If there’s one thing I’ve learned in 51 years on this planet, it’s how to control my impulses.

I don’t mean EVERY whim is completely under my command, but there’s been vast improvement since my early 20s, now that my frontal lobe has reached full maturity.

For instance, I can now drive past a Dunkin’ Donuts shop without careening across two lanes of traffic to get my cruller fix.

In line at the grocery store, I resist grabbing magazines from the rack, even when the headlines scream “The Parsley Diet: Lose 10 Pounds Overnight” or “What Your Man REALLY Wants for Christmas.” (What kind of idiot do they think I am? I already bought the guy a new amp and speakers. Duh!!)

After a costly session at a slot machine years ago, I decided it’s probably best I don’t spend time in casinos, racetracks or, heaven forbid, Las Vegas.

Sure, once in a while, when I’m strolling past a jewelry store, a pair of earrings will speak to me with words I can’t resist, such as, “Look at us, all sparkly and shiny. You deserve us. After all, your birthday’s coming : in three months!”

And, yes, my closet does have one or two – OK, five – items that seemed like must-haves at the time, but still have the tags on them.

Except for those little hiccups, I am in total control. The master of my urges.

At least, I WAS until I discovered rugs on eBay.

It all started when we decided to rid ourselves of the last unpleasant vestige of our dearly departed pooch. The large Turkish kilim rug in our living room had been used one too many times as a doggie toilet, much to my constant chagrin. I loved that rug and tried valiantly to save it. But with every treatment of enzyme spray or OxyClean, the colors in the fibers would bleed. And all the pinon incense in the world couldn’t make the ammonia stench disappear.

“Why don’t you go on eBay?” my mother suggested. “Betty does it all the time. She’s gotten wonderful deals on rugs. Real antiques, too. Some for five and ten dollars!”

“Five dollars?” I thought. “For an antique rug?”

Skeptical, but never one to discount a discount, I logged on.

I’m not what you’d call an eBay expert. To date, I’ve made only a handful of transactions, including what has to have been my most embarrassing moment on the World Wide Web:

I was cruising the Polish pottery (my only true household obsession) and happened upon an adorable table set, including creamer, sugar bowl, ramekins, bowls, salt and pepper shakers, and butter dish. It was a gorgeous collection. And with no reserve! I couldn’t wait to put it out on my table Christmas morning. The bidding was slow until the final frenzy. My heart racing, I upped the ante higher and higher, and locked in the winning bid at the virtual buzzer. I nabbed that beautiful 15-piece set for a song. What a rush! I couldn’t BELIEVE how stupid or gutless or unlucky my auction competitors were.

Ten days later, I was stunned when my booty was delivered in a box no bigger than my foot. I opened the carton to find a table set designed for a DOLLHOUSE! Minuscule salt shaker. Bowls the size of quarters. I’m talking one, maybe two cornflakes worth!

Oh, the embarrassment! The shame!

You would think that experience would teach me something about reading the fine print, wouldn’t you? But, no …

Long story short, I now own not one, but THREE rugs from eBay. First, I bought the large replacement rug at a bargain price. Quick and easy. No other bidders! (It wasn’t until later I realized I was in an eBay “store” where prices are set for whoever is willing to pay.)

Flushed with excitement, I wandered into the antique rug bidding room where a 1940s, 4-by-6 Shiraz was about to be sold for 99 cents. Just 99 cents, for that gorgeous thing?! I can do better than that! With less than a minute left, I entered my bid. $1.09! I won!

Heady with confidence, I immediately bid on and won a foyer-size Balouch Persian for only $4.50! Unbelievable!

Only then did I notice a little thing called “shipping charges”. A whopping $189 in shipping charges!

Embarrassed and ashamed again!

I was so upset I went to the store and bought a doughnut, a Cosmo magazine and 10 lottery tickets.