Dear Dr. Wes and John: As a former foster child, I think all your ideas sound great (see Jan. 23 Double Take). But to really think about growing up in foster care, walk a day in their shoes! They have no one. There is no family to speak of. That’s what I think hurts the most. I just can’t get past it. I have a great mentor. But I need more. I want a family. Now at 26, single with two children, I only know how NOT to treat a child. It has been extremely hard without an example, or a mom or dad to ask for advice or help. As adults, it puts us ex-foster kids at a huge disadvantage. There needs to be some kind of adopt-a-family program for us. As far as not being afraid of failure – that’s the only thing I am afraid of.

Dr. Wes: Thank you for your letter. Of all our columns, this one received the most comments from both foster parents and former foster children. You offer some wise and very poignant words. While I’ve not walked in the shoes of a foster child, I have walked beside them for 14 years. I understand the anguish and fear you feel, not only about the world but your place in it.

Foster care is a bit like Winston Churchill’s view of democracy – the worst solution we have, except for all the others. Most researchers and states now realize that foster care is a very imperfect answer to the problem of child abuse and neglect, and many, including Kansas, have attempted to limit its use. The results have varied dramatically, resulting in more of a pendulum swing from one extreme to the other than a logical or well-planned system.

In the 1990s, states were criticized for keeping too many kids in custody. At one point in mid-2000, Kansas admitted that it had several hundred kids in custody who really didn’t belong there. To its credit, the state has worked to bring that census down. Unfortunately, in doing so, Kansas and other states now face the prospect of not taking enough children into custody who should be there, and criticism is growing about new policies that raise the risk threshold for removal.

I very much understand your position. You feel alone, disconnected and disadvantaged. The system carried you to 18 and perhaps gave you independent living services, but those could not replace the benefits of a family. It would be terrific if nice established families would agree to “adopt” young adults. Unfortunately, it’s tough to find foster families for teenagers and tougher to find adoptive ones, so I can’t tell you what the prospects might be for your idea. I do know a lot of young people who could use that kind of family experience, and I’d invite anyone who wants to provide that to e-mail me. We’ll figure something out!

John: Your letter has some very good points and provides insight for those lucky enough to be raised with parents. Parents will always have their imperfections, but it’s important to be grateful for them anyway. When my mother was growing up, my grandfather was a high-earning accountant with a very busy schedule. He didn’t take much time to talk to her. Now he is comfortably retired, and my mom is busy taking care of her family. Since he has so much more free time, my grandfather will find any excuse to engage in hourlong phone calls with mother. Instead of trying to “get even” with my grandfather for not spending much time with her as a child, my mom chooses to listen patiently and enjoy the years they have left. As I’ve said before, you cannot change your parents, only your response to them.

One of the great privileges of parenthood is the opportunity to raise your children in a better lifestyle than the one in which you grew up. You mentioned that you knew how not to treat a child, and that is a very good start. You know the meaning of hardship and the value of iron grit, and you can pass these lessons on to your children. In America, many people are pampered through their childhood and don’t slam into the hard wall of reality until college or later. There are some classes designed to teach parenting, but if you really want to learn how to raise a family, there is no substitute for watching successful mothers and fathers. Most of them will tell you, however, that parenting is an acquired skill that you can learn only through practice. It will, no doubt, prove difficult, but difficulty is an obstacle you have been overcoming for quite some time now.

Next week: A very young teen tries to get school personnel to set better boundaries.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. John Murray is a Free State High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.