Dear Dr. Wes & Julia: I am a sophomore in high school and there are two other girls in my grade that are pregnant. One is a pretty close friend. I don’t want to be rude and tell her that she made a wrong decision. But at the same time I don’t want to tell her that it was a good idea. I am not close friends with the other girl, but we do talk and I want to be able to talk with them both and not have to worry about saying something wrong. I hope you can help.

– Worried Friend

Julia: It is very noble of you to want to show your support. The key in this situation is to let them know you support them through their pregnancy, not that you support their getting pregnant. The last thing you want to end up with is hurting any feelings by voicing your opinion.

There is some good etiquette you can follow when handling your friends’ pregnancies and any ensuing conversations. For starters, don’t immediately voice your disapproval of their early pregnancy to them or anyone else, unless you want it going around that you are an unsupportive friend. If asked your opinion, explain that, while you don’t believe in early pregnancy, you are going to help out your friends if they need it. In fact, the best, and hardest, thing to do is to consider any questions, rumors or discussions about the pregnancies with your friends, not yourself, in mind. By keeping your opinion out of play, you will be handling the situation using your most honest advice and knowledge without hurting your reputation in the process.

Also, keep in mind that it’s not your duty to condone or sugarcoat your friends’ current situations. They got themselves into a big pile of responsibilities and ugly realities, and telling them what they want to hear isn’t going to help.

Finally, let your friends come to you if they want a friend to talk to. Unsolicited advice from parents, or worse, fellow students makes anybody feel chastised, so only talk to them when they are ready.

Dr. Wes: I agree it is disturbing to have two acquaintances facing unplanned pregnancies as high school sophomores. There’s a good reason why this issue keeps appearing in Double Take letters – it’s a matter of immediate relevance to teens, their friends and families in our community. I applaud your struggle to figure out how to respond, it’s not an easy situation.

Julia and I differ a bit on this. She takes a more hands-off approach. I think you’ll have to deal with it one way or the other, so up front communication is the best option. In choosing what to say, I think you have to take much the same position parents do in these situations – one that balances compassion for the irreversible reality of the situation against overt acceptance of the choices your friends have made. You’ll notice how hard Julia and I have tried to take that middle road in past columns and yet how controversial our answers seemed to be for some readers. Trust me, it’s no easier to do than it is to describe. A teen can make many mistakes and walk away with a great opportunity for learning. Nobody walks away from an early pregnancy without long-term consequence.

I suggest you sit down with your friend and say something along these lines: “Listen, I need to have one conversation with you about this issue and then I’ll leave it alone. I think getting pregnant was a real bad move and it frustrates me to see you in this situation, so if I seem a little impatient with you at times that’s why. You aren’t ready for this and as your friend I’m not ready for it. However, I’m trying to deal with it and not let those feelings get in the way of our relationship. I do care about you and want to support you. Even if I don’t approve of all your choices, I don’t want to judge you. However, if you want me to be happy for you, I’m sorry but I need to be honest about my feelings. This will all go a lot better if we can be honest with each other. That’s the best gift I can give you.”

You can put this little speech into your own words, but I suggest you hit the main points – compassion and non-judgment without condoning the behavior. Try and love your friend despite her disastrous turn of events and help her THINK through her current reality. She needs a lot of cool heads right now and despite your feelings you seem to be one of them. You should also encourage her and her family to go to a therapist who works with such cases and really talk through everything that is going on right now. That won’t change the past but it can go a long way toward bringing about the best outcome possible.

I hope other teens will be learning from your friends’ mistakes, as your friends will be for the foreseeable future.

Next week: A step-mom asks about how to handle problems with a biological parent.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Julia Davidson is a Bishop Seabury Academy junior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues (limited to 200 words) to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.