignore it no longer, the task seems insurmountable and you panic. In the end, your job is either done poorly or not at all. This resolution, like No. 2, will take time management on your part but reaps large dividends. Procrastination is not worth the effort. Which brings us to the last item on my list.

I think I’ll finish this list later …

Next week: A teen asks what to do with parents who blame her for everything but ignore their own faults.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. John Murray is a Free State High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services.