Dr. Wes: In many ways, it’s harder to help our children put the Virginia Tech tragedy into a sane context than it was the events of Sept. 11. Those horrors happened in big cities to people whose lives seemed different from ours, farther from our reality. The killers were foreign nationals who saw themselves in a vast political struggle that few of us really understood. The VT shooting happened in a small state college town. The victims were kids like those we send off to college every fall and receive back for Christmas, summer break and occasional laundry duty. The shooter was their dorm-mate, albeit a very strange and worrisome one. In this, VT is more reminiscent of Columbine or the recent Lancaster County incident. Our neighbors killing our neighbors. Kids killing kids.

How do we explain this to children who increasingly see the world as a frightening, dangerous and bizarre place into which they should not venture too far? How do we use something senseless to teach our kids something valuable? How do we allay unnecessary fears while encouraging personal safety awareness? The struggle became even more immediate when, as I was writing this column, another disturbed person called in a threat to our own community, leading schools to lock down and parents to great anxiety.

Restore faith in order. While watching the towers burn on the morning of Sept. 11, my 4-year-old daughter asked me, “Isn’t that where we were going to go?” I confessed that the World Trade Center was on our travel itinerary. “Hmm,” she said thoughtfully. “Maybe they can put the towers back up.” She reminded me of the importance of normalcy in the lives of children. She needed to be reassured that order would be restored, even if the towers would never rise again. So it is with Virginia Tech. Our kids need to know that despite the chaos, of which this is only one example, the world is still turning. The adults have things under control. In the days ahead, the very best thing each of us can do as parents is to try to remain calm. Even as threats continue or other incidents happen, we must, above all else, keep our heads. To do otherwise is to invite more of the same. That is the very definition of terrorism – when fear exceeds any realistic threat, leaving us off-kilter and anxious.

Control generalization. On Monday, one man killed 32 people. Billions more did not. A tiny fraction of humanity is capable of these acts. A few others take advantage of the terror they create. Many of these folks are mentally ill, but the preponderant majority of those with mental illnesses would never harm anyone and are themselves unfairly stigmatized, ignored or maligned. There are far more acts of kindness per minute in our world than displays of brutal violence. If that were not true, our news would be filled with shocking accounts of good people, and we would take for granted the bad.

Discourage obsessing on “why.” In our search for order, we easily slide into the illusion that if we could just explain why someone would do such a thing, then we could reach peace of mind and move on. Cooler heads in the media – especially those who specialize in such incidents – remind us that attempting to make sense of senseless things, or seeking meaning in psychopathic acts, only distorts our own mental health. Instead, we must help our kids understand that the real order of things comes from our families, communities, schools and support systems. It will never come from the analysis of a deeply disturbed young man or pondering his motives for mass murder.

Focus on love and healing. The most heroic act I’ve ever seen was the response of the Amish community to the murder of their little girls in a country school. Even in mourning, they reached out to the family of the shooter, offering forgiveness and inclusion to his wife and children. As we examine the VT incident, it is easy to be angry and hateful. But we need to teach our children that real character comes from how we love each other and how we put that love into action. It appears that Cho Seung-Hui was yet another bullied teen. While this does not excuse his own violence, the lesson of the Amish – forgiveness and inclusion – practiced by each of us every day might lead someone away from such acts. There is no lesson more critical for today’s teens than one that encourages them to treat each other with dignity and love. Not just because a small act of kindness early in life may stem the tide of a deteriorating personality, but because it is the right thing to do.

John: We should be mindful of this tragedy, but there is a point at which rubbernecking gives way to irreverence. Our media has habit of squeezing every drop of attention it can from disaster, and this case is no exception. Particular blame goes to NBC for reporting on the photo and video collage Cho mailed to its office. This gives Cho the glamour he was seeking; would-be killers can rest assured their ravings will be published should they choose to follow suit. The shooting episode also has been marked by far too much hindsight. Would stricter gun-control laws have averted this tragedy? As a previous mental patient, Cho already was barred from purchasing a firearm. So when asked about his medical history, Cho simply lied. If a psychopath is willing to break the law, its unlikely more gun control will change his actions. Should Cho have been submitted to more vigorous psychological testing? They tried that, too, but options are limited when a patient resists therapy.

In every tragedy, heroes are allowed to surface. One particularly touching example can be seen in the case of Professor Liviu Librescu, who barricaded the classroom doors with his own body. While his students were able to escape through the window, Librescu was shot in the act of heroism. There were at least four other resistance attempts, all from persons who appeared to live ordinary lives. My uncle, too, seemed an ordinary worker at the World Trade Center. But when crisis struck, he rushed into the falling towers to help rescue people stuck in the broken elevators. He did this once in 1994, and then again in 2001, at which point he died. Are there people around us who would give up their lives for a stranger? Yes, but for the most part we don’t know that until the moment comes.

Finally, as Dr. Wes point out, we must all forge relationships with the disparaged. While it’s no excuse to go on a rampage, Cho’s loneliness probably played a factor in his decision to murder. I didn’t have many friends when I was younger, and I will always remember the few kind people who would cheer me up. The next time you encounter a “loner,” try and strike up a conversation.

Next week: Eating disorders and the media. A reader asks several questions.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. John Murray is a Free State High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.