Q: When is it appropriate to ask for a letter of reference? I’ve been trying for nine years to land a job at a local college. Recently, I met up with an elderly gentleman who has some clout with the college administrators. He and I are working on a project together, but I’ve met him only once and talked to him on the phone another time. A friend of mine suggested I ask him for a letter, but since I just met him, I think her suggestion is inappropriate. What do you think? – Amy

J.T.: I think your friend is right, Amy – ask for a reference. Remember that you came in contact with him before learning of his “who you know” factor. So, if you believe in fate (I do!), then that alone should make you ask him. However, if you need some logic, the simple truth is that you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Dale: Fate and logic? Who am I to disagree? But here’s a suggestion – set up the request by telling this gentleman of your dilemma about asking him for a recommendation. Ask his advice. The older you get, the more you love to be asked for counsel. Your reticence to call upon him becomes you, and I think he’ll think so, too. If it is fate, then instead of just a letter, he might offer to be your sponsor/mentor.

J.T.: Agreed. I know that you’re thinking it’s too soon for him to feel he knows you, but I recently saw that when successful executives were polled on how long it takes them in an interview to know if the person is a fit, guess what the average response was? Thirteen minutes. Thirteen! So in his mind, he knows plenty about you. I bet he also knows that dreams don’t happen, they are made.

Dale: And I bet he also knows that being asked to play a part in a dream is an honor.

Q: I work for a large company that approved me for their WAH (work at home) program, which is great because I have three small children. However, my manager has told my supervisor repeatedly that she is not a fan of the program and that WAH employees need to work 20 percent more than “regular” employees. Her judgmental attitude is creating an us-versus-them mentality. How can I combat this? Please don’t say to go to HR – this person is high up on the ladder, and she can be vindictive. – Ursula

J.T.: I’m not going to tell you to go to HR because they honestly can’t do a thing. In fact, their involvement would serve only to inflame those who resent you. That’s one way that the “mommy wars” in Corporate America are perpetuated.

Dale: Mommy? I’ve been in that battle myself. When I was with a consulting company, I worked part time at home and felt resentment from colleagues, even from the managers who’d approved the plan. I had to keep proving myself and combated the petty resentments with silliness of my own, like stopping by the office on a Sunday and leaving notes for other employees. Did it help? Not a bit.

J.T.: That’s because their resentment was real; you did have a better deal. As for you, Ursula, you can accept that your WAH program comes with resentments and continue to do your best, or you can leave. But, there might be a third way. Perhaps you can get your colleagues to see you for what you are: a caring and committed teammate. For example, I knew one WAH mother who agreed to come into the office and cover for her co-workers twice a month, on days when they needed to go to doctor’s appointments or family-related events. As long as they gave her notice, she would line up a sitter so she could help out. The co-workers were really grateful to know that she was willing to be their backup. That trumped the resentments and created successful working partnerships.