Mary Kay parties. Women's restrooms. The romance section of the library.
There are certain places guys just aren't supposed to be.
I'd like to add one to that list - bridal fairs.
There's a reason they don't call them "groomal fairs." I found this out for myself.
I had to pinch-hit for my fiancee's sisters and mother at a bridal fair in Topeka. Snowy weather kept them from coming to town, and it didn't seem right to make her go to the event by herself. (All together now: Awwww....).
By recounting these events, I don't mean to scare you, future brides and grooms. It's just that life isn't pretty sometimes.
Let's start with the entry process. We actually PAID $5 to get in the door, to have the opportunity to talk to people who we will be spending thousands of dollars with in the next few months.
My fiancee got a pink sticker that said "BRIDE." I didn't get a sticker.
I will concede that there were free samples of wedding cake and catering fare. But by my calculations, you'd have to eat something like 25 cocktail meatballs to make it worth your $5 investment. My stomach started aching after about a dozen.
The vendors - which seemed to number in the hundreds of thousands - somehow managed to keep a level of enthusiasm about other people's weddings that proved to me they were, in fact, not human. They were programmed to talk about how the bride - note BRIDE, not bride and groom - could specialize whatever service they were offering for their particular wedding.
And they never stopped smiling. Never. Maybe that was because of there was a company that rents out frozen margarita machines giving out free samples nearby.
At one point, my fiancee was talking with a representative from Bed Bath & Beyond. I stood a few feet back. I apparently looked miserable, because the representative came up to me and asked me if I was having fun.
"Not really," I answered, honestly.
"That's too bad. Would you like some chocolate?"
She handed me a heart-shaped candy that might have been left over from Valentine's Day last year. I ate it.
She resumed her conversation with my fiancee. After a few minutes, I must have looked despondent again. She offered me more chocolate.
Nice try, but I can't be bribed.
Best I can figure, the only way a man should go to a bridal fair is if he's looking to meet women. Most of the brides there had an entourage of two or three female friends, all talking with them about the brides' Big Day, and, at the same time, dreaming about their own. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
But, alas, that's not a viable option for you prospective grooms.
So, guys, heed my advice: If your fiancee asks you to go to a bridal fair, find an excuse. Go to work for an "emergency meeting." Suddenly need major car repairs. Pass a kidney stone. Do whatever it takes.
And, future brides, my advice for you: Don't ask your fiance to go to a bridal fair. Trust me, it'll be easier on everyone.
Just tell him what to wear and where to stand. It'll be the start to a happy marriage.
Comments
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brookcreeker (anonymous) says…
Who says women like Mary Kay parties, romance novels and bridal fairs? And your advice to steer clear of fairs? I would tell your readers (men and women) to steer clear of the bridal fairs, get married and save all that money for a house or something that will last more than 24 hours. Poor babies...
lounger (anonymous) says…
we are not all bear drinking, football watching morons. and it was in topeka--no wonder you had a lousy time! just remember some men dont fit you sitcom molds too well.